As I mentioned last night, I am up on a ledge right now. I’m definitely not coming down till the results of Chris Paul’s MRI come back. But regardless of the diagnosis, I might be up here a little while longer. Just in case. ‘Cause I gotta be honest. I’ve kind of lost my trust right now. And what do you do when you’ve lost your trust in your coach and your team? Well, you huddle on your ledge and wait for a sign that it’s okay to come down.
But just because we’re on this ledge doesn’t mean we have to be in Great Despair. Naw, this ledge is gonna roll New Orleans style. We bringin’ the party up in here, ya heard?
So, in the spirit of solidarity, I am going to throw the ledge open to fans of other teams. But I think we gotta keep this semi-exclusive. Therefore, I took a look at the NBA standings and came up with a guest list.
1. You have to be a playoff team, but be a) underachieving, or b) terribly flawed, or c) afflicted by injuries and woe.
2. You have to be a team that was supposed to contend this year OR has been a contender in the recent past.
3. All you under .500 playoff teams in the East don’t count. Sorry, you’ll have to get your own ledge. Ours is kind of snobby.
Bearing those three rules in mind, here are the fanbases who I’m officially inviting to share our ledge.
Detroit – Championship contenders for how many years running? They trade Chauncey Billups, and the team’s chemistry utterly falls apart. Still in the #6 playoff spot, but this fanbase has got to be reeling. Climb on up the ladder, Pistons fans.
Phoenix – Oh, Western Conference brethren, you have a place on our ledge anytime. First they trade for Shaq, confusing the makeup of their offense. Then D’Antoni. Then they trade two guys who have been with the team awhile. And Steve Nash looks sad. Aw. Seven seconds or less to… what? No one knows. This team is having a huge existential freakout right now, despite Shaq having a resurgent year and still being in playoff contention. And what? Your All Star power forward is a great player but just can’t come up when LEADER NEEDED is flashing in bright lights? Have a brew, Suns fans. We have much to talk about.
Dallas – Dirk is sad. Chris is sad. Let’s be sad together, neighbors.
Utah – Man, I don’t really like the Jazz. But you are kinda the closest to being in our boat, just 3 games back in the standings. You had a year of mad crazy success, running to the Conference Finals. You thought you were in for great things ahead. This year you’ve got injuries to Boozer, Deron, and Kirilenko. Your pain is kind of worse than ours. As long as you promise to be polite about Chris Paul, we can party.
Totally Not Allowed to Crash Our Ledge
Boston – The Hornets have a 3-game skid. Pssshhh. The Celts had a 4-game losing streak. Y’all know what the view from the ledge is like, having resided there during Christmas/New Years holiday. So Ray Allen didn’t make the All Star Game and you lost to the Lakers. You’re 40-9.
Cleveland – So this is what it looks like, up here, where you’ve spent the last couple of years, you with your one dominant star and supporting cast that couldn’t pull it together. You ain’t up here now. We stole your ledge. Haha.
Orlando – Losing Jameer Nelson last night to a shoulder injury sucks. But you’re still a little too successful to share our ledge. You and the Lakers should find your own to hang out on.
Lakers – See above.
Houston – You guys fit all the criteria. Unfortunately, my dislike for Tracy McGrady and Rafer Alston borders on irrational. You’re like the party guest that I think would be fun, but ultimately you run the risk of someone getting drunk and a fight breaking out. This ledge is kinda high up, so for safety’s sake, you guys are barred. But really, I doubt you care, because you’ve been on your own ledge nearby for so many years running that you’re kind of clinging and twitching and didn’t even notice we were up here.
Basement Dwellers – Our ledge isn’t really big enough for all of you, and anyhow, I think we’re going to party pretty loud some nights. Which will probably piss you off, seeing as you just do not have as much to celebrate about.
And now, the question I’m sure you’re all asking yourselves– why come to our ledge? Why not camp out and weather the bitter winds of the midseason slump on our own respective hunks of rock? Well, we’ve got booze. And it’s about to be Mardi Gras on our ledge. We’re gonna do it up in style.
It’s a party. On a ledge. What else do you have to do up here?
UPDATE ON THE STATE OF CHRIS PAUL’S GROIN (ew): It’s a mild strain. He’s not going to miss the All Star Game. He might sit out the next one or two, though… Throw me a rope ladder. I’m not saying I’ll use it. But I give you permission to throw it to me just in case.