Hornets Hype

these electronically stored zeroes and ones with the world, which results in words and images slow-loading or snap-loading, depending upon your WWW connection, onto your screen. And all to know that too tall too strong overpaid gladiators will kill lions for another team this year–or in Europe. Enjoy, you animals.

• Someone decided not to let lie the sleeping bear; only instead of roaring, it sniffled, poo-pooed its waker, and whispered that a measly $11.6 million per year, for five of them, would be enough to buy the summer’s most coveted restricted free agent, when the Grizzly has about forty-seven billion under its cap, hasn’t spent anything all summer, and the I-don’t-want-to-be-a-Hawk-and-am-not-cool-with-my-head-coach-player in question’s team had vowed to retain him. Seriously? Were they upset that they didn’t have another Pao Gasol to give away? Perhaps Chris Wallace has Alzheimer’s? News flash: the Hawks giddily matched, dancing their way to the bank, counting all the way the money they don’t have to pay their biggest name.
• Dear God, man, who knew it? Who knew it? Mike James is the next big name in the game of orange balls! Well, he does have the initials MJ. So did Michael Jordan, you know. And Magic Johnson. And, maybe, kind of, the “Chinese Magic Johnson.” Yup. He exists (CMJ, not MJ (James)). A.K.A. Sun Yue. At 1.8288 meters and 96.1615 kilograms (6′9″, 212 lbs. you anachronisms!), he is the archetypal point forward, just like MJ (Earvin). He was drafted by last year’s last losers in 2007 and can be glimpsed this year getting pummeled by other, better teams in the Olympics. And then on the end of L.A.’s bench next to Coby Karl.
• Some people like white chocolate, nothing wrong with that. But it’s dark chocolate that has the health benefits such as, among other things, lower blood pressure. So if the Clippers have done anything right this summer, it’s not throwing wads of cash at White Chocolate and pretending it’s a big move. Jason Williams got his new team, his new deal, but the 32-year-old is a back-up now, and the Clippers’ fans’ blood pressure can rest easier knowing that B-Diddy is their mainstay. And when Dark Chocolate’s knee/ankle/back/[insert injured body part here] goes out, the Clips know they have a starter-quality point guard they can rely on. Albeit, one that causes higher blood pressure.
• By the way, the reason we’re even talking about antioxidant-rich food is because the Clips first choice for their second point guard turned them down. Their former first point guard, Shaun Livingston, was offered a one-year guaranteed contract and said no. Interesting. No one knows if the man can take practice, let alone a full speed game, and he said no. Hmmm. Ask the 76ers second center, Jason Smith, how fragile these things are. He just blew out his ACL without any contact being made in practice. Wonder if his contract’s guaranteed? Then again, even making a pro-rata minimum (like G, Shannon Brown, who just signed with the Bobcats for 1-year and $800,000 following his 2nd season), the amount of which depends upon how long you’ve been in the league, is more than any one person could ever deserve to earn. These capitalist pigs will be the death of us all, I say!
• While we’re on the subject of the Clippers (are we? Damn, how did that happen!?), the other-L.A.-team also made the masterful move of swooping down and gathering in freakishly tall sharpshooter Steve Novak from the Rockets. He’s so valuable, the Rockets received the option of switching second round picks with the Clips in 2011. What?
• The Sky is Falling, The Sky is Falling! some say. It’s all Much Ado about Nothing! others say. Ballers to the Euroleagues is no big deal. Or maybe it is. Unless–they ALL say–you know, we lose someone like “King James”, LBJ, “Video-Game James,” or “The Chosen One.” Then it’s real. Then we’re in trouble. Then Boston and L.A. and the Knickerbockers can finally dispense with the cap to compete globally and buy their championships just like baseball teams. But that won’t happen. It won’t. Unless, those guys in question say, each doing something different around the pool, they pay him $50 mil a year. Or help him become a billionaire. Even MJ (Michael) lost a good $11 mil or so out of his $30 mil a year to taxes. But not if you play for the right team in Europe. Then THEY pay your taxes; what you read in the papers is what you keep (minus what you pay your agent, your publicist, your chef, your housekeeper, and the dozens of other blood-thirsty man-servant leeches). Think it’s crazy? Dime Magazine unearthed some interesting comments from ‘07, where the Lebrons talked about going global. Does it all fit into some masterplan? Think about it. Let’s say you’re a bank teller in Metairie. They pay you $10 an hour for 40 hours a week, 2 breaks a day, and an unpaid lunch. Only you talk to some cat from Greece while on vacation in the mediterranean and learn that their bank tellers make $50 an hour, work 30 hours a week, get several weeks more vacation, and their employers pay their taxes. Could you say you wouldn’t do it? It’s a global world, man. (Postscript: Kobe says he won’t sign an extension until he tests the global market. Read: I’ve won a scoring title, an MVP, and a championship, what do I have left to prove other than that I can get more money than Lebron from Euro teams with no cap?) P.S.S. What’s three inches shorter than me, weighs about twenty pounds less, and will make about 3.5 million more a year than I ever will in the coming year? Earl Boykins. Italian League. Virtus Bologna. [Author shakes his head dejectedly...]
• The floor, the floor, the floor is on fire. So for fuck’s sake go vote in the Floor Burn Tournament and give Ju-Ju his props. Vote! Vote again. Vote from a different computer. Trick the statistical gods with celebratory defiance! Hahaha! The man is only winning by 1449 votes, so get out there and Hype him!
• Meanwhile, in their effort to regain legitimacy, and to fill the gap at PG, the Heat signed former-Nugget, swingman forward, Yakhouba Diawara. He’s over 3 in reverse dog-years and started his career in the French leagues. Whoo.
• And what the hell is wrong with Oklahoma City? Wait. Scratch that. What the hell is wrong with Oklahoma City’s NBA franchise? When internet evidence pointed to their franchise being named the Thunder, they pulled the website. Just pick a fucking name already. No one’s going to care anyway.
• Darko hurt his Achilles playing with the Serbian National Team. Bummer. You gotta feel for a kid that’ so young and has struggled so much on the floor to be what people want him to be. No, not really, the man’s made obscene amounts of money just to disappoint people. We should all be so lucky.
• Toronto Globe and Mail reporter questioning Chris Bosh–Q: “Chris, would you take this opportunity [at the Olympics] to make a political statement?” A: “No.” Q: “Have you been instructed not to?” A: “Yes. It’s a no-win situation these days.” But ITS THOSE CHINESE COMMUNIST PIGS THAT CENSOR US!!! With their damn socialism, equal pay for disparate jobs, healthcare-for-all, government controlled propaganda….oh.
• Scraps to end, Warriors sign G, Anthony Morrow, and Cavs sign G, Tarence Kinsey. ‘Cause, you know, neither had enough players that you’d never heard of.

Just because, I’ll sign off with Kobe’s quote when asked about playing overseas: “I’d probably go,” Bryant said. “Like Milan or something like that, where I grew up … Peace out. Do you know any reasonable person that would turn down 50?” Nuff said.

Just kidding. This is a Hornets site. I leave you with this quote from SI.com:

Though Team USA boasts an eye-popping 49-0 record all-time when Kidd is listed on the roster, blind adherance to the history book is the worst mistake Mike Krzyzewski could make. The sooner Chris Paul takes over primary duties at the point, the better America’s chances to reclaim the gold.

That’s the end. For now.