Hello. I am the perfect ref. I am the canonical proportion of he/she who controls/ manages the NBA games. It is also my job to deliver on the expectations of David Stern and other league officials. Moreover, I am paid to protect certain players and teams.

For example, when the upstart New Orleans Hornets come out at halftime playing stifling defense and making shots, and pulling within 5 of the stalwart Spurs at the 10:07 mark, I feel the need to call an offensive, if ridiculous, foul on Chris Paul, who incidentally, was taking over an NBA game without being named Lebron James, Kobe Bryant, or Tim Duncan. So, over the next 1:23 of game time, I make sure to call another foul on Chris, and three on David West, who although not playing his best game, has started the third quarter hot and might take over the game. Just for good measure, I’ll call a technical foul on West too. Incidentally, I’ll ignore the fact that Bruce Bowen, a renowned flopper, who switched to Paul after halftime, keeps hitting the floor suddenly and I keep rewarding him with fouls.

So, since on the first of those fouls, Chris made the shot, the Hornets would have been within 2 or 3 points, I feel good that the Hornets are now pushed to 7, which isn’t a huge swing, but those pesky Hornets keep trying to defend. But the longer this goes, the more upset and angry they are and now they’re playing scared, and the lead blossoms to 11. Fortunately, when you have two evenly matched teams, a 10 point swing really IS the game.

[EDIT: Fuck the refs, fuck the Spurs. Steal your home games any way you want. Bring it Monday, bitches. We’ll see who the better team is. Believe that.]

I’m not worried about the Hornets. Today.

I suppose it was inevitable that the Spurs win a game. They didn’t win 4 championships by accident (you know, similar to how the Hornets tripped and fell into 2nd place in the West by accident). Not falling into a 3-0 hole was more urgent to them than grabbing this particular game on the road was to the Hornets. Still sucks, though. But all is not dire– this was a great game to watch, pretty much CP vs. TP duking it out, with the Spurs’ 3 point shooting and the Hornets’ lack thereof making up the difference in the final score. It was a close game, and they still couldn’t solve Chris Paul.

Hello, bench. Nice of you guys to drop by. Oh, wait. Not. We really needed a bigger benchspark-y performance by Pargo and Wells. They managed to combine for 4 of 15 and one Bonus!HeinousLateFoul that resulted in a 4 point play. And after Ely gave us some decent D in Game 2, he was nonexistent last night.

I know Chris Paul was amazing last night, etc., etc., with his 35 points and 9 assists. But does anyone miss Assisting Chris Paul just a little bit when Scoring Chris Paul is on the floor? Like maybe if it was 27 points and 17 assists the Hornets would have won. Now, I know Bruce Bowen was stifling Peja, which was smart coaching that finally appeared to work, but Mo Pete only took 3 shots, all threes, making one. We couldn’t have tried to find him on the floor, seeing as he was 5-5 in Game 2? I know at times CP3 took the shot because his options were taken out, but I don’t understand why the Hornets didn’t take advantage better when the Spurs were in the penalty early in the third quarter. Mo and Peja are shooters, but both can drive if they have to. And really, I thought they should have tossed Bonzi back in instead of Pargo, just to get more bodies down low. It was hard to tell, though, whether that was a lack of adjustment by the Hornets, the refs swallowing their whistles, or the Spurs playing carefully. And, oh D West. I love ya, but you kind of… sort of… OK, totally blew it at the end right when we could have gotten back in it. 3 missed free throws? And a couple of defensive plays where he looked like he gave up, marring an otherwise solid game.

The Hornets really need to prove they can win road games in the playoffs. Maybe on Sunday. In the meantime, let’s just sit back and watch the experts backpedal wildly on their overestimation of the greatness of the Hornets…

Byron Scott: I am intense.

Bonzi Wells: I am slightly blurry, possibly explaining why I miss open layups.

B. Scott: This tie chafes like Bruce Bowen on Peja. I cannot wait to change into my press conference tracksuit.

Bonzi: Must. Not. Lose. Headband. Ninja. Powers. Concentrated. In. Headband.

And Game One’s in the books, ladies and gentlemen.

Down 4 at halftime, the Hornets came out and owned the second half. David West dropped 30, and as David West goes, so go the Hornets. And so they went, totally shutting down Tim Duncan and forcing him into the worst game of his playoff career. Tyson Chandler destroyed on the boards. Peja was Peja (plus 18,000 or so smiley extra Pejas who also happened to be in the building). And on the night he lost the MVP award to Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul was rewarded with a thundering M-V-P chant in the fourth quarter. Because tonight 18,000 people knew better.

