Hornets Hype

In a basement. In our pajamas.

Archive for the ‘ I Amuse Myself ’ Category

These are Evil Trade Destinations. Do not leave me sad notes saying I’m mean. Evil is mean.

Charlotte Bobcats – They play the Miami Heat on a regular basis. “Oh, hey friends! Isn’t it awesome to have us all together here tonight?…… Oh……… WTF…. Why you gotta beat me down like that? I thought we were all friends?”

LA Clippers – He and Baron Davis can fight it out for the starting point guard spot. And for bragging rights over whose “Exit Strategy” from New Orleans went better.

Minnesota Timberwolves – Kahn (rubbing hands together with a maniacal grin): “Excellent. This will be the prime piece in my ultimate point guard collection. I will keep it on the top shelf, with my Darko bobblehead and the Chris Webber fingernail clipping I am saving for the voodoo doll.”

Indiana Pacers – All the mediocrity and small-town feel of New Orleans, but cold!

Golden State Warriors – Nellie: “WHO MADE THIS TRADE? This will never work. What do you mean I have three starters who are not 6-8 power forwards? Everyone knows you are supposed to have at least four 6-8 power forwards running the floor at. all. times! Who’s my GM? Who are all these midget guards? Where am I?”

Disclaimer: This has all been tongue-in-cheek. It is a joke. Hornets Hype does not in any way, shape, or form endorse the trading of Chris Paul. If anyone has an Evil Trade Destination they’d like to add, by all means drop it in the comments!

Preemptive Hype Victory

By on May 8, 2010

One of the reasons we started this blog was to launch an all-out assault on ignorant and ill-informed media. One of the historically problematic culprits: our local paper, the Times Picayune.  (Though, admittedly, they have improved much over the years.)  In particular, one of those esteemed beat  writers is always on our Shit List: John DeShazier. If anyone ever mastered the “Our team played great but sucked doing it and I’ll tell you how and why they suck,” J.D. has.   His article in today’s paper?   TT6 and can’t find it online.   As far as I’m concerned, they pulled it, knowing the Hype would rip it apart.  Score one for the Bush Doctrine and us.  Too bad for the Times Pic, I’m going to talk about it anyway.

The article focuses on new owner Gary Chouest embarking on his interview road trip with team president, Hugh Weber, and general manager, Jeff Bower, looking for a new Hornets head coach; and assumes Chouest is monitoring and assessing Weber and Bower at the same time. Of course, Johnny cites no sources, no authorities for this information, and his story is 100% speculation.   Okay.  Fine.  He’s an “editorial” writer.  Fair enough. But I know what you’re saying, how can I verify what he said if it’s not online?   Well, here it is, in black and white.  Look to the right.  I’m just going to focus on his most absurd points.   For example, DeShazier argues that Bower has more non-playoff appearances since becoming GM in 2005 than playoff appearances (3-2).  Neglecting to mention that Bower took over after the team was thrust into the much tougher Western Conference and blown up; also not mentioning that he built a winner from nothing.  DeShazier also points out that Bower’s teams have declined in victory totals the last three years.  Neglecting to mention that the place from which the Hornets were descending was the best Hornets regular season record ever.  Or that two of those three years were the team’s best, by far, since moving to the Western Conference.  Okay, but this is all really small fries, nit-picking a fellow journalist, who, as you all know, is already on our bad side.  But then he makes the mistake which no doubt got his article pulled from Nola.com.  Some of you may have already skimmed ahead and ruined the surprise.

DeShazier writes: “and just two draft picks – Chris Paul in 2005 and Darren Collison in 2009 – can be considered successes.”  Well, certainly they were successes.  But, I don’t know, maybe there was a guy drafted last year by Bower called MARCUS THORNTON.  Listen folks, Thornton broke the Hornets rookie records for most points in a game, most points off the bench in a game, most 3s in a season, most combined rookie points in a season (with Collison), and most points in a single quarter.  Oh yeah, he also holds the non-rookie Hornets’ records for most points off the bench and most points in a quarter.   He also made the Second All-NBA Rookie team, and by most accounts, was the best 2-guard out of this year’s rookies.  So if you’re John DeShazier, wake up this morning and give yourself a nice hard facepalm.  Because you deserve it.

