Hornets Hype

…if you haven’t seen it, you should. Technically, it has to do with our foes tonight, the Lakers.

It is all your holiday wishes come true. Believe me. They are wishes you didn’t know you had, but still.

I promise that now your life will be complete.

Merry Christmas and a Happy LakersGame Day!

The rhythm of Mo Pete, the dancing of TC and the lyrical stylings of Mr. Ryan Bowen

So we play the Kings tomorrow night in the Big Easy. Yet, one question that will not be answered by that game is which team has the superior dance squad. Sactown Royalty posts a Youtube Clip of the SKDT’s photo shoot for an upcoming calendar here. On the other hand, the Honeybees new website can be found here. I’ll let you make the call.

You can tell from the stands when teams are happy and everyone is on the same page. You can see it during every timeout huddle, you can see it with how they interact and support each other, and you can see it with the way they carry themselves. So last night at the Phoenix game I studied the Hornets like a marriage counselor. With a PhD. Here are some observations…

Pre-Game

The starters circle up. Chris Paul’s hand touches David West’s butt.

Posey stands by the scorers’ table offering some man loving to Peja and D-West, but they’re having none of it. He gets a taker in CP, and they have a prolonged hug. Oh, Posey. Why won’t you whisper in my ear?

At the end of the bench, Ryan Bowen tells Sean Marks a joke. Marks doesn’t get it.

1st Quarter

11:04 Morris Peterson and Julian Wright leap off the bench in happiness as Peja takes a shot. Interesting. I read on ESPN.com that the Hornets are not happy. Oh, Hornets, you’re so tricky. Fooling me with your fake camaraderie and joy.

8:16 Tyson Chandler dunks. Chris Paul hugs him around the waist. ‘Cause that’s just how tall he is.

5:45 Byron Scott smiles at assistant coach Kenny Gattison.

2:12 David West misses a shot. Chris Paul tells him all the missed long twos in the world can’t stop him from loving him.

2nd Quarter

11:23 David West returns from a bathroom break, towel on his head, to find that Melvin Ely has placed his nachos on D-West’s seat. In a touching moment, Ely, dressed in a plaid suit, offers to share.

9:33 Devin Brown falls under the basket. BUT! Hilton Armstrong helps him up.

8:00 The bench gets yanked for letting up an 8-0 run.

0:58 Rasual Butler smiles goofily.

3rd Quarter

10:49 Mike James is not a cancer on this team. I know this because he is sitting on the bench with his leg touching Mo Pete’s, and you know Mo would not let him do that if he thought he was contagious. He’s just misunderstood.

2:29 Julian Wright sings Hilton Armstrong a song he made up.

0:34 James Posey kicks up his feet, puts his head on Mo Pete’s shoulder, and they watch the Dance Cam together on the jumbotron.

4th Quarter

8:55 David West is sweating. Devin Brown offers to share his headband. It is the ultimate display of sacrifice and camaraderie. Because that is one bald man and that is a lot of sweat.

6:13 Peja and Posey are chatting just outside the huddle. Peja lays a hand on Posey’s chest. Clearly some deep expression of teammateship was just exchanged. I don’t know what it is because I sit in Row 26.

4:44 Hilton Armstrong hands Morris Peterson a cup of Gatorade. Sweetly.

2:18 JuJu tries to sing Chris Paul his song. CP stares past him with the eyes of a predator locked into its prey. That CP, he is just so mean and detached to everyone on court. Even his teammates, who only want to sing to him while CP is obsessing over silly things like closing out games.

1:06 Melvin Ely and Ryan Bowen surreptitiously clink plastic arena beer bottles together under their seats on the bench.

0:21 Byron Scott gives Chris Paul a celebratory butt slap as the Hornets roll 104-91.

This has been breaking news, brought to you by Hornets Hype. It’s breaking ’cause I WAS THERE. I saw it. That’s what makes news news, ya know. Stay tuned, people. To paraphrase a wise literary man, I’ll have grounds more relative than this.

The game’s the thing.

Because sometimes weird people get here by Googling weird stuff.

1. “how tall was Chris Paul in high school” – 6′5″. He shrunk.

