Hornets Hype

Why? Because I’m your host, and I’m female. Why not?

All right, we’re into the second round. Which means all the completely unfortunate-looking teams are gone. Well, most of them anyway (yeah, Spurs, I’m looking your way). Check here for the rules. And you can review the action that went down in Division 1, Division 2, Division 3, and Division 4 of Round One. The Sweet Sixteen tips off after the jump. Get your voting on!

#1 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #16 Detroit Pistons

Matchup Preview:

The Lakeshow finally makes its entry into the tournament, having received a bye in the first round. I think they’re one of the all-around best-looking teams in the league, personally. I hate them, but they’ve got some serious attractiveness on that bench. I’m not a Kobe lover, but you can’t deny he’s got style. Jordan Farmar is cute if you turn him sideways so you can’t see the ears. Vujacic needs to get his old hair back, ’cause ew. Trevor Ariza has the dreaded neck tattoo curse of death, but he is kinda fine so I just have to forgive him.

Previously, I said of the Pistons,

How cute is Arron Afflalo? Damn. Why did someone not bring this to my attention? Seriously, though, trading Chauncey to the Nuggets for AI was a really strong move for the Pistons. AI is always gonna bring that bad-boy sexy charm to a lineup. Age doesn’t matter. Does the man look like he ages? Tayshaun, Tayshaun. I love me some Tay. I just wanna give him a big hug and then take him out to dinner. Not so we can have romantic conversation. Like, to eat.

Team Pistons handily beat Team Bulls to advance to the Sweet Sixteen. They’re rather sizzling. Life is good.

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#8 Portland Trailblazers vs. #9 New Orleans Hornets

Matchup Preview:

Team Blazers took out the Wolves in an easy matchup. From the first round preview:

I think there is something incredibly sexy about Brandon Roy, but he’s not conventionally hot. I don’t know. Am I alone out there with this? The Blazers are an odd group to judge. They’re all young, and really, there aren’t a lot of “no”s in this locker room. But there also isn’t a lot of jaw-dropping hot. It’s like, I like them as friends. Jerryd Bayless might be kinda cute. He might also be 12. LMA and Trout aren’t standouts, but they’re solid. Rudy’s a cutie. The Blazers are that dude who’s slightly above-average, but whose personality makes them hot.

This time the Blazers have their work cut out for them, as they take on the Hornets, who could pretty much advance on Chris Paul and Tyson Chandler’s strengths alone. A refresher on the NOLA boys:

Unlike in actual basketball, they’ve got some serious depth. Tyson Chandler’s one of my favorite hotties. And how can you go wrong with Chris Paul? He’s so all-American and smiley and stuff… well, except when he’s stealing people’s souls and humiliating defenses on court. Look how adorable David West is when he smiles (which is, approximately, never on camera, but lo, I have managed to capture a rare specimen of the D-West smile in the wild). I secretly carry a torch for the cuteness that is Mo Pete. And even James Posey kinda brings the sexy off the bench… although he might be an acquired taste. I didn’t see it at all when the Hornets first signed him. And behind him in the rotation, there are two or three more guys who could legitimately be counted as cute.

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#5 San Antonio Spurs vs. #12 Atlanta Hawks

Matchup Preview:

The Spurs care not for your need for attractive-looking basketball. They got here by beating the Clips in a close contest. This is approximately like the blind beating the deaf. Me and Ime Udoka can hang out though.

Meanwhile, Team Hawks likes to flex. A lot. And I like to watch. They took out Vince and the Nets, and here they are.

How do I put this? Yes, Al Horford, I would like to buy a ticket to the gun show. Whatever you’re selling, I’m buying. And I probably wouldn’t say no to whatever Josh Smith wants to sell me, either. The Hawks lineup is rounded out by Mo Evans and Solomon Jones, who are solid if not spectacular. And even Zaza Pachulia might be attractive in a strangely Eastern European sort of way.

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#4 Orlando Magic vs. #13 Miami Heat

Matchup Preview:

This is a matchup of two serious heavy-hitters. I hate to see one of them go home. Mostly because they’re pretty to look at. But that’s the cruelty of the bracket! Orlando bitchslapped the Wizards in the first round. What I said the first time around:

You know, I tried to shrink that Rashard-Lewis-in-the-pool pic smaller. I tried. But I… just… couldn’t. Combine that with the goofy charm of Dwight Howard. And the arms of Dwight Howard. Those are the arms that launched a thousand ships. Here’s my thing about JJ Redick. I think he’s cute. Like, look how good he looks in that suit with the spiked-up hair. But I don’t want to see any pics of him on the court. Because then I will remember that in actuality, he’s sort of skinny and pasty, and then he won’t be cute anymore. JJ, you live in Florida. GO OUTSIDE.

Meanwhile, the Heat got to the Florida Throwdown by outclassing the Knicks by a fairly wide margin.

Just like how it is in real basketball, this is Dwyane Wade’s team. Mr. Wade has been holding down the suave sophisticated look for years. While I do think he’s gained a little weight on the face lately, it’s not enough to significantly diminish the hotness. I love his look. I love his hats! Wade gets an A from me. But a team can’t just be one guy, so he’s getting a little help today from Michael Beasley (who can be cute when he doesn’t look high), Daequan Cook, and Mario Chalmers. Just don’t look at the rest of their roster. Seriously.

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