As to Marcus Thornton, on behalf of New Orleans, we apologize for all the haters and idiots.  We’ll be back next year, cheering you, hyping you, and watching you help this team back to the Playoffs.

Chris Paul Brings Da Ruckus

By on March 22, 2010

[Intro: Shogun Stern]

Hornets shadowboxing and the Chris Paul ball style
If what you say is true, the Hornets and Chris Paul could be dangerous

[Intro: Bower Robotnik]

Do you think Big D’s Carlisle-style can defeat us?
En garde, We’ll let them try our Hornets’ style

[Chorus: Buckets and Dimes da Fleur de Bee]

Bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus
Bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus
Bring da mother, bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus
Bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus

[Verse: CP3]
Grief Merchant, catch the blast of my hype verse
Speed bursts, I leave ‘em in a hearse, I’ve done worse
I come rough, tough like basketball leather
Make your head rush and ankle snap, not so clever
Aw shit, Chris Paul clan spark the comeback
Over Big-D, quick cross-over like Magic,
Causin’ terror, my stare’ll damage your whole line-up
J-Kidd got locked the fuck up and left tryin’ to flop
Hornets style, hazardous ’cause we wreck this dangerous
I score points at this like Drew Brees and Reggie Bush.

[Verse: D-West]

I watch my back like I’m locked down
Hardcore bumpin’ low, watch me pick and roll and tear it down
A literate-type balla, double-double, no doubt
You watch all those corny Mavs’ playas fold
Yeah, they flop and all that, earnin’ stats,
But yo, my clan’s rollin’ like thirteen Killa Bees
Now your act contrived, I guess it makes sense
Chris Paul, his play’s sweeeeeeeeeeet, represent
I wait for Nowtiski to act up
Now I got him backed up; slap to his face now, react, what?
Meanwhile that’s one in the basket
Chris Paul tasked it, and I got 36 ways to jack it.

[Chorus: Buckets and Dimes da Fleur de Bee]

Bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus
Bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus
Bring da mother, bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus
Bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus

[Verse: Peja 13]

I rip shots hardcore like porno-flick bitches
Rollin’ with a team of ballas with mad riches
Check it, my method on the ballcourt’s bangin’
Hornets floor moves leave your mouthpiece hangin’
Bust this, I’m shootin’ like Seagal in Lawman, can’t miss,
The roughness, yes, the rudeness and ruckus
Redrum, I athletically assault with the hot hand
Murder-one – my style shot your knot like a machine-gun
I’m hectic, I wreck it with the quickness,
Pass the rock, and da competition get blown
By this nasty-ass playa – Lil’ Buckets will own you,
Chargin’ like a bull and bringin’ the ruckus
He be bad, ragin’ up the floor with the fab, no crab
Dribble drive, I scream on your ass: “bring it on…”

[Chorus: Buckets and Dimes da Fleur de Bee]

Bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus
Bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus
Bring da mother, bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus
Bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus

[Verse: Oak]
Yo, I’m more rugged than my Bobcats roots
Our new recruits and me fuckin’ up invading troops
I break loops and trample fools while I stomp
A mudhole in that ass, cause I’m straight out the swamp,
Creepin’ up on Nola, now it’s Ladies Night for us
And my Hornets’ style is mad fuckin’ dangerous
More deadly than the stroke of an axe
Choppin’ through outstretched arms, *swish*
Givin’ bystanders heart-attack harm
Playas try to flip, tell me who is at the 5, him?
I blow up his fuckin’ zone, make it a vicious act of terrorism
You wanna bring it, so fuck it
Come on and bring the ruckus
I provoke players to make buckets
I’m makin’ ‘em wet, but I ain’t sweatin’ my fame
Who’s sellin’ gain, I’m dishin’ out a deadly game
It’s not the Mavericks, it’s the Chris Paul hip-hop roulette
Slip up and get played like a sucka at the net.

