“Myself, I’d trust him to the end of the Earth.”
“Oh yes, and how far’s that?”
“About twelve minutes away. Come on, I need a drink.”
– The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Yep. That went well.
And so here I am writing a recap, of sorts, of a game that tied the record for the worst loss in playoff history. In which we learn that the Hornets as presently constructed are treading water (like, badly, and desparately, the way you do right before you give up and drown), and JR Smith hits a three in my face.
You know, there were moments when I thought they would make a game of it. But I think the run the Hornets gave up right out of halftime when they could have– and should have– cut it to 16 or 18 was when we looked at each other and said it wasn’t their night. The funny thing was that, before everyone left, it was really one of the loudest, most vicious crowds I’ve ever had the pleasure to be a part of in New Orleans. But, you know. Before everyone left.
Well, I had already made up my mind that I was having a good time last night, and the Hornets’ abysmal play wasn’t going to stop me. We slid over and down to the 5th row, left of center court, to enjoy ourselves a little scrub basketball as the way-richer-than-us see it.
I am not sure what came over me. I certainly didn’t care about the score. I was too shellshocked to even think about the game. And you know, if you can’t laugh, what else are you gonna do? So as JR Smith stood, large as life, right in front of me, and threw the ball into the basket for the 53-point lead, I did something I’ve never done before and leaned over the empty seat in front of me and hollered:
“YOU’RE A REAL F***ING HERO, JR!”
Everyone laughed. So I just rolled with it. “SHOOT IT, JR! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! JR FOR THE 55 POINT LEAD! YEAH!” He runs backward down the court, gives this confused look to the crowd like “WTF girl is yelling at me?”, looks back at the play, looks again.
The Hornets do whatever they do (Oh, hey, I’ve got the play by play right in front of me. Antonio Daniels bad pass, apparently, is what they do), and here ol’ JR is coming back. “SHOOT IT, JR! YEAH, JACK THE THREE! DO IT!” He steps backward over the line, with his back right to us, and drills the three.
Me: “YEAH JR! YOU’RE AWESOME!”
mW: Um, I think he just hit a three in your grill.
Me: Wait, you think he heard me?
mW: We’re the only people here. He heard you.
Me: Seriously? AHAHAHAHA!
Looking at the play by play, I’m pretty sure it’s this stretch I’m talking about:
|5:35||J.R. Smith makes layup (Jason Hart assists)||108-55|
|5:24||108-55||Antonio Daniels bad pass|
|5:09||J.R. Smith makes 23-foot three point jumper (Linas Kleiza assists)||111-55|
At one point, he was dribbling out on top of the fleur de bee logo, playing keepaway with Antonio Daniels. “SHOOT IT, JR! SHOOT THE HALF COURT SHOT! JR FROM HALF COURT! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! PLAYER OF THE F***ING GAME RIGHT THERE!”
So I guess this is a note to whoever Denver faces next– get a girl to sit courtside and relentlessly and profanely heckle JR Smith. He will shoot. This may or may not end up working well for your team. But it will be funny.
I don’t want any Denver fans coming in here and saying I’m bitter– if I was that bitter, I would have left. If, in the future, anyone challenges my fan devotion, you all know I am allowed to point to this game and say, “I stayed through the 58 point blowout. I win.” And come on, JR is too easy to pick on. This is a guy who jacked a 3 with 24 seconds left in a 55 point blowout, after all.
I said yesterday that I wasn’t worried anymore. And you know what? It feels kind of weird to admit this, but I had a lot of fun at this game. I certainly got my money’s worth. (And learned that if I could afford to sit in those seats all the time, and there were actual people around me, I would be thrown out.) I think that’s what it’s all about. We can worry about the future of this team after the playoffs. This article, however, is a must-read. If you really want to know how I feel, my answer is, “Everything this guy said.” And to those who want to blow up the team THIS SECOND, remember three, no four, things:
1) The team whose 58-point-blowout-loss record we tied came back and won the next game of the series.
2) I think the Lakers recovered fine from their Finals beatdown.
3) Your lesson is right on the court in front of you. The Nuggets were embarrassed with the whole sweep and “We quit” thing last year. They didn’t trade the entire team. They made one move. One move that was the right move.
4) You’re not the GM. That’s for a reason.
Hint to the front office: Chris Bosh. Trade everyone you have to to make it happen. No, really, everyone. Extend his contract, fill out the roster with young picks, and watch the fun happen with your two 24-year-old All Stars for the next 3 years. I genuinely like our guys, but… I just want Chris Paul to win a championship for us. Not some other team. Us. That is seriously my #1 concern right now.