It has been suggested to me many a time that I institute a Dusche Bagel of the Week Award. Well, I’m finally doing it. This award shall henceforth be given to the person/team/entity that has pissed me off, through acts of extreme douchery, during a given week.
What is a Dusche Bagel? Some background… earlier this season Rajon Rondo acted like a punk and made some statements about how much better he is than Chris Paul. (These statements have since been statistically debunked. Hell, after the other night, we’re not even sure Rondo is better than Darren Collison.) Some Celtics “superfans” decided to come troll my blog. Most of the garbage I deleted… except this poor unfortunate soul, who unwittingly provided me with entire minutes of laughter and entertainment:
And thus the term Dusche Bagel was born.
The Dusche Bagel of the Week is…. Vince Carter
Vince Carter singlehandedly stole a victory from the Hornets on Monday night, putting up 48 points, the most he has scored in like five years or some garbage. Let me get this straight. Dude is having the worst year of his entire career, missing laughable shots (I mean this quite literally– I was watching a Magic game a couple weeks ago and Vince Carter’s shot selection and gleeful airballings of entire possessions while his teammates grimaced caused me to actually laugh out loud), wearing a stupid NCAA-esque t-shirt under his jersey, and oh yeah, sucking. And then he comes out of nowhere to beat a Hornets team that puts up 70 in the first half, probably playing the best team game it can possibly hope to put together with two starters out, one of them being Chris Paul. He was hitting defended shots, contested shots, stupid shots, shots where he was the only Orlando player to ever touch the ball– the sort of shots that, if he’d been missing, people would’ve been crucifying him over. I bet even Magic fans were like, “What the fuck, Vince Carter.” Like, where have you been the other 40-some games of the year? Where were you in January? Oh, that’s right, going 2-15 in losses to shitty teams. The Vince fans of the internet were all excited, clamoring, frantically typing, “It’s amazing! He’s back! He’s turned the corner!” So, has he? Is he, as everyone raved on a fine recent Tuesday morning, back?
No. He has averaged an underwhelming 14.5 points per game since his big happy outburst. Because Vince Carter is one of those dudes who’s only good when it’s obnoxious to be good. For a look at some of the other douchery in his oeuvre, please click here. Vince Carter, ladies and gentlemen, your dusche bagel of the week.