[Chorus: Buckets and Dimes da Fleur de Bee]

Bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus
Bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus
Bring da mother, bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus
Bring da motherfuckin’ ruckus

[Outro: Aaron the Incredible Bulk]

So bring it on…
So bring it on…
So bring it on…
Punk ballas.

An Ode to Don Nelson

By on March 18, 2010

Hornets aren’t as good as they have been the last two years and Dallas I mean Oakland I mean Golden State I mean fuck (which team are we again), well, my team has gotta take advantage of these fools without CP3; it’s our big chance to run a team ragged and let our talent lag get lost in the run and gun style we run without their ability to sub, you know, with all their injuries–wait, what, our injuries, our short bench?  Don’t worry about it.

Tip.  We win.  That Ju-kid steals it and quick foul, take it out of bounds and then they score?  That was quick.  We got our own tricks, ha ha.  We’ll just let Anthony Tolliver score the first  14 of our 18 points.  D-Leaguer?  Not anymore.  Won’t see him coming.  Okafor two quick fouls.  Sucker!  Oh wait, we don’t have any bigs either.  No answer to David West inside or out, why is he running and working hard on defense?  It’s a waste of time.  (He’s killing us, though).  We’re running up and down, though; what more could you want (it’s a game of attrition, how could this not work?).   Songaila fouled makes both free throws. Damn!  Who would have thought it?  Hornets up 4 at the end of the First: got ‘em right where we want ‘em.

That Marcus Buckets kid’s supposed to be special?  He’s 0-1.  Mwwwahaha.  We’ll shoot him back to the bench.  Wait, what, we’re 2-8 from 3?  Shit.  Keep shooting.  Buckets 0-2 now.  What’s that, Smart, West is 8-15 for 18  with 6:18 to go in the Second?  What the fuck? Chris Paul looked good in warm-ups, think he’ll suit up at halftime?  Maggette’s jumper is falling.  That’s something  Thank god West picked up foul 2 and is finally sitting.

Posey in. Is that good or not?  Old, flu-ridden bastard.  Que pasa, Silas?  Zero offensive boards and our best rebounder has 2?  West has 8 and Songaila 4?  Don’t worry about it.  C.J. Picks up foul 3.  Shit.  Wow, that Thornton 3 was a curveball. How’d that go in?  Finally get a fast break our way and Posey holds Ellis, holding up the break, no call?  Whatever.

Collison pull up 3 with 32 seconds left in the Second for the 2-and-1, didn’t he do that at the end of the First?  Well at least we’ll, aarrrrggghh!  Just….Wright cross court for the buzzer-beater.  Never mind.

West picks up his double-double forty seconds in.  Thunder dunk from Okafor.  Damn.  We’re losing?  I guess it’s because we can’t hit anything from 3.  Cut in then, ah, see you missed.  Oh, wait, another way late whistle? Sweet, we’ll take it.  Steal, there we go.  Wait, did C.J. just pass it to Bower? Fuck!

Why does that Mo Pete keep hitting 3s?  That’s our thunder.  HOLD ON.  11-3 run, that’s what I’m talking about. What, Turner, we’re still down 13? Shit!  But the crowd’s back into it now.  Hornets lead down to 9. Keep it gunning, guys. Wait Mo again?  What’s with that guy?!  Steal to end the Third and Devean George dunks it home.  Yeeeahahahah!!!

Run keep going keep going run and shoot 3s and yes that is what I call coaching suck it now because we’re tied, bitches!  Mo Pete fouled on the 3. Misses all 3 FTs!?  Wouldn’t have happened if he had jacked that shot up quicker!  Back now to us, up 2, 34-11 Warriors run!!!   Wait, why did that Buckets kid score 2 in a row? I thought he was taking it off tonight?

