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Dusche Bagel of the Week

Dusche Bagel of the Week

It has been suggested to me many a time that I institute a Dusche Bagel of the Week Award. Well, I’m finally doing it. This award shall henceforth be given to the person/team/entity that has pissed me off, through acts of extreme douchery, during a given week.

What is a Dusche Bagel? Some background… earlier this season Rajon Rondo acted like a punk and made some statements about how much better he is than Chris Paul. (These statements have since been statistically debunked. Hell, after the other night, we’re not even sure Rondo is better than Darren Collison.) Some Celtics “superfans” decided to come troll my blog. Most of the garbage I deleted… except this poor unfortunate soul, who unwittingly provided me with entire minutes of laughter and entertainment:

The Original Dusche Bagel

The Original Dusche Bagel

And thus the term Dusche Bagel was born.

The Dusche Bagel of the Week is…. Vince Carter

Vince Carter singlehandedly stole a victory from the Hornets on Monday night, putting up 48 points, the most he has scored in like five years or some garbage. Let me get this straight. Dude is having the worst year of his entire career, missing laughable shots (I mean this quite literally– I was watching a Magic game a couple weeks ago and Vince Carter’s shot selection and gleeful airballings of entire possessions while his teammates grimaced caused me to actually laugh out loud), wearing a stupid NCAA-esque t-shirt under his jersey, and oh yeah, sucking. And then he comes out of nowhere to beat a Hornets team that puts up 70 in the first half, probably playing the best team game it can possibly hope to put together with two starters out, one of them being Chris Paul. He was hitting defended shots, contested shots, stupid shots, shots where he was the only Orlando player to ever touch the ball– the sort of shots that, if he’d been missing, people would’ve been crucifying him over. I bet even Magic fans were like, “What the fuck, Vince Carter.” Like, where have you been the other 40-some games of the year? Where were you in January? Oh, that’s right, going 2-15 in losses to shitty teams. The Vince fans of the internet were all excited, clamoring, frantically typing, “It’s amazing! He’s back! He’s turned the corner!” So, has he? Is he, as everyone raved on a fine recent Tuesday morning, back?

No. He has averaged an underwhelming 14.5 points per game since his big happy outburst. Because Vince Carter is one of those dudes who’s only good when it’s obnoxious to be good. For a look at some of the other douchery in his oeuvre, please click here. Vince Carter, ladies and gentlemen, your dusche bagel of the week.

… after Jeff Bower inexplicably benched David West (15-5) for the entire 4th quarter of a tie game, in which the Hornets leading scorer (CP3) was out having knee surgery and the game’s leading scorer (Thornton, 22 pts) had just fallen hard and gone to the locker room, I might have done something like this first:

Shortly followed by something like this:

Would it have changed the fact that the Hornets blew a game they should’ve won to one of their closest competitors for a playoff spot, because their rookie head coach decided it would be a fun time to teach his longest tenured player and 2-time All Star a lesson? No. But it would have made me feel better.

So, I guess it’s a good thing they don’t let me go to press conferences.

I have to go. I’m, literally, an incoherent ball of rage right now. ^%$@#I*YFGSDFHJSG&$#TRA^TRDS