You know, there are a lot of people saying, “Who are the Hornets? Who the hell is David West anyway? Nobody.” No playoff experience, no mental toughness, no bench. No this and no that. No fans to care.

And then there are the people saying, “Chris Paul is great, but next year. This team should show some respect to ______. This team isn’t for real yet.”

Why should we expect this team to beat the seasoned playoff warriors of the decade? Why should we think this team deserved to be at the top of the West? Why the Hornets?

OK, you know what?

Answer me this question, tonight: Why not the Hornets? And why not now?

First off, At the Hive has an excellent extended recap of last night’s 104-107 loss to the Lakers. Why? Because he was there. I was not there, so I’m going to do some stats right now instead. Briefly, though. I had to DVR Battlestar Galactica to watch this game, and it is calling to me.

The Good: 1.) I loved the Hornets’ tenacity coming back from a 30-pt deficit. It reminded me why this team is so exciting to watch. 2.) I don’t think the game was decisive in a big way for either Kobe or CP3’s MVP chances. They both had big plays. They both had solid, not outstanding (for them), statistical nights. Those members of the media who would vote just based on this one game are idiots. Yes, Kobe’s team won. But here’s a little known fact: the Hornets have won games too this season. 55 of them, actually. I know, right? You weren’t aware?

The Bad: 1.) Hornets still lost a close one that I thought they were going to pull out. 2.) I was going to snark on ESPN here, but then I realized it was J.A. Adande who wrote it and the team the Hornets played was the Lakers, so I’m not even going to bother. See how well I learn there.

The Ugly: 1.) The first quarter. Lord, but it was ugly. I realize the Hornets are a second half team, but they cannot allow themselves to get behind like that in the playoffs. 2.) Hilton Armstrong. I like him, but it has to be said. He comes in for Tyson Chandler, and the first thing he does is drop the ball on what would have been a guaranteed 2 points if Tyson had caught the pass. Things did not get better from there.

And now on to the Hornets’ Magic Number. It’s 3.

• The Hornets need to win all three games left on the schedule to keep the #1 seed. This means beating Sacramento tonight on the second half of the back-to-back, the Clippers on Tuesday, and the Mavs in Dallas on Wednesday (this game was just picked up by ESPN yesterday).
• If the Hornets win 2 out of 3, they clinch the division title.
• Lakers are the closest, at 0.5 games back, after last night’s loss.
• San Antonio and Houston are 1.0 games back, but New Orleans has the tiebreaker on both.
• Since Phoenix lost last night, they can’t catch the Hornets for #1. This obviously makes statistical sense, because the Lakers clinched the division last night. New Orleans no longer holds the tiebreaker on L.A.
• Spurs play the Lakers Sunday. Gotta be watching this one closely.
• Playing the role of “We’re not making the playoffs but maybe we’ll destroy someone’s hopes” is the Sacramento Kings. Their remaining schedule? Get this: New Orleans, San Antonio, LA. Quite possibly, as the Kings go, so goes the race for #1.
• Hornets’ last game at Sacramento was a 103-112 loss, a.k.a. “The Game We Left a Perfectly Good Mardi Gras Parade Early For, Only To Find New Orleans Down 26 to a Shitty Team– WTF? I Missed Muses For This?” Possibly the low point of the season.
• I’m just throwing this out there: the Hornets dropping to the #2 seed would mean they’d avoid the 2nd round matchup with Utah, the only team in the West I don’t feel confident they could beat in a 7-game series.

Was there a full moon tonight? Detroit lost to the Knicks. Boston needed overtime to barely beat Milwaukee. And the Miami Heat won a game.

Meanwhile we were forced to watch the stultifyingly ugly… thing… that was the Hornets losing to the Jazz 77-66. Chris Paul played the worst game, possibly, of his career, scoring only 4 points. Entire minutes went by with both teams having turnover after turnover without resulting in points. Peja inexplicably sat in the moments he should have played. The officiating was stifling to the flow of the game in the 2nd, only to disappear in the 4th. Everyone was grabbing and bumping everyone. It was like… slogging through a field of mud for 48 minutes straight. And every time the mud starts to thin out and you pick up some speed, you trip over a rock. And at the end of it, you feel annoyed, slow, and dirty. Shit, the Jazz didn’t even play well. It was sort of like a pileup on the highway.