Another 3, this one missed. So what? That’s not the point.  What is with that David West?!?  Ah well, defense is overrated.  We’ll just keep shooting to defend him.  There we go, Reggie Williams hits another three. He hit over 40% in the D-League, why would he shoot any worse now?  Can’t make a 3 you don’t take.  (Weird how the Hornets were killing us with their bigs and then went small.)  30 point swing in the last 10 minutes or so. And they say I can’t coach.  We’re shooting 9-11 from 3 in the Fourth. Now that’s coaching.  If we can just shoot this well every game, no one will be able to beat us.

Beat the Hornets by 10.  Let’s party like it’s 1999 or I’m coaching against Avery.  Nothing as sweet as your nineteenth win.

Per game stats are totally yesterday. Advanced stats are the only thing to use if you really want to sound educated about the game. What we bring you is neither. There’re plenty of good Hornets sites that do that. We bring you inane facts, only marginally “stats,” and as likely to predict results as Voodoo or Bible verses: ticket faces. That’s right. Ticket faces.

In years past, Hornets’ season tickets have featured Hornets’ players, and we’ve used that to karmically prognosticate results, based on the cosmic attunement inherent to each individual. This year, though, with new ticket looks, we’ve expanded our reach. Now, instead of just one indicator of results, we’ve compiled three rotating features and translated them into the future, like speaking to the Fates themselves.

As you can see, Hornets’ season tickets come in either blue, gold, or purple. They also either feature the Fleur-de-Bee, Nola Horn, or Hugo logo. Lastly, they are sponsored by either Capital One, Cox, or 7-Up. Although you’d think that things like player execution, coaching, or whether a butterfly in India flaps its wings would determine the outcome of games, it’s actually the confluence of the not-so-mystical symbols on these ticket faces. True story.

Anywho, to start with, you want a Creole blue ticket. Yup, those are 9-3 this season. Next, you’d want purple tick, at 7-4. But, if you get a Mardi Gras gold face, you’re pushing it at 5-4. If you don’t have season tickets yourself, shame on you. Go get some for next year. But for now, ask around, your neighbor will clue you in to what the game’s ticket face is.

As for logos, the proven winner, at 12-4, is the Fleur-de-Bee. The Nola Horn, at 6-2, ain’t bad either. Just, for the love of Zeus, don’t get Hugo on a ticket; at 3-5, his presence is the single greatest indicator of defeat. Corporate sponsors show just as much difference: Capital One rocks it at 9-2, Cox is a close second at 7-4, while 7-Up is the only other non-winning factor, at 5-5.

Unsurprisingly then, the Blue-Nola Horn-Capital One ticket, with a .774 winning percentage is like the other team kissing your ring. On the other hand, the Gold-Hugo-7-Up ticket, is the kiss of death. What you’re probably wondering, then, is what does this mean for our near future? Like Friday’s game?

Denver is a tough foe, admittedly. But that’s hardly relevant. Here’s what is: a Purple-Fleur-de-Bee-7-Up ticket. It’s a clusterfuck. Seriously. Purple’s good, Fleur-de-Bee is great, but that 7-Up is a killer. On average, the combination is only 15th out of 27 possibilities. Ehh. On the other hand, the numbers still say we will win almost two out of every three such games. That sounds better. I’m going with that. Look for the Bees to upset the Deadwood Nuggets.

[Note from Ticktock6: It is our belief that the Hornets organization's failure to keep ticket statistics directly led to them missing out on the Western Conference Finals 2 years ago. The Mo Pete ticket was the only ticket that year without a winning record, and they put his face on the Spurs Game 7 ticket. A little research and a staggering playoff loss could have been easily avoided.]

Conversations... with D West and Co.

D West: For the love of god, if you lose Anthony Morrow one more time I am going to come over there and kick your ass. I’ma slap you in the face like Dirk.