2. “ceiling fan repair service” – This one always makes me laugh. Because I totally know why it happens. For those of you who haven’t seen it, here’s Tyson Chandler’s For Love or the Game. Of course his wife wins, because the teammate always says dumb stuff on these things and loses. In this particular video? The highlight is Jannero Pargo saying, with a perfectly straight face, if Tyson wasn’t in the NBA, he’d be a ceiling fan repair man.

3. “Peja’s hot wife” – Yeah. We know.

4.“James Posey girlfriend” – Ladies. We need to talk. Now, James Posey has been known to inspire man-crushes and crushes alike, because of his mad D and clutch 3. However. Do you really want to date this man? Really? Really? Aw, you know I love Posey. But he might… wait for it… be a little sketch.

5. “Hornets to Seattle.” – No.

I save this kind of stuff to take the edge off, you know, after the team blows a first half lead at home to another inferior First rule of Hornets slump: don’t talk about it. But if you’re a glutton for more punishment, or are interested in learning about this stuff, At the Hive breaks down some of last night’s defensive breakdowns with video. Wait… that didn’t sound right. Dammit, now MY GAME IS LAZY TOO. See what you’ve done.

So the official Hornets site is going to be featuring new fan fave James Posey’s thoughts from time to time this season. I thought the first installment was kinda tame, although the accompanying pic is all kinds of awesome. But whatev. The real James Posey is blogging right here on Hornets Hype. Witness a day in the life of Poz…

8:10 AM. Outta bed. Sunny. Good morning, 504!

8:20 AM. Was driving home from the game Saturday night, listening to the postgame show, when this dude calls in and says, “I have a question for you, Joe. I think my girlfriend’s about to leave me for James Posey. He’s just that awesome. Do you have any advice?” I shoulda called in and told him, “Ain’t nothing can be done about that situation.” The ladies love me. I know how to hustle, ya know what I mean? Yeah, you do.

8:50 AM. My young man Juju called. Seems he read some shit about me possibly mentoring him, teach him some long-limbed defensive hustlin goodness. I said, go pick me up some breakfast and I’ll think about it. He asks, Do I want any coffee with that? But I tell him, No, son. Do I look like I need coffee? I wake up amazing. Still, I will instruct this young one in my ways. If it doesn’t go well, I can always kick him out of The Club. I was wearing tall socks when he was still in diapers. So I can always, ya know, hold that over his head.

9:20 AM. Ate bacon and champagne for breakfast.

11:56 PM. You will not believe this shit. This is what goes down in the locker room before practice today.

Me: So on the way here, I helped this old lady cross the street to get to the bus stop. She was real nice.

Chris: No way! That happened to me too. Plus I gave a homeless guy $500 on my way to City Hall to sit in on a meeting with Ray Nagin about the city’s crime problem.

Me: ………

The hell. That goody two-shoes. No one out-Poseys James Posey. Gonna have to watch this one carefully…

12:42 PM. Hit 200 threes in practice. They were all clutch.

2:50 PM. Uploaded pics from Halloween to MySpace. Partied on Bourbon Street with the fellas. I went as me. Self-explanatory.

3:35 PM. Hate off days. No one to dominate. I once went 12 hours without blinking, on an off day. Just because I can.

5:40 PM. Paul texted me. Said he missed my hug before the game last night. Texted him back and told him sorry, you know my hugs cost $5.5 mil a year. That’s just business. Haha. Then decided that was too mean and texted him a smiley. I ain’t running a charity operation here. Just kidding. I’m a good dude. I once stole Kobe’s sandwich, but I put it back.

6:23 PM. Dude on Canal Street asked me where I got my shoes. Beat that scamming motherf@cker up, and then told him, “In yo ass.”

8:45 PM. There was a spider above my TV, up on the wall. Was v. distracting. Stared at it until it burst into a teeny flame, sizzled, and died.

10:05 PM. Took relaxing shower. Sang. No, I won’t tell you what.

11:06 PM. Lake Show better watch out on Weds, is all I’m gonna say. Can’t outhustle a hustler. Been 4 months but they still wake up in the middle of the night, all sweaty, seeing a dark shadow looming over them, lunging for their souls, or maybe a loose ball. That shadow is me.