I think my little world will be happier if I pretend I was abducted by aliens for those missing 3 hours of my life… but I guess I can’t, because I just saw myself on the NBATV highlights. Which seems, unfortunately, to shoot all kinds of holes in the theory that I wasn’t there.

No, Chris! Tyson has it right. Whatever you do, don’t look at it!

I would give you a photo of what the CP3 for MVP t-shirt giveaway looks like, but that thing is so X-Large that if I put it back on, I’m not sure I’ll be able to find my way out of it again… I kid, I kid. That’s it on the left.

We were also (barely) able to score our Chris Paul bobbleheads. They passed out cards with “CP3 MVP” on one side and “GEAUX HORNETS” on the other. I thought they could have done a better job of coordinating that stuff via the PA announcer, but whatever. The fans more or less did all right with it. Chris Paul’s bobblehead doesn’t really look like Chris Paul, but it does have one yellow bracelet and one white. Cute! Just like the real Chris Paul.

As for the game, let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up:

Ric Flair was there to personally do the “WHOO!” Hornets fell behind early, then blasted their way through the 2nd quarter to take the lead. Hornets and Warriors exchanged runs throughout the second half. CP3 had a triple double on national TV, and really, though it was a rather quiet game for him (SEE? HOW SPOILED ARE WE??? You want to trade your guy’s night for our guy’s quiet 16 pts, 13 ast, 10 reb, and 5 steals? Oh, too bad. You can’t have him), might have just sealed up the MVP right there. Jannero Pargo took over the 2nd quarter and scored 15 points off the bench. David West started out limited but finished strong. Bonzi Wells lounged on the bench and drank Red Bull, while still managing to be great in that strange Bonzi way. Peja was Peja. Hornets rolled 108-96, picking up win #54 and a 2 game cushion for the #1 seed in the West.

Notes on ABC’s coverage:

We DVRed this game just because we had to see for ourselves whether any shitlistings would be imminent. But it’s okay, ABC’s safe. It was probably some of the nicest coverage the Hornets have had recently. (And you think by “nicest,” I mean they talked about us the most. No. I don’t think people who live in other cities truly understand the number of ill-informed cheap shots taken at the city of New Orleans and the team during regular coverage of these games. It’s still happening, and it’s really annoying. So I really do mean “nicest” as in, they were nice.)

• I guess, cool as the Hornets are, they aren’t as cool as Steve Nash and the Phoenix Suns, because we never get the parking garage shot of them walking past their expensive black cars into the arena. You know you’ve made it when you get a parking garage shot.
• At the beginning of the game, they did a close-up on Chris Paul stretching, and he started coughing and had to get up because the smoke was in his face.
• There was a massive MVP chant for Chris Paul in the 4th quarter, but they went to commercial break.
• Announcers loved Tyson, called D-West “well, I hesitate to say this, but one of the great players in this league,” and said Peja was back in old-school form.
• ABC agreed with us on the quality of the officiating.
• Pargo got interviewed at halftime. I don’t think they knew where Pargo came from.
• We got to go inside the locker room and hear both coaches discussing their game plan for the second half. Nelson: “We aren’t sticking to the plan. We have to get back to the plan.” What was the Warriors’ plan? … Jacking up threes. No, I’m not kidding. That was it. Now, if you look back to the home game the Hornets lost to the Warriors, you can see why that was the whole plan. But still. That’s it, guys? That’s all ya got? Too bad Golden State was 3 for 29. I don’t know, at some point, I’d have been thinking about… maybe… changing the plan.
• Chris Paul is a bossy little mofo on those Wired segments, isn’t he? “Hey, Coach, please, I gotta play, I swear I’ll take myself out if I need to come out, please!… Coach, D-West and Peja! Why’re they on the bench?” Haha!
• Halftime feature on David West, plus earlier we also got footage of CP’s high school game where he scored 61 points in honor of his grandfather. Then we had Peja’s Fave Five three point shooters. I said, “Is he allowed to say himself?” Wonder no more, because Peja’s Fave Five were Larry Bird, Reggie Miller, Ray Allen, Dirk Nowitzki, and indeed, himself. LOL. Guess so.
• Said they definitely think there’ll be a home advantage come playoff time. Said the city of New Orleans has always brought it for the Saints, and they have no doubt they’ll bring it for the Hornets, because they know how to bring the party.

HypeMeter: ABC figures, the Hornets haven’t dropped out of #1 when everyone thought they would, so why not? Yes! You know you want to throw in with us. Hornets, Hornets, Hornets! We can’t wait to see what happens next, either.

