Hornets Hype

OMG! Despair! Bill Simmons thinks the Hornets’ team chemistry is in DIRE PERIL. We should be freaking out. And we should listen to him. Because he has a PhD in these things.
And because, in the second quarter of a road game in which the Hornets had yet to pull away from the Clippers, a 2-11 team, he thought, in his expert opinion, they didn’t look happy enough.

Claims the front page story on ESPN.com (yes, seriously, photographic proof to the left– slow news day what?), “I mistakenly believed it would be one of those lovefest teams that players josh around during the shootarounds before each half and hug each other too much. Nope.”

Wait, huh? Don’t they? Is he talking about the same Hornets team I’m watching? Now, usually I would say, who am I to lay doubt upon the sage and expert opinions of the Sports Guy? But I think it is fair to say I have watched more Hornets games in the past year and a half than he has, approximately, ever. And to me, the Hornets generally look like they’re having a great time out there with each other. Except for Chris Paul, who looks like he is about to go nova and kill people. But guys, this is the way he always looks on the court. Haven’t you people seen the highlight from one of the playoff wins last year, where Mo Pete comes up to hug CP, and CP swaggers and slaps him away because he’s in total game mode? It’s not that he hates Mo Pete, he’s just got his game face on.

Is there maybe a bit more tension because the Hornets aren’t doing as well as their stated goals for themselves and their team? Perhaps. You know, I would be worried if they were dropping games to teams like the Sacramento Kings and then going out and goofing around. That would show they weren’t taking the losing seriously. The thing about Chris Paul tuning out Byron Scott? I don’t know. I personally don’t think Byron Scott actually does that much on-court coaching. He mostly just knows CP is gonna do his thing, and trusts him to do it. It’s not like they need to be buddy-buddy and talk all the time.

Still, I guess Bill Simmons could be right. And we are in for ridiculous Jason Kidd-esque sabotaging and chemistry issues.

Yeah. Well, back up for a sec. And consider who we’re talking about. For example, in the same column, Simmons drops this gem:

9. Is there a dumber argument in sports than “Chris Paul or Deron Williams”?

I argued before the season, passionately, that Paul was in a different league and earned myself a few death threats from the Salt Lake City area. (You stay classy, Utah.) Check out their 2009 stats through four weeks:

• Paul: 20.5 PPG, 12.2 APG, 2.9 steals, 52.3% FG, 85.6% FT.
• Williams: 7.5 PPG, 8.0 APG, 0.0 steals, 26.7% FG, 66.7% FT.

I mean, that’s a landslide! Come on! Can we all agree to stop arguing about this?

Nice analysis there, “Sports Guy.” Oh, except for the fact that Deron Williams has played in 2 games this year for a whopping statistical sample of 32 minutes each. But I mean, you go right ahead. That’s a great time to quote stats from “four weeks” into the season. Was that paragraph meant to be sarcasm? No, I’m serious. Was it, and I just didn’t get it? Because I believe CP3 is better, as much as the next Hornets fan, but I believe the technical term for analysis like that is statistically retarded. (And if it’s sarcasm, he’s still stupid. Does he not realize that thousands of eyes-glazed-over Utah fans are going to ambush him on the way to his car in the dark of night. Does he have a death wish?)

You know what? Hit me back when this happens.

Until then let’s just say I’m not worried. As a wise man once said, ‘Get back motherf***** you don’t know me like that.”

According to the Times Picayune, he had seven days to accept or reject the contract extension offer the Hornets had on the table. They’re reporting he accepted today. Smart man. But we all knew that.

It was hard to imagine him leaving the team he built, especially for the messes in Phoenix and Chicago. His new deal will up his salary from $3.5 million to $5-6 million. So we can all breathe a sigh of relief… well, a mini-sigh. We’ll save the big sigh for when they lock up CP3.

Coach Scott: With the regular season over, I imagine that you’re feeling a bit like Alice. Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

Chris Paul: You could say that.

Coach Scott: I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he’s expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Chris Paul?

Chris Paul: No.

Coach Scott: Why not?

Chris Paul: ‘Cause I don’t like the idea that I’m not in control of the game.

