Hornets Hype

So yesterday afternoon I was joking around that, instead of my regular snarky one-liners on Twitter during the game, I would comment upon Cavs/Magic Game 4 entirely in haiku. Well, this didn’t quite pan out the way I expected, since one of my domains got hit by a spammer from Sweden who generated 150,000 spam comments and caused my entire account, including this blog, to be suspended by my host. If you came here last night, you might have noticed the fact that the site was, you know, missing. Sorry about that. It’s fixed now. But it caused me to be on the phone with tech support and as a result I missed most of the game.

True to my word, though, I hopped on Twitter with around 3 minutes left in the fourth quarter and did live game commentary through the rest of regulation and overtime entirely in haiku. I decided to put all my haikus together, just for fun:

1.
Dougie loves LeBron
but that pesky man named Skip
oh he’s just a friend

2.
Superman at line
strangely strong under pressure
hit one to close out!

3.
Rafer is so clutch
oh wait forget I said that
jack another one

4.
GET THE DAMN REBOUND
IT’S OUT OFF OF DELONTE
lucky break Magic

5.
Not too much time left
live or die by the jumper
time to live or die

6.
Come on Feel the Noise
watcha gonna do Magic
inbound play is key

7.
Swish goes the clutch shot
so this makes Rashard Lewis
King of what Kingdom???

8.
M-FING BULLSHIT
he tripped over his own feet
travesty ends not

9.
“What it comes down to”
“is Cavs are inferior”
“wasting our time” – M

10.
Fatigue a factor?
how bout monstrous ass screwings
by men in gray shirts?

11.
DUNK THAT SHIT DUH-WIGHT
the only way to live now
is fight through this hard!

12.
Holy MF shit
was that shot from in orbit?
make your own fate now

13.
They don’t need no crowns
these Magic know how to make
their own destiny

14.
“I’ll tell you how big”
“that play was,” says Doug– wait Doug
how big was what now?

15.
Clutcheriffic Dwight
tune it out with the music
that plays in your head

16.
Chosen One watches
as a taller star is made
in these late moments

17.
In an apartment
somewhere in corporate land
two puppets are sad

So last night after the Lakers defeated the Nuggets in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals, I fell asleep for like 2 hours. When I woke up, contacts sticking to my eyes, this is the first thing I saw:

Oh, you know, just had this red leather vest lying around the house and thought, "Wouldn't that look sweet with my madras shirt?"

Clearly this was some sleep-induced hallucination. Surely no one would be wacky enough to show up at an NBA press conference dressed as the really tall other half of Starsky and Hutch.

And yet Lamar Odom did. We shouldn’t be surprised. After all, we’re talking about a guy who showed up at a game last year wearing this:

It's a hoodie! It's a suit! It's a Lakesuit!

Like, wait, hold up. Is that…. a Laker colored suit? A Lakesuit? Or is it a hoodie? Or is it… a suit and a hoodie?

Lamar Odom strolled into the Lakers’ locker room some 25 minutes late. Lakers coach Phil Jackson had just finishing addressing the media during his pregame press session when he saw Odom and blurted out:

“Oh, my God,” Jackson said, laughing. “No wonder it took you a long time to get here.”

Jackson laughed at Odom’s outfit he was wearing. It was an all white suit. The sleeves on the coat were purple. The lapels were gold. “Are you in a marching band?” Jackson joked.

It was hard to describe what Odom was wearing. “This is indescribable,” Odom correctly said. “You can’t describe this.”

Pull up a seat, as we take a spin through the fashion world of one Lamar Odom…

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“Myself, I’d trust him to the end of the Earth.”
“Oh yes, and how far’s that?”
“About twelve minutes away. Come on, I need a drink.”
- The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

JR is my hero!

Yep. That went well.

And so here I am writing a recap, of sorts, of a game that tied the record for the worst loss in playoff history. In which we learn that the Hornets as presently constructed are treading water (like, badly, and desparately, the way you do right before you give up and drown), and JR Smith hits a three in my face.

You know, there were moments when I thought they would make a game of it. But I think the run the Hornets gave up right out of halftime when they could have– and should have– cut it to 16 or 18 was when we looked at each other and said it wasn’t their night. The funny thing was that, before everyone left, it was really one of the loudest, most vicious crowds I’ve ever had the pleasure to be a part of in New Orleans. But, you know. Before everyone left.

Well, I had already made up my mind that I was having a good time last night, and the Hornets’ abysmal play wasn’t going to stop me. We slid over and down to the 5th row, left of center court, to enjoy ourselves a little scrub basketball as the way-richer-than-us see it.

