Hornets Hype

The guys have the NBA Dance Team Bracket. This is for the ladies.

Here’s our third set of first round matchups. Rules are here. You can still vote in Division 1 here, and Division 2 here! Voting is going to stay open until the end of the round (Monday), which is split up into four divisions. Unless votes change dramatically, we haven’t had a single upset yet. Which is weird, considering the seeding is based on record, not hotness. But that’s going to change. Today we’ve got four matchups in the Diaw division.

#3 Boston Celtics vs. #30 Sacramento Kings

Matchup Preview:

Well, at least the Celtics’ Big Three are NBA champions. KG, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce are the kind of dudes who are crushworthy because they’re so good at what they do. But if they were 13th men? Let’s be honest. They wouldn’t be representing the Celts here. (Ha. I said I was going to practice self-restraint and not include P2 despite my huge crush on him, but I lied when I said that. At least he’s small and in a corner… Paul. Call me.) Leon Powe is the highlight of this squad. Leon Powe would like you to know he is adorably uncomfortable with you licking his ear, KG. Stephon Marbury… Does he have a head tattoo? Yes. Is he probably batshit crazy? Yes. Would I hit that? Totally yes. Rajon Rondo might be cute. He might also actually be a leprechaun, or possibly an elf. And, well, at least there’s one cute picture of Gabe Pruitt. No, I’m saying that quite literally. There’s one. That’s it, in the upper right corner. Now, I hate to bring light to a truly unfortunate situation, but… Gabe, even on a rookie scrub contract, you can afford to do something about your bad skin. Seriously. Ask Ray Allen or Glen Davis. I’m sure they can advise you.

Life is all about making discoveries. Like today, for instance. Today I discovered Jason Thompson. He’s cute. So is Kevin Martin. He’s one of those ones who’s also 12, but it’s a cute 12. Thinking he’s a hottie makes me feel kinda like a child molestor, but Wikipedia informs me he’s actually only two years younger than me, so hey, let’s rock. Sactown is a young team with some potential. Francisco Garcia has a certain kind of attractiveness. Khloe Kardashian is annoyed that I cut her out of the pic of her ex, Rashad McCants. Well, you know what annoys me? Having to waste my time cutting Kardashians out of photos of the fourth hottest guy on the Sacramento Kings. Sit down, Khloe. And finally, Ike Diogu. I don’t think he’s hot, but clearly some chicks in a pool do. As well as the rest of the college girls with whom he’s drunk on the internet. Oh come on. What else was I going to do with that picture?

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#14 Phoenix Suns vs. #19 Charlotte Bobcats

Matchup Preview:

The Suns, a bastion of speed and hotness for the last several years, really hurt their chances in this tournament by trading Raja Bell and Boris Diaw for Jason Richardson. This comes back to bite them in the ass in a huge way, because guess who they’re matched up against in the first round. Still, the Suns come fully loaded with a roster that includes Leandro Barbosa (I love his crooked smile), Amare Stoudamire (not hot, but he has a very striking look that photographs well), and Steve Nash (the friendly Canadian guy). Matt Barnes is decidedly skeevy, but there might be something sort of attractive about him. Louis Amundson is definitely cute with shorter hair than he has now, but unfortunately I couldn’t find a good piece of photographic evidence for this, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

The Charlotte Bobcats have some All Stars on their roster. (Well, technically they don’t. But who wants to be an All Star at basketball when you can be an All Star at being smokin?) How can you go wrong with Emeka Okafor? The correct answer is, you can’t. Because he’s hot. Boris Diaw is hot, and French. Raja Bell is just hot. Rawwwrrr. (That was a tiger noise. Or a bobcat noise. It was whatever you want it to be.) And how cute is lil DJ Augustin? Admittedly I might be biased because he’s from New Orleans, but come on. You know what? I don’t have anything else to say about the Bobcats. The hot speaks for itself.

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#6 Houston Rockets vs. #27 Memphis Grizzlies

Matchup Preview:

Houston, we have a problem. There is not enough hotness on this team. And no, I won’t put Tracy McGrady and his wack eye in my collage.

Memphis is totally looking to throw the correlation between crappy basketball and ugliness out on its ass. They’re kind of a disgrace to the game sometimes, but they’re young and fast. They’re led, in all the most important ways, by cutie Rudy Gay. Hakim Warrick, Mike Conley, and poor misunderstood Darko combine to bring solid support off the bench. OJ Mayo just flat out has style. Even when he’s not wearing clothes. What? Shirtless is a style.

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#11 Dallas Mavericks vs. #22 Indiana Pacers

Matchup Preview:

Please tell me I have seen the last of the hotness wasteland that is the Texas Triangle. I have? Thank you. (Edited to add Brandon Bass, who I forgot. I covered up a Jason Kidd to put him in. I hope no one minds. I think it’s an improvement.)

I think the Pacers are better looking than the Mavs. How much? I don’t know. They have a bunch of white guys with floppy, dirty-blond hair who all sort of look alike.  They have Danny Granger! I think Danny Granger is totally cute (yeah, New Orleans, holding it down in the hot man bracket!). I wanna give him a hug and build him a batcave. Jarrett Jack totally does it for me, but TJ Ford does not. Guess that about sums up where I fall with regard to the Indiana Pacers point guard drama. This Travis Diener is skinny and underage but sort of charming, if you’re into boy bands. I tried to figure out if Rasho Nesterovic was cute, but every picture I could find was the back of his head as he was getting scored on. I feel bad for either the Bobcats or the Suns, because one of these teams is moving on, and one of those two is not.

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