CrowdWatch: 17,809, another sellout, and if it’s good enough for ABC, it’s good enough for me.

Tyson is a man who has destroyed lesser competition this year and tonight was no different. Miami’s frontcourt, apparently made up of actual NBA players, had no answer for the Bees’ big man. He ended up with 20 points on 10/10 shooting, with 10 rebounds thrown in for giggles. The only disappointing thing is that he had I think 14 at halftime and didn’t even take a shot in the third. Oh well. Much love TC.

….

ticktock6: Is Bonzi chewing gum?

mW: Lots of players chew gum.

ticktock6: You think he was blowing bubbles on the floor when they were playing the Celtics? I’m just saying.

mW: I’m not going to answer that question.

34-19 in the 2nd.

….

Oh god. Gil and Bob discussing buying teal seersucker suits for the playoffs. And I think they’re serious.

The Heat closed for a short time but then the Hornets started playing again.

91-70 in the 4th.

….

LOL at Tyson swinging a towel in circles on the bench and hitting himself in the eye with it. They are gonna show that clip all night. When CST latches onto something, they do not let it go. That shit was made for YouTube.

Plus we actually missed the last minute of play or so because CST thought Chris Paul tossing autographed sneakers into the crowd and other bench hijink was more interesting than the game . . . ummm . . . (sudden silence)

106-77 Final.

….

ESPN, apropos of nothing, during Mavs/Warriors game just now:

“How about the New Orleans Hornets? Wow… blah blah… 52-22… can’t see them finishing out of the Top 2… just a great team… 30 games over .500… great record against the Western Conference too… oh, and Dirk just scored.”

YES, HOW ABOUT THE NEW ORLEANS HORNETS!!!

I have seen enough to know that my job here is done.

So here’s how it is. Classic match-up. Best in the West and best in the East. Each team giving its best and hammering the other, then the other taking it and giving it back. I think fans of either team would be proud at half time, and would feel okay with the loss either way because it was such a great slugfest. Only then Doc “Cry Me A” Rivers melted down near the end of the half. Throwing a hissy fit over calls that were clearly legitimate, he garnered a technical foul. On the next few fouls (his team was in the penalty early), he glowered at the refs, but kept it cool.

Then the second half. Where we saw perhaps the worst refereed quarter ever. And fans of the Hornets know that is saying something. For the first five minutes or so of the quarter, it was a slugfest. Celtics come out on a run, but then the Bees responded. They went back and forth. It was as nerve wracking as it was great. But then the refs took over. First, a “foul” on David West, where the Celtic is seen clearly in the replay pulling his jersey and yanking him to the ground. Then the Celtics score. Next, David West was called for a charge, when his defender was off his feet (a clear foul on the defender, and a total blown call). Then the Celtics go down and score. Then a third foul. A Celtics score on the other end. Later a CP shooting foul, somehow, inexplicably is called a pre-shooting foul, the cheering crowd looking for 2 points and 1 are disappointed when they see the ref waving it off. The Bees take it out of bounds and then a turnover and C’s score on the other end.

While we’ve written before that a true champion should be able to overcome bad calls, it’s really hard when the team you’re playing is a potential champion also. When you do the math on this stretch, it was not just three bad calls, costing us six points, but twelve because they worked both ends. So basically, this stretch cost us the game. Yes, we lost by twenty, but that was well after the game was out of hand, forcing us to jack up bad shots in desperation and what our back-ups eventually did in the same vein.

So yes, NBA coaches, feel free to lobby, cry, and whine to the refs. Get your technicals. It just might help. And by the way, I love the Celtics. I love Kevin Garnett. So I’m not biased against them. But right now, I’m so bitter that they were given this game on a silver platter, that I am going to be desperately rooting against them in the playoffs. David Stern may want Lakers-Celtics in the finals, but I for one don’t want him to make that decision unilaterally.

Nor should the refs. This game was a travesty. The Hornets will have their revenge.

I have nothing to say that isn’t what I said yesterday. So, ya know, feel free to scroll down. Except now with Bonus!ManLove!

Yes, this means David West was legendary again.

Hornets 113, Celtics 106.

Do you believe?

Edited to Add: Oh, and our new “WHERE CHRIS PAUL HAPPENS” sign was on the jumbotron and on TV. We saw it on the CST feed… while we were standing in line at the Abita tap in the 3rd quarter. We just shook our heads. “Dumb. Fucking. Luck.”