Pose: But–

D West: Shut up, Pose. Man, what is up with you this month? You give away and-1s like they’re candy. Defensive stopper my ass. And what happened to your three?

Pose: I just hit a three. It was a big one.

D West:  You have made 6 field goals in the last ten games.

Pose: That can’t be true. Total?

D West: Total. Let us not forget how you only played 10 minutes against Memphis and managed to rack up five fouls and lose the game in the last 7 seconds.

Pose: Aren’t you guys over that? It was last week.

D West: No one is over that. Back me up here, Darius.

Songaila: No one is over that.

D West: Marcus?

Marcus: Were yall talking? ‘Cause all this talking is getting in the way of me scoring.

Caption This Pic

By on December 31, 2009

Hornets Hype: Specializing in Awkward Situations Since 2007

Hornets Hype: Specializing in Awkward Situations Since 2007

Oh, you thought I was gonna post about the game? Nah. The Hornets won. ‘Cause they were at home (12-3). It was good times.

Festive, aren't they?

Festive, aren't they?

In lieu of actual Hornets content, I felt I had to share this with you. I didn’t make it. @BringEmOut02 did. But it is indeed great. The Peja elf in particular looks like he really loves being in that outfit…

Click here to enjoy all the holiday goodness.

P.S. I saw what you did there, putting Marcus Thornton elf in with the starters instead of Devin Brown elf…

Great NBA Moments in Bromance

By on November 10, 2009

James Posey: OMG Chris. You know what could make us best friends MORE THAN EVER this season?

Chris Paul: What?

James Posey: MATCHING MOUTH GUARDS!

Great Moments in Bromance & Matching Accessories

Great NBA Moments in Bromance & Matching Accessories

  • ESPN’s Daily Dime – the usual. Except everyone seems to be mentioning that he smacked/kicked/whatever Al Harrington. Hello, that’s probably more a result of Harrington grabbing Chris around the leg than it is indicative of some deep, secret, frustrated desire to be out of New Orleans.
  • At the Hive talks about Byron Scott’s lack of adjustments over the past two years and how this does not bode well for the future.
  • Paul’s Frustration Grows, Even as he Hides It – Hornets are a mom and pop organization, Shinn is a liar for claiming credit for coming back after Katrina (we knew this), maybe Paul should start holding them to higher standards as a franchise player like Kobe and LeBron do.
  • Dime: Chris Paul has lost his smile
  • Frustration, losses mounting for Hornets’ Paul – Ken Berger has been a perennial Shit List resident in the past because of stupid factual errors, but I have to say I agree with him and his column is probably the best of the lot. No, not just ’cause he hit all  my major gripes and agreed with me. Well, maybe a little bit because of that…

“One of the best potential recipients of Paul’s assists, rookie Marcus Thornton, languishes on the bench because Byron Scott wants the team to defend first and score later. At this rate, though, there won’t be a later.

…On one hand, Paul says things will be fine — “It’s a long season,” he said — and in his next breath he laments that the Hornets are a team without a style. That’s code for “team with a stubborn coach.” Scott wants a rugged, defense-obsessed, insanely conditioned team. He wants this all the time, with no exceptions. But if a week goes by, and then a month, and it’s not working, he’ll have to try something else or he will lose the team”

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll come back later and add some commentary, but for now I’m not going to. Peja was on from deep, West and Okafor had 21+ points apiece, and CP had 32. We lost last night because our interior defense and teamwork was horrendously, eye-searingly awful, not because “ha ha the Hornets suck, who’s gonna score for them?” like a lot of the mainstream sources seem to think. It was already bad enough that New Orleans does a poor job of defending the three, but it was infinitely more excusable than allowing junky teams to get layup after layup. 4o points in the 4th quarter to the Knicks? And this is not the Bobby Browns of the team. (Well, it’s that too.) It’s the starting lineup.

Chris Paul wasn’t exchanging words with Tom Thibodeau the other night because he was pissed at Rondo. He was probably trying to smuggle him on the freaking plane.