Hornets Hype

As I mentioned last night, I am up on a ledge right now. I’m definitely not coming down till the results of Chris Paul’s MRI come back. But regardless of the diagnosis, I might be up here a little while longer. Just in case. ‘Cause I gotta be honest. I’ve kind of lost my trust right now. And what do you do when you’ve lost your trust in your coach and your team? Well, you huddle on your ledge and wait for a sign that it’s okay to come down.

But just because we’re on this ledge doesn’t mean we have to be in Great Despair. Naw, this ledge is gonna roll New Orleans style. We bringin’ the party up in here, ya heard?

So, in the spirit of solidarity, I am going to throw the ledge open to fans of other teams. But I think we gotta keep this semi-exclusive. Therefore, I took a look at the NBA standings and came up with a guest list.

1. You have to be a playoff team, but be a) underachieving, or b) terribly flawed, or c) afflicted by injuries and woe.

2. You have to be a team that was supposed to contend this year OR has been a contender in the recent past.

3. All you under .500 playoff teams in the East don’t count. Sorry, you’ll have to get your own ledge. Ours is kind of snobby.

Bearing those three rules in mind, here are the fanbases who I’m officially inviting to share our ledge.

Ledge Party Invitees

Detroit – Championship contenders for how many years running? They trade Chauncey Billups, and the team’s chemistry utterly falls apart. Still in the #6 playoff spot, but this fanbase has got to be reeling. Climb on up the ladder, Pistons fans.

Phoenix – Oh, Western Conference brethren, you have a place on our ledge anytime. First they trade for Shaq, confusing the makeup of their offense. Then D’Antoni. Then they trade two guys who have been with the team awhile. And Steve Nash looks sad. Aw. Seven seconds or less to… what? No one knows. This team is having a huge existential freakout right now, despite Shaq having a resurgent year and still being in playoff contention. And what? Your All Star power forward is a great player but just can’t come up when LEADER NEEDED is flashing in bright lights? Have a brew, Suns fans. We have much to talk about.

Dallas – Dirk is sad. Chris is sad. Let’s be sad together, neighbors.

Utah – Man, I don’t really like the Jazz. But you are kinda the closest to being in our boat, just 3 games back in the standings. You had a year of mad crazy success, running to the Conference Finals. You thought you were in for great things ahead. This year you’ve got injuries to Boozer, Deron, and Kirilenko. Your pain is kind of worse than ours. As long as you promise to be polite about Chris Paul, we can party.

Totally Not Allowed to Crash Our Ledge

Boston – The Hornets have a 3-game skid. Pssshhh. The Celts had a 4-game losing streak. Y’all know what the view from the ledge is like, having resided there during Christmas/New Years holiday. So Ray Allen didn’t make the All Star Game and you lost to the Lakers. You’re 40-9.

Cleveland – So this is what it looks like, up here, where you’ve spent the last couple of years, you with your one dominant star and supporting cast that couldn’t pull it together. You ain’t up here now. We stole your ledge. Haha.

Orlando – Losing Jameer Nelson last night to a shoulder injury sucks. But you’re still a little too successful to share our ledge. You and the Lakers should find your own to hang out on.

Lakers – See above.

Houston – You guys fit all the criteria. Unfortunately, my dislike for Tracy McGrady and Rafer Alston borders on irrational. You’re like the party guest that I think would be fun, but ultimately you run the risk of someone getting drunk and a fight breaking out. This ledge is kinda high up, so for safety’s sake, you guys are barred. But really, I doubt you care, because you’ve been on your own ledge nearby for so many years running that you’re kind of clinging and twitching and didn’t even notice we were up here.

Basement Dwellers – Our ledge isn’t really big enough for all of you, and anyhow, I think we’re going to party pretty loud some nights. Which will probably piss you off, seeing as you just do not have as much to celebrate about.

And now, the question I’m sure you’re all asking yourselves– why come to our ledge? Why not camp out and weather the bitter winds of the midseason slump on our own respective hunks of rock? Well, we’ve got booze. And it’s about to be Mardi Gras on our ledge. We’re gonna do it up in style.

It’s a party. On a ledge. What else do you have to do up here?

UPDATE ON THE STATE OF CHRIS PAUL’S GROIN (ew): It’s a mild strain. He’s not going to miss the All Star Game. He might sit out the next one or two, though… Throw me a rope ladder. I’m not saying I’ll use it. But I give you permission to throw it to me just in case.

