Hornets Hype

The guys have the NBA Dance Team Bracket. This is for the ladies.

All right, here’s the second set of first round matchups. Click here to read the rules, or if you haven’t voted in the first set yet! Voting is going to stay open until the end of the round, which is split up into four divisions. Today we’ve got four matchups in the Wade division.

#5 San Antonio Spurs vs. #28 L.A. Clippers

Matchup Preview:

Riddle me this: “Finding a hot Spur is like ________” (fill in your simile of choice). It’s a good thing the Spurs are multi-champions. ‘Cause damn. Young Manu pre-bald spot is kind of cute. I guess I could have included more pics of Tony Parker, but I got sick of having to try to cut Eva’s hair out. Ime Udoka is a bright spot on the roster, and rook George Hill has potential. But generally, the Spurs care not for your need for attractive-looking basketball.

You know how the last team to make the playoffs in the East is gonna be hovering around .500, while the Suns aren’t going to make the cut out West solely because their conference is better, and that’s not really fair? That’s sort of like this bracket. Whoever wins Spurs/Clippers isn’t really going to deserve it. Because the Clips aren’t fielding much of a team either. If beards don’t do it for you, you are SOL here. Baron Davis isn’t the best looking guy in the NBA, but you he does have a certain style about him. I’m loving Marcus Camby’s smile. DeAndre Jordan is the only one who’s going to make the cut on this roster of unfortunate-looking rookies. Al Thornton? Fred Jones? I wash my hands of this matchup.

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#12 Atlanta Hawks vs. #21 New Jersey Nets

Matchup Preview:

How do I put this? Yes, Al Horford, I would like to buy a ticket to the gun show. Whatever you’re selling, I’m buying. And I probably wouldn’t say no to whatever Josh Smith wants to sell me, either. The Hawks lineup is rounded out by Mo Evans and Solomon Jones, who are solid if not spectacular. And even Zaza Pachulia might be attractive in a strangely Eastern European sort of way. Flex those biceps, Team Hawks.

Meanwhile, the Nets are led by their stars, Devin Harris and Vince Carter. VC has a nice smile. If his life goal is to look 14 forever, Devin’s well on his way. (He’s 26…. 26!) Hey, looks like those chicks in the middle photo are down with the baby face, so who am I to judge? I don’t know who this Maurice Ager kid is, but he’s got definite potential. Jarvis Hayes probably wouldn’t get in here if he was still with the Pistons, but this is the Nets. Usually when combing rosters for hotness, the rooks are the best bet. But the Nets don’t field the strongest rookie/soph team, with Ryan Anderson, Brook Lopez, and Yi Jianlian combining to come up with a solid “meh.”

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#13 Miami Heat vs. #20 New York Knicks

Matchup Preview:

Just like how it is in real basketball, this is Dwyane Wade’s team. Mr. Wade has been holding down the suave sophisticated look for years. While I do think he’s gained a little weight on the face lately, it’s not enough to significantly diminish the hotness. I love his look. I love his hats! Wade gets an A from me. But a team can’t just be one guy, so he’s getting a little help today from Michael Beasley (who can be cute when he doesn’t look high), Daequan Cook, and Mario Chalmers. Just don’t look at the rest of their roster. Seriously.

The Knicks have cornered the market on cute white boys. Which, you know, probably isn’t saying much considering the demographics of the NBA. Has Danilo Gallinari even played? Well, he’s playing here, ’cause let me tell you, the Knicks need him. On any other team, Lil Nate would not be making an appearance, but the Knicks do not have a strong squad. I love David Lee’s adorable curls, but what is up with his weirdly ambiguous facial hair? Al Harrington is not outstanding, but he gets style points because I liked his outfits in several pics. I 100% believe in giving style points. He looks very put-together rocking the layered look here. And finally, I threw in Wilson Chandler because he was the only other passable Knick.

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#4 Orlando Magic vs. #29 Washington Wizards

Matchup Preview:

You know, I tried to shrink that Rashard-Lewis-in-the-pool pic smaller. I tried. But I… just… couldn’t. Combine that with the goofy charm of Dwight Howard. And the arms of Dwight Howard. Those are the arms that launched a thousand ships. Here’s my thing about JJ Redick. I think he’s cute. Like, look how good he looks in that suit with the spiked-up hair. But I don’t want to see any pics of him on the court. Because then I will remember that in actuality, he’s sort of skinny and pasty, and then he won’t be cute anymore. JJ, you live in Florida. GO OUTSIDE.

The Washington Wizards’ strategy in this tournament is strangely similar to their strategy in real life: everyone else sits back and sucks, while Caron and Antawn try to carry the team. Caron Butler is just a flat-out good-looking man. Gil… I think Gil is cute, but would he be as cute if he had a different personality? Is he one of those guys? Probably, but we’ll throw him in anyway. I believe there are some people who think Nick Young is cute, but I think he looks 12. And I suspected DeShawn Stevenson might clean up OK-looking under those terrible beards and goofy outfits, but finding proof of this on the internet proved too difficult.

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