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Hottie Baller Tournament Round 1

The guys have the NBA Dance Team Bracket. This is for the ladies.

Here’s our final set of first round matchups. Rules are here. WEDNESDAY IS THE LAST DAY TO VOTE ON ROUND 1! ‘Cause that’s when the Sweet 16 starts. Division 1 here, Division 2 here, and Division 3 here.

#7 Denver Nuggets vs. #26 Oklahoma City Thunder

Matchup Preview:

I feel the same way about the Denver Nuggets that I feel about the Utah Jazz. They play in a state with mountains. They wear light blue. And they have weird hair. Yet here I was, combing through the roster in search of hotness. I picked Melo because he always looks goofy-happy and I like his new look. Dahntay Jones. I think he’s pretty good-looking, except I really have to note that in every third picture of him that turns up on Google image search, he’s deep in a man hug with some dude. I’m not about to draw any conclusions from that. I’m just putting it out there. So there I am at the end of the roster, and I get to Sonny Weems. I wasn’t about to even click. The usual reasons: never heard of, last in the alphabet, starting to get bored… Hello, unexpected surprises! He’s ADORABLE. He was such a cutie I put him in twice (top left, bottom center). But I didn’t really feel justified in putting him in more, like maybe over the top of J.R. or Linas (sorry, guys), because he’s technically in the D-League right now. He’s a quasi-Nugget.

Let’s talk about the lil baby Thunders. This team is stacked for the future. They’re also stacked with cuteness. I’m not sure any of them are hot hot. But altogether they’re rather irresistibly endearing. They’re all like 22 and just look like they’re having a great time with each other (except for that whole abysmal strings of blowout losses thing). I wanna make a wallpaper out of Russell-Westbrook-in-glasses, and put it up whenever I feel sad about life. I want Thabo Sefolosha to speak European languages to me. Don’t stop believing, lil Thunder. Don’t stop believing.

Team Nuggs

Don't worry: Team Nuggets hid all the guys with neck tats and too much hair gel


Team Thunder

Team Thunder just makes me smile

Denver Nuggets or Oklahoma City Thunder?

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#10 Utah Jazz vs. #23 Golden State Warriors

Matchup Preview:

There are two things of which I am 100% convinced when it comes to the Utah Jazz: Mehmet Okur is a vampire, and Carlos Boozer’s eyebrows are out to take over the world. So the fact that their collage isn’t actually that terrible kind of shakes the foundations of everything I believe in. First of all, let’s talk about Kyle Korver. A lot of women think he’s hot. I don’t see it, personally. And I think that Deron Williams looks exactly the way he plays: like a bulldog. But I could see where I might have a bias, so I have included them both. Morris Almond. So he doesn’t play. That doesn’t diminish his hotness. If Jason and Jarron Collins are twins, they can’t be identical, because one of them is clearly hotter than the other. The better looking one is the one who plays for the Jazz. And finally, only twice in this tournament has there been a picture I HAD to put in, solely because it made me crack up just to look at it. The picture of our friendly Europimps in street clothes? Is that picture.

Kelenna Azubuike was all, “Me me me. You know you want to make a collage of ALL ME,” but I reminded him this was a team contest. And Corey Maggette was standing on the other side of me, like, “Me me me!” which is, you know, nothing unusual, considering. Still, Azubuike’s the obvious highlight of the Warriors’ roster. This guy is just pretty. Even his MUGSHOT on NBA.com is smokin’. Seriously. And he stands out all the more because it’s one of (the last of!) those godawfully sparse rosters. How many hotties does it take to carry a team? We’ll find out.

Team Jazz

Team Jazz: EUROPIMP!


Team Warriors

Team Azubuike says get outta my picture, you're blocking my biceps

Utah Jazz or Golden State Warriors?