I am not sure what came over me. I certainly didn’t care about the score. I was too shellshocked to even think about the game. And you know, if you can’t laugh, what else are you gonna do? So as JR Smith stood, large as life, right in front of me, and threw the ball into the basket for the 53-point lead, I did something I’ve never done before and leaned over the empty seat in front of me and hollered:

“YOU’RE A REAL F***ING HERO, JR!”

Everyone laughed. So I just rolled with it. “SHOOT IT, JR! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! JR FOR THE 55 POINT LEAD! YEAH!” He runs backward down the court,  gives this confused look to the crowd like “WTF girl is yelling at me?”, looks back at the play, looks again.

The Hornets do whatever they do (Oh, hey, I’ve got the play by play right in front of me. Antonio Daniels bad pass, apparently, is what they do), and here ol’ JR is coming back. “SHOOT IT, JR! YEAH, JACK THE THREE! DO IT!” He steps backward over the line, with his back right to us, and drills the three.

Me: “YEAH JR! YOU’RE AWESOME!”

mW: Um, I think he just hit a three in your grill.

Me: Wait, you think he heard me?

mW: We’re the only people here. He heard you.

Me: Seriously? AHAHAHAHA!

Looking at the play by play, I’m pretty sure it’s this stretch I’m talking about:

At one point, he was dribbling out on top of the fleur de bee logo, playing keepaway with Antonio Daniels. “SHOOT IT, JR! SHOOT THE HALF COURT SHOT! JR FROM HALF COURT! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! PLAYER OF THE F***ING GAME RIGHT THERE!”

So I guess this is a note to whoever Denver faces next– get a girl to sit courtside and relentlessly and profanely heckle JR Smith. He will shoot. This may or may not end up working well for your team. But it will be funny.

I don’t want any Denver fans coming in here and saying I’m bitter– if I was that bitter, I would have left. If, in the future, anyone challenges my fan devotion, you all know I am allowed to point to this game and say, “I stayed through the 58 point blowout. I win.” And come on, JR is too easy to pick on. This is a guy who jacked a 3 with 24 seconds left in a 55 point blowout, after all.

I said yesterday that I wasn’t worried anymore. And you know what? It feels kind of weird to admit this, but I had a lot of fun at this game. I certainly got my money’s worth. (And learned that if I could afford to sit in those seats all the time, and there were actual people around me, I would be thrown out.) I think that’s what it’s all about. We can worry about the future of this team after the playoffs. This article, however, is a must-read. If you really want to know how I feel, my answer is, “Everything this guy said.” And to those who want to blow up the team THIS SECOND, remember three, no four, things:

1) The team whose 58-point-blowout-loss record we tied came back and won the next game of the series.

2) I think the Lakers recovered fine from their Finals beatdown.

3) Your lesson is right on the court in front of you. The Nuggets were embarrassed with the whole sweep and “We quit” thing last year. They didn’t trade the entire team. They made one move. One move that was the right move.

4) You’re not the GM. That’s for a reason.

That said…

Hint to the front office: Chris Bosh. Trade everyone you have to to make it happen. No, really, everyone. Extend his contract, fill out the roster with young picks, and watch the fun happen with your two 24-year-old All Stars for the next 3 years. I genuinely like our guys, but… I just want Chris Paul to win a championship for us. Not some other team. Us. That is seriously my #1 concern right now.

Thanks,

Me.

Two teams, fighting it out  (hopefully shirtless) to determine who will become the Hottest Team in the NBA. Several of us predicted the Charlotte/New Orleans finals matchup way back in the first round.  We’re so smart. If you missed the beginning (oh, the photo collages, the snark, the hotties who left us too soon!) you can still check out the Final Four, 3rd round,  Sweet 16 Pt 1 and Pt 2.  And you can review the action that went down in Division 1, Division 2, Division 3, and Division 4 of Round One. There were many hotties. There can be only one champion.

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Undoubtedly, the Hornets look to be headed in the wrong direction, losing 4 out of their last 5 and looking unimpressive in their one win in that stretch.  Moreover, other than what might look like an anomalous win against the Spurs, their last set of wins before that five game stretch? Victories against the Clippers, Kings, Grizzlies, Warriors, T-Wolves, Bucks, Wizards, and Thunder; while in that same time, having lost to the Knicks, Nuggets, Rockets, Bulls, and Hawks.  Not the championship-caliber resume we’ve come to expect from this team, but to be fair, they’ve played most of those games without Peja and Tyson, and several without Posey.  Which is the real team?  The one that we’ve seen on the floor, or the one in our mind’s eye?  We’ll find out starting April 18th.  But I know one thing, they can win tomorrow.