Our team photo. We're hot.

So a couple of weeks ago, the dudes over at Ball Don’t Lie put up this image as the Endless Grey Ribbon (aka section divider) in the Hornets 2008-09 season preview. Naturally, I was like, “Haha, a billion James Poseys, wait– what?” But on a more serious note, I’m glad they realized the crucial role me ‘n’ Pose are going to play this year. Anyway, after last night’s game against Golden State, I am happy to report that the lineup for this year has been set. Obviously I’m slightly biased, but I think me and 23 James Poseys have the skills to really kick ass this season.

This is how I envision things breaking down:

James Posey will play point guard, center, power forward, small forward, and shooting guard. Naturally, with Pose coming off the bench as sixth man, this squad will have a sweet energy boost that should lift them above the other teams in the formidable Western Conference. The rest of the Poseys will play backup minutes as dictated by the intensity of their play in practice, as judged by head coach James Posey. We are excited to see J-Poz in particular in the role of hard-edged defensive specialist. He will also be the designated pre-game hugger.

Ticktock6 will be the 13th man, the one who jumps up and down, talks smack on the end of the bench while drinking a Red Bull, and sometimes does funny dances. Like Ronny Turiaf but with different hair. Big Game James won’t play much, since he’s on the low end of the depth chart behind Ticktock6, but will be called upon to come in and hit a clutch three once in a while in playoff situations. Fashion-challenged Poseys are encouraged to consult Posey #16 on the topic of accessories, even though he’ll only be getting garbage time. Poseys #17-23 are DNP-CD.

The whole team will wear high socks. At the position of ball boy will be my cat Jolee Bindo, who we expect to do a solid job despite his fear of objects that move.

Aaaaaannd now, for our first ass kicking, me and 23 James Poseys are gonna take care of the dude who wrote this:

The Hornets are a hard-nosed team, make no mistake. But they are also over the edge more often than is said and appear to be given a post-Katrina pity pass that has greatly aided them to suddenly and almost magically vault themselves over teams like the Spurs and the Suns.

And Paul?

The rise of Paul from ill-mannered punk and definitely not clutch college player to saintly professional is a testament to the star-making power of David Stern’s league. Paul is portrayed as an angelic assassin with players and coaches saying they’ve never seen anything like him… Paul is neither a champion nor a true assassin. He is a very talented young point guard with much to prove in the way of temperament and ability to come through in the biggest of games. But sadly he has anointed to PG deity-status by the NBA hype machine that includes ESPN and national NBA writers.

Worshipping false idols can only lead to trouble.

Post-Katrina pity pass? Exactly how many Hornets games did this person watch last year? Plus, what the hell, refs? How could you let the Hornets clutch and grab their way to under .500 records in the two years following a devastating hurricane? That just ain’t right. They could have “magically vaulted” (if by “magic” you mean the fact that all their stars are an average of 8 years older than the Hornets’) over the Suns and Spurs years ago, if you’d just seen the Post-Katrina pity light. But nooo, you had to wait three years, until the Hornets had a bunch of better players and stuff.

And Chris Paul– false idol?? The very words are not fit for this page. Really it feels blasphemous just CTRL-C /CTRL-Ving them. I guess it’s like Kobe syndrome: we’re just going to have to face the CP3 backlash that will inevitably happen. False idol? Oh, if only you had seen what I have seen. He conjured those fishes out of THIN AIR, I tell you. Believe me, we know what we worship. This non-believer claims to be called dwil. I wonder if it’s the real dwil… hmmm.

Whatev. We ball hard. If you aren’t prepared to do that, prepare to be rolled over by teams that do. Period.

23 out of 23 James Poseys agree with this message.

these electronically stored zeroes and ones with the world, which results in words and images slow-loading or snap-loading, depending upon your WWW connection, onto your screen. And all to know that too tall too strong overpaid gladiators will kill lions for another team this year–or in Europe. Enjoy, you animals.