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#15 Philadelphia 76ers vs. #18 Milwaukee Bucks

Matchup Preview:

I am at war with myself over Andre Iguodala. Sometimes there is something unhot about him, but then there is something really hot about him to me. I mean, I don’t know. Brooding men with huge arms. Is that my type? (Of course, that’s the problem with judging people the way they’re photographed. He could be the happiest dude in the NBA. If I didn’t know how Chris Paul was off the court, for example, I’d think he was an aggressive little shit with a temper.) The Sixers are one of those all-around squads. We don’t have a lot of standouts, but then we also don’t have a lot of flat-out “no”s. Louis Williams (skinny, but interesting), Marreese Speights, Kareem Rush, and Thaddeus Young round out the roster.

I did slightly better with the Bucks than I expected to. I find Richard Jefferson pretty attractive, but I know not everyone does. I don’t know, who’s even on the Bucks this year? They have so many permanently injured guys that you forget who’s on the roster. Joe Alexander has potential, but only if he keeps the hair long. Charlie Bell is not hot, but he’s nice-looking. Ditto Michael Redd and Ramon Sessions. This might just be one of those neutral matchups that comes down to who smiles the nicest and who is wearing the least clothing.

Team Sixers

Team Sixers is blue-collar solid


Team Bucks

That's right, Michael Redd! You pray for Team Bucks!

Philadelphia 76ers or Milwaukee Bucks?

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10 Responses to “First Annual NBA Hot Baller Tournament: Round 1, Div 4 aka The Hottie Bracket”

  1. This one was super easy. I can’t fundamentally vote for the former Sonics or the Jazz in any situation on moral grounds. Soooo much hotness on the Sonics…Kevin Durant…Thabo…that cute lil math nerd…Sigh. My heart breaks for Seattle. As for the Jazz, Prop H8. Enough said. But even before that, Stockton’s shorts, Malone’s elbows, and Hornacek’s face rub already gave them Most Hated status in my book. That picture of AK47 and the other random Euro is hilaaarious though.

    Sixers-Bucks: Andre Iguodala is firmly in the HOT category for me. Did you ever see NBA Rookies on Spike TV or NBA TV? He is too cute. Richard Jefferson – if it looks like a duck and talks like a duck….I’m just sayin. Other Bucks – meh, although Joe whatever is kinda cute. Sixers, as always led by AI, win hands down.

  2. Forgot to add: KELENNA AZUBUIKE!!! So hot. He single-handedly beats the Jazz anyway.

  3. Re: RJ, I was gonna comment that he’s probably the player in the NBA least likely to be straight…. but I decided not to go there.

  4. ticktock6: I’ve always thought that about RJ but I won’t go there either…

    Thunder-Nuggets: Gave it to the Nuggets easy. Sonny Weems did it for me. Watched him played at Arkansas and always thought he was hot.

    Jazz-Warriors: Gave it to the Bay boys. Corey Maggette has nice eyes even though I don’t really like him, Monta Ellis is cute when he’s not shredding his ankle on an effin’ scooter, and I think Anthony Randolph has some potential. ‘Buke doesn’t do it for me.

    Sixers-Bucks: It was a tough one. Not much to look at on either team, but I gave it to the Bucks because Ramon Sessions is cute and he’s a D-League to NBA success story….well, partial success story.

  5. See, I think Monta is on that special field trip… so he’s not cute to me. Haha.

  6. My wife thinks Deron Williams is one of the hottest dudes in the world.

    I guess I can see it.

    Kelenna Az… yeah his look is as smokin as his 3-pt percentage (46% – damn!).

  7. The Thunder are some ugly looking guys. I had to vote for the Nuggets almost by default. And God forgive me but the dude sitting next to Kirilenko (Fesenko) looks like he’s 1 chromosome short of being a mongoloid.

  8. But the Thunder beat the Spurs tonight. That’s sweet. Now if we can just beat the Kings…

  9. Sual FTW!!!

  10. […] look at them anymore and not think of them as the adorable “baby Thunder” thanks to Hornets Hype. I’m sure someday, they’ll come into their own and start kicking the collective asses […]

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