Photo by Jonathan Bachman

This night is pretty much rock bottom for me as a Hornets fan.

mW is going to disagree. The Spurs game 7 hit him hard, and that is what it is. And he’s still too pissed about the loss to Golden State on Friday (why yes, that would make it three losses in a row, for the first time in a year). For me? Nope. This is it.

I’ve never seen this team collapse like that at home. Never. When Chris Paul stumbled down the tunnel, the Hornets were up 17 points and looking just dominant. They were outscored 42-17 the rest of the way. 42-17. At home. Against a team that had, up until that point, appeared young and lost.

We don’t know how many games he’s going to be out with a groin injury, at this point. I don’t care. Doesn’t matter. Win a game, possibly multiple games, without Chris Paul? Right. They couldn’t even make it a quarter. A quarter.

I don’t know, I think I need therapy. I need to talk to a Wizards fan. A Wizards fan could help me right now. Is anyone a Wizards fan? How do you deal with it? What I mean is, how do you keep caring on nights when it seems like the team doesn’t care? Or, if you want to stick to the West and try to come up with a good analogy, a Suns fan. They would certainly know about something you loved, that you thought was great, falling to bits before your eyes.

‘Cause I’m terrified. I’m terrified that I’m terrified. I feel like I’ve let this team get way too close. I feel like this weekend they tore my heart out and ripped it into tiny pieces. I’m up on a ledge. THIS IS MY LEDGE. NOTHING YOU SAY WILL MAKE ME COME DOWN FROM IT. So there.

And you know, rah rah, I’m supposed to be the funny, optimistic, homer blog. Rah, friends.

No. This team has got to show me something. Tonight they didn’t. Prove to me you can play without CP. Prove to me that you can play with heart. Because right now I don’t believe it. And, even scarier, it was transparent on the court, and you could see it all the way up in Row 26, that they didn’t believe it.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a train.

The last we heard from Bonzi Wells, he was putting up 52 points in China for $40K a year and some egg rolls. There were rumors that Chinese fans referred to him as “His Majesty,” the best player to grace the Chinese Basketball Association.

On January 12, we learn that they play the Hallelujah chorus when he dunks. No, I didn’t make that up. When have I ever made stuff like that up? … Oh, OK. But regardless, this time I’m not:

In the final period, the 1.96-metre (six-foot-five-inch) guard/forward repeatedly played off the screens of his Nigerian teammate Olumide Oyedeji to beat his defender and race down the lane for slam dunks. That’s when the public address system blared a five-second snippet of Handel’s Hallelujah chorus as the frenzied crowd — few of whom were likely to know the classic’s homage to the resurrection of Christ — stood and cheered.

“In all my years, I have never heard the Hallelujah chorus at a basketball game,” Shanxi’s American coach Bob Weiss, formerly of the National Basketball Association’s Seattle Supersonics, told AFP.

AND he was going to be on the cover of China’s version of Sports Illustrated:

After going through a strategy session at a practice last week, Wells spent the rest of the afternoon at a photo shoot for the Chinese edition of Sports Illustrated magazine. Wells is expected to grace the cover of the magazine for its Chinese New Year’s edition — an impressive accomplishment for a new comer to the country.

But wait, hold the presses, because last week Shanxi Zhongyu apparently sacked Wells when he never came back from vacation.

“He should have come back to the club on January 30, but he did not,” said the man, who declined to be named. According to a statement posted on Zhongyu’s website over the weekend, Wells — who was dogged by troublesome on-court behaviour and run-ins with coaches during his 10-year NBA career — went home for a holiday last month. He was meant to come back on January 27, but asked for a two-day extension to “attend to some personal matters,” the statement said.

On January 29, he asked for another extension, which the club agreed to as long as he came back in time for a weekend match. Wells, however, still failed to return, prompting the cancellation of his one-year contract.

Wait, what? HAHAHA! Hey, guys, maybe we should sign him.

And while he’s at it, he could bring me an egg roll. ‘Cause I got all this leftover Chinese in my fridge right now but no egg rolls.

The following page appeared in this weekend’s Hornets game programs. Hehe… All I’m saying is, picture of Brandon Roy… Ladies Night… Brandon Roy…

You know what I’m saying. Uh huh. That is some smart marketing. See, they’re always thinking like that. Smart.

Now, BRoy, don’t go thinking you’re going to confuse me with your muscular shoulders and your superclutch shots and your whizzing through the lane all talented and All-Star like. It’s not like you came here just for me or anything. You came to beat my team. And we quite simply can’t have that.