You know what else makes children cry? Chris Paul not getting to start the All Star Game.
Let me repeat that, in all caps, in case you didn’t get it the first time. CHRIS PAUL MIGHT NOT START THE NBA ALL-STAR GAME.
Yes, we are talking about the man who is widely regarded as the best point guard in the game and the future of the point guard position. At the moment, in the vote count for guards in the Western Conference, Chris Paul is in third place, trailing Kobe Bryant (1 million and whatever) and Tracy McGrady (746,098).
I’m just going to cut to the chase here. I hope no one minds. And here is the message I’ve come to you here today to deliver: If you voted for Tracy McGrady, you are a douchebag. I don’t care what country you are from. You’re still douchebags. Let’s just skip the PC bullshit and say it: This is China’s fault. And we all know it. Clearly there is no other explanation for 762,162 people thinking Yi Jianlian is better than Chris Bosh, Paul Pierce, and Danny Granger. Or how about the 211,017 people who think that Rafer Alston (Houston!) is better than Brandon Roy?
09p823pohifglskjhfiug137`p20592y5ilafkhslk…. ggggg… rr. bl
Oh, excuse me. I spontaneously died on my keyboard while typing the previous sentence. You know how I feel about Brandon Roy.
Come on, China. What happened to loving the game of basketball? What happened to a sincere appreciation for the sport and those who excel at it? Chris Paul even visited your country this summer! And I bet he was nice to people while he was there. Because that is the kind of person he is. Well, you know what? Tracy McGrady wasn’t nice to the place where I live. As a matter of fact, he was outright goddamn ignorant. Maybe you should all stop for a minute and think about that.
Or don’t. Stop instead and think about the numbers.
- leads the NBA in assists (11.3)
- leads the NBA in steals (3.0)
- 20.1 ppg
- 5.2 rebounds, which is hard to do when you are LESS THAN SIX FEET TALL
- widely regarded as the best point guard in the league and one of the top 4-5 players
- team is currently 18-9
- leads the NBA in nothing
- leads his team in nothing
- 15.9 ppg, 4.7 apg, 4.8 rpg (despite having 8 inches on, well hello, what a coincidence… Chris Paul)
- widely regarded as an aging supertalented player who gets injured all the time and has never won a playoff series
- team is currently 20-11
- has only played in 23 of those games because of injury
If those stats weren’t enough for you, consider the following summary of what happened during the final 3:35 of the fourth quarter in tonight’s game against the Indiana Pacers, as brought to you by our friends At the Hive:
- 3:35 Chris Paul makes driving lay up
- 3:11 Chris Paul makes 11 foot jumper
- 2:42 Chris Paul makes driving lay up
- 2:42 Chris Paul makes free throw
- 2:23 Chris Paul steals ball
- 1:45 Chris Paul makes jumper
- 0:30 Chris Paul makes 15 foot jumper
- 0:02 Chris Paul assists on David West’s 17 foot jumper (Hornets win 105-103)
11 points in three minutes to utterly decimate the Pacers’ souls and take over the game, and this man is not an All Star starter.
Do you require more analysis? No. You don’t. I am telling you you don’t. The statistics say you don’t. Common sense says you don’t. OK, forget about Chris Paul for a second. Yes, really. Let’s just forget about the stats I just cited and pause for a moment… and think about the fact that, the way the All Star balloting is set up (it’s stupid, you know it’s stupid, I know it’s stupid, but we must operate with concise guerilla voting tactics within the confines of its stupidity here), if voting ended today, the West would start Kobe Bryant and Tracy McGrady. The West– home to the likes of Chris Paul, Deron Williams, Steve Nash, and Jason Kidd– would not start a point guard. That is just disgraceful. It’s a travesty. It’s a joke.
What is the logical conclusion to be drawn here? If you are one of the 746,098 people who voted for Tracy McGrady, then you can give yourself an extra special pat on your own back, because you, my friend, are a douchebag. Douche. Bag. If you think you can live with that, fine. But just remember… at the end of the day, a douchebag doesn’t have a brain. It’s just a somewhat archaic feminine hygiene product.
So if you are reading this post thinking, “Wow, did this person just imply that the citizens of an entire nation are douchebags?” then you have it right. Yes. Yes, I did. I want us to be perfectly clear on that point. And I didn’t imply it. I flat out said it. (OK, you got me. Obviously they can’t all be douchebags, since there are way more than 700K people in China. But these voters are.)
What can we all do about it? I don’t know. How do you compete with a nation of All Star-voting douchebags, when that nation is bigger than America? That is a question I am not sure how to answer. And as a small-market team, it’s already hard enough to compete with the douchebags in larger American cities with crappier players than CP. (And don’t think you’re off the hook, America. The 200,000 people who voted for Gilbert Arenas, despite the fact that he hasn’t played a minute all year? You douchebags deserve a special shout out.) But there’s one thing I know how to do. And that is check the friggin’ checky box. Check it next to CHRIS. PAUL. I urge you all to do the same. Don’t do it for me. Do it for the sport of basketball.
And so we’re not all really, really embarrassed come the All Star break.
THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE. BROUGHT TO YOU BY HORNETSHYPE.COM. THANK YOU FOR READING. AND HAVING A BRAIN.
Seriously. No questions. Or I will have to kill people.