A bittersweet season of ugly victories and Pyrrhic losses, where the rare times we’ve fielded all our starters we’re somewhere in the .667 win percentage, which would put us right behind the Lakers in the standing, but as things stand, we’re desperately clinging onto the sixth seed.  That said, we can still finish anywhere between fourth and eighth.  Significantly, we’ve beaten the Lakers, Spurs, Nuggets, Rockets, Cavs, Magic, Heat, and just about every other team that is expected to contend, other than the Celtics and Hawks.  We know the Hornets can beat the best, but can they do it in a best of seven series?  I think so.  But we need to be more consistent.

The bottom line is, as much heat as Byron is taking right now, I think it comes down to execution. Byron’s gameplan is set and if guys hit shots and rebound, this team can beat anyone.  I said before Friday’s game that I believed the Hornets could run the table to close the season.  I was wrong.  But I think this team will defend home court.  And here’s the stat that militates in their favor: Tyson is on the final game ticket face.  Here are the stats that no one else talks about: the Hornets’ home record, by ticket face star:

• David West: .875 (7-1)
• Tyson Chandler: .857 (6-1)
• Chris Paul: .667 (6-3)
• Byron Scott: .625 (5-3)
• Peja Stojakovic: .375 (3-5)

Considering that David’s ticket face just lost its first game in two years, I wouldn’t want anyone else’s face on this ticket for the Dallas Mavericks game.  Think this is a “fictional” stat?  Not in pro sports, where players are notoriously superstitious.  Consider this, the worst record of any ticket face last year, and the only one with a losing record, Mo Pete (.400, 2-3), was also, coincidentally, on the Game 7 ticket versus San Antonio.  We all know how that turned out.  And Mo Pete is the only one to appear on last year’s tickets not to appear on this years.  I doubt that is a coincidence.

So, maybe, just maybe, this ticket somehow augurs some cosmic sense of causality, and even if it doesn’t decide the fate of our team per se, it might have a knowing read of the preordained outcome of the game and resultant the Western Conference standings.  Or not.  As you can see from the above, Tyson’s mere presence doesn’t guarantee a win, but it puts the odds in our favor.  Believe it.

The more the Hornets lose, I notice the less people want to look at blogs. Well, the more they lose, the more I want to look at hotties!

And then there were four. If you missed the beginning (oh, the photo collages, the snark, the hotties who left us too soon!) you can still check out what happened in the 3rd round, and the Sweet 16 Pt 1 and Pt 2.  And you can review the action that went down in Division 1, Division 2, Division 3, and Division 4 of Round One. There are many hotties. But only two teams can advance. What will they be awarded for making it this far? … A bigger collage! Yup. (I haven’t decided which would be better: expanding with more pics of the same hotties, plus a few who didn’t make the cut, or bringing in the whole back end of the rosters to do a true position-by-position comparison. Then one ugly dude could derail the whole thing. But maybe the stakes are higher in the Finals. I DON’T KNOW. Help me decide!)

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All right, we’re narrowing it down. If you missed the beginning (oh, the photo collages, the snark, the hotties who left us too soon!) you can still check out Sweet 16 Pt 1 right here, and Pt 2 here.  And you can review the action that went down in Division 1, Division 2, Division 3, and Division 4 of Round One. There are many hotties. But only four teams can advance.

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Why? Because I’m your host, and I’m female. Why not?

This is the second half of the Sweet Sixteen. If you missed the first half, you can still vote in it right here. Check here for the rules. And you can review the action that went down in Division 1, Division 2, Division 3, and Division 4 of Round One. Hotness after the jump!

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Why? Because I’m your host, and I’m female. Why not?

All right, we’re into the second round. Which means all the completely unfortunate-looking teams are gone. Well, most of them anyway (yeah, Spurs, I’m looking your way). Check here for the rules. And you can review the action that went down in Division 1, Division 2, Division 3, and Division 4 of Round One. The Sweet Sixteen tips off after the jump. Get your voting on!

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The guys have the NBA Dance Team Bracket. This is for the ladies.

Here’s our third set of first round matchups. Rules are here. You can still vote in Division 1 here, and Division 2 here! Voting is going to stay open until the end of the round (Monday), which is split up into four divisions. Unless votes change dramatically, we haven’t had a single upset yet. Which is weird, considering the seeding is based on record, not hotness. But that’s going to change. Today we’ve got four matchups in the Diaw division.

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