• Someone decided not to let lie the sleeping bear; only instead of roaring, it sniffled, poo-pooed its waker, and whispered that a measly $11.6 million per year, for five of them, would be enough to buy the summer’s most coveted restricted free agent, when the Grizzly has about forty-seven billion under its cap, hasn’t spent anything all summer, and the I-don’t-want-to-be-a-Hawk-and-am-not-cool-with-my-head-coach-player in question’s team had vowed to retain him. Seriously? Were they upset that they didn’t have another Pao Gasol to give away? Perhaps Chris Wallace has Alzheimer’s? News flash: the Hawks giddily matched, dancing their way to the bank, counting all the way the money they don’t have to pay their biggest name.
• Dear God, man, who knew it? Who knew it? Mike James is the next big name in the game of orange balls! Well, he does have the initials MJ. So did Michael Jordan, you know. And Magic Johnson. And, maybe, kind of, the “Chinese Magic Johnson.” Yup. He exists (CMJ, not MJ (James)). A.K.A. Sun Yue. At 1.8288 meters and 96.1615 kilograms (6′9″, 212 lbs. you anachronisms!), he is the archetypal point forward, just like MJ (Earvin). He was drafted by last year’s last losers in 2007 and can be glimpsed this year getting pummeled by other, better teams in the Olympics. And then on the end of L.A.’s bench next to Coby Karl.
• Some people like white chocolate, nothing wrong with that. But it’s dark chocolate that has the health benefits such as, among other things, lower blood pressure. So if the Clippers have done anything right this summer, it’s not throwing wads of cash at White Chocolate and pretending it’s a big move. Jason Williams got his new team, his new deal, but the 32-year-old is a back-up now, and the Clippers’ fans’ blood pressure can rest easier knowing that B-Diddy is their mainstay. And when Dark Chocolate’s knee/ankle/back/[insert injured body part here] goes out, the Clips know they have a starter-quality point guard they can rely on. Albeit, one that causes higher blood pressure.
• By the way, the reason we’re even talking about antioxidant-rich food is because the Clips first choice for their second point guard turned them down. Their former first point guard, Shaun Livingston, was offered a one-year guaranteed contract and said no. Interesting. No one knows if the man can take practice, let alone a full speed game, and he said no. Hmmm. Ask the 76ers second center, Jason Smith, how fragile these things are. He just blew out his ACL without any contact being made in practice. Wonder if his contract’s guaranteed? Then again, even making a pro-rata minimum (like G, Shannon Brown, who just signed with the Bobcats for 1-year and $800,000 following his 2nd season), the amount of which depends upon how long you’ve been in the league, is more than any one person could ever deserve to earn. These capitalist pigs will be the death of us all, I say!
• While we’re on the subject of the Clippers (are we? Damn, how did that happen!?), the other-L.A.-team also made the masterful move of swooping down and gathering in freakishly tall sharpshooter Steve Novak from the Rockets. He’s so valuable, the Rockets received the option of switching second round picks with the Clips in 2011. What?
• The Sky is Falling, The Sky is Falling! some say. It’s all Much Ado about Nothing! others say. Ballers to the Euroleagues is no big deal. Or maybe it is. Unless–they ALL say–you know, we lose someone like “King James”, LBJ, “Video-Game James,” or “The Chosen One.” Then it’s real. Then we’re in trouble. Then Boston and L.A. and the Knickerbockers can finally dispense with the cap to compete globally and buy their championships just like baseball teams. But that won’t happen. It won’t. Unless, those guys in question say, each doing something different around the pool, they pay him $50 mil a year. Or help him become a billionaire. Even MJ (Michael) lost a good $11 mil or so out of his $30 mil a year to taxes. But not if you play for the right team in Europe. Then THEY pay your taxes; what you read in the papers is what you keep (minus what you pay your agent, your publicist, your chef, your housekeeper, and the dozens of other blood-thirsty man-servant leeches). Think it’s crazy? Dime Magazine unearthed some interesting comments from ‘07, where the Lebrons talked about going global. Does it all fit into some masterplan? Think about it. Let’s say you’re a bank teller in Metairie. They pay you $10 an hour for 40 hours a week, 2 breaks a day, and an unpaid lunch. Only you talk to some cat from Greece while on vacation in the mediterranean and learn that their bank tellers make $50 an hour, work 30 hours a week, get several weeks more vacation, and their employers pay their taxes. Could you say you wouldn’t do it? It’s a global world, man. (Postscript: Kobe says he won’t sign an extension until he tests the global market. Read: I’ve won a scoring title, an MVP, and a championship, what do I have left to prove other than that I can get more money than Lebron from Euro teams with no cap?) P.S.S. What’s three inches shorter than me, weighs about twenty pounds less, and will make about 3.5 million more a year than I ever will in the coming year? Earl Boykins. Italian League. Virtus Bologna. [Author shakes his head dejectedly...]
• The floor, the floor, the floor is on fire. So for fuck’s sake go vote in the Floor Burn Tournament and give Ju-Ju his props. Vote! Vote again. Vote from a different computer. Trick the statistical gods with celebratory defiance! Hahaha! The man is only winning by 1449 votes, so get out there and Hype him!
• Meanwhile, in their effort to regain legitimacy, and to fill the gap at PG, the Heat signed former-Nugget, swingman forward, Yakhouba Diawara. He’s over 3 in reverse dog-years and started his career in the French leagues. Whoo.
• And what the hell is wrong with Oklahoma City? Wait. Scratch that. What the hell is wrong with Oklahoma City’s NBA franchise? When internet evidence pointed to their franchise being named the Thunder, they pulled the website. Just pick a fucking name already. No one’s going to care anyway.
• Darko hurt his Achilles playing with the Serbian National Team. Bummer. You gotta feel for a kid that’ so young and has struggled so much on the floor to be what people want him to be. No, not really, the man’s made obscene amounts of money just to disappoint people. We should all be so lucky.
• Toronto Globe and Mail reporter questioning Chris Bosh–Q: “Chris, would you take this opportunity [at the Olympics] to make a political statement?” A: “No.” Q: “Have you been instructed not to?” A: “Yes. It’s a no-win situation these days.” But ITS THOSE CHINESE COMMUNIST PIGS THAT CENSOR US!!! With their damn socialism, equal pay for disparate jobs, healthcare-for-all, government controlled propaganda….oh.
• Scraps to end, Warriors sign G, Anthony Morrow, and Cavs sign G, Tarence Kinsey. ‘Cause, you know, neither had enough players that you’d never heard of.