Coach Scott: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you’re here. You’re here because you know something. What you know, you can’t explain. But you feel it. You felt it your entire life. That there’s something missing from the game. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there. Like a splinter in your mind–driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I’m talking about?

Chris Paul: The Playoffs?

Coach Scott: Do you want to know what they are?

Chris Paul: [nods his head]

Coach Scott: The Playoffs are everywhere, they are all around us thanks to David Stern. Even now, in this very room (although for the love of Zion do not watch the Celtics-Cavs series– it’s just plain ugly). Once you understand the NBA Playoffs you will see them when you look out your window, or when you open a newspaper. You will feel them when you have your days off or when you fall asleep or when you pay your considerable taxes. They are the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Chris Paul: What truth?

Coach Scott: That experience does not matter, Chris Paul. They would have you believe that like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch–until, of course, you have been there. [long pause, sighs] Unfortunately, no one can be told what the NBA Playoffs are. You have to see them for yourself. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. [In his left hand, Coach Scott shows a blue pill]

Chris Paul: [Watches Coach Scott patiently]

Coach Scott: You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. [a red pill is shown in his other hand] You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

Chris Paul: [Long pause; Chris Paul begins to reach for the red pill]

Coach Scott: Remember–all I am offering is the truth, nothing more.

Chris Paul: [Chris Paul takes the red pill and swallows it with a glass of water]

Coach Scott: You have to let it all go, Chris Paul. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind.

Chris Paul: What will happen to me?

Coach Scott: You are The One, Chris Paul. You see, you may have spent the last few years looking for me, but I have spent my entire life looking for you.

Chris Paul: But I’m not the one with “Chosen One” tattooed on my back.

Coach Scott: That is irrelevant. I believe it is our fate to be here. It is our destiny. I believe this postseason holds, for each and every one of your teammates, the very meaning of our lives. This is a war and we are soldiers. What if by Tuesday we beat the Spurs? And the Lakers after that? What if then we take out the scabs from the Eastern Conference and that war is over and we and we alone were NBA Champions? Isn’t that worth fighting for? Isn’t that worth dying for?

Chris Paul: Dying?

Coach Scott: You are The One, Chris Paul.

Chris Paul: NBA Champions?

Coach Scott: That’s right. This very season.

Chris Paul: Whoa. [Pauses] Are you saying I can choose whether we win or lose?

Coach Scott: No. You’ve already made the choice. Now you have to understand it.

Chris Paul: No. I can’t do that. I won’t.

Coach Scott: Well, you have to.

Chris Paul: Why?

Coach Scott: Because you’re The One.

The Times Picayune is reporting that Byron Scott will receive the Coach of the Year award tomorrow night before Game 5 against Dallas. Now that’s irony…

We love seeing Hornets getting major award props for the amazing 56-26 season they’ve put together! (Yup, this is definitely official, it just came on Sportscenter as I was typing.)

Congratulations, Coach Scott!

Insert foot. Or see Scott go to the finals as both a player and a coach. Not content with his 32% shooting from the field, or his 29% 3-point percentage, Jerry Stackhouse decided to try and hit something with his mouth. He had this to say on his weekly radio show:

“I think it’s just about having personalities that mesh and I think Chris [Paul] is such a great guy, I think he’s been able to kind of deal with Byron Scott. I don’t think Byron Scott is the best coach. I don’t think he’s the best guy to deal with — you know what I’m saying? — from some things that I’ve heard from other players and just some dealings that I had with him earlier in the season.

“I was about ready to kick his ass — you know what I’m saying? He was sitting on the sideline and we just got into a little conversation or something and he was going to tell me, you know, ‘Talk to me when you get a ring.’ I was like, I told that fool, ‘If I played with Magic and Worthy and Kareem I’d have a ring, too. So, you know, he’s a sucker in my book, but that’s a whole other story.”

Really. And what does Stackhouse think he’d have accomplished even had the Mavs beaten the Heat the other year ago (which they didn’t). What has he ever done? And in this year’s playoffs, he averages as many turnovers and fouls a game as he does assists. And by the way, Stack, Byron–as a player–averaged 13.4 points a game in the playoffs, while shooting 48% from the field and 40% from long range. Those are the numbers you need to contribute to a championship team.

Enjoy your first round ouster, Jerry. Again.