Just because, I’ll sign off with Kobe’s quote when asked about playing overseas: “I’d probably go,” Bryant said. “Like Milan or something like that, where I grew up … Peace out. Do you know any reasonable person that would turn down 50?” Nuff said.

Just kidding. This is a Hornets site. I leave you with this quote from SI.com:

Though Team USA boasts an eye-popping 49-0 record all-time when Kidd is listed on the roster, blind adherance to the history book is the worst mistake Mike Krzyzewski could make. The sooner Chris Paul takes over primary duties at the point, the better America’s chances to reclaim the gold.

That’s the end. For now.

In which the Hornets have an(other) day of the offseason and Ticktock6, freshly returned to da 504 from foreign parts a.k.a. NYC, takes a look at some of the various search terms that bring folks to our fine site.

1. “how to shoot a free throw like peja” – Dude. If we knew, we’d all be making a cool $12 million a year.

2. “do new orleans hornets not wear the teal jerseys” – Ah. You must have caught a glimpse of the team’s slightly eye-searing gold third jerseys. The Hornets usually wear the teal, but in the playoffs each time they lost, they switched to the other road jersey to mix it up a little and perhaps for superstitious purposes. Hence: Dallas Game 3 = TEAL (L), Dallas Game 4 = GOLD (W), SA Game 3 = GOLD (L), SA Game 4 = TEAL (L), SA Game 6 = GOLD (L). I’ve heard the yet-to-be-revealed new jerseys will not include the gold.

3. “what will eat hornets?” Manu Ginobili’s bald spot?

4. “what color accessories to wear with teal?” Oooh! I am actually qualified to answer this question, being one of the few female NBA bloggers! I would go with silver or white.

5. “hornets that are black white and brown” Whoa, like real ones? Like multicolored stinging bugs? Man, get some pesticide. I guess our Hornets, too, could be described to be black, white, and brown. In, um, varying shades. And with teal over the top. Otherwise they’d be naked.

6. “Charlotte Hornets to Seattle” ….

…

… There are so many things wrong with this I don’t even know where to begin.