I almost had a heart attack.

DEVIN BROWN WHO IS NOT DEVIN BROWN

Now, in addition to being freaked out, I feel like I have to apologize to DJ Strawberry or whoever this is for momentarily thinking he resembles Devin Brown…

Only, not about the Devin Brown part. The Hornets are apparently finalizing a deal that should send him to Chicago for backup big Aaron Gray, who may not be good but at least he’s a seven footer, later today. Despite what you might think of me, I do feel sorta bad for Devin. He played hard, and he played above expectations. Plus, who will I mercilessly hate on? But the future doesn’t wait, and Devin Brown isn’t the future of this team.

Is Marcus Thornton’s first career NBA start a lot closer than we thought? Like, in about six hours?

Devin Brown scores a career high 30 points in the Hornets win at Utah in a wild & desperate bid to make me take him seriously

Where do we go from here, Devin? Where do we go from here?

Let me lay this out there. I get a lot of enjoyment out of my neverending mockery of you. A lot. I know it’s sort of irrational, in a “what did this guy ever do to you?” type of way. And I know that I am all about loving my team, and indeed you are, in fact, on my team. That is a conundrum. But hating you gives me pure amusement, and I think that is rare enough in life that you can understand why I am loath to let something as insignificant as your newly rediscovered ability to play basketball take all the fun away from me. Your name is like a swear word to me, always uttered in its entirety. You are neither “Devin” nor “Brown” to me, but instead some special amalgamation: “wtfdevinbrown.”

Why you, Devin Brown? It’s hard to say. I suspect it probably started when you shot 15% from three last November. I also suspect you are something of a scapegoat. “How come the Hornets sucked so badly last night?” “Because Devin Brown turned the ball over three times.” “Why is it raining and forty degrees outside?” “Probably because Devin Brown is somewhere in the city, lurking.” “Why did the toaster catch on fire and fill the apartment with smoke?” “I blame Devin Brown.” Etc. Oh yeah, and your stupid shoes with the velcro strap that you always leave flapping like a 6th grader who thinks he looks cool? … They suck too. And you look like a ninja turtle (if only DB and Bonzi Wells had been on the team at the same time. The photoshoppings could have been mind-blowing, I tell you. Mind-blowing.)

But there are also real things. Devin Brown is one of those infuriating players who has a great game every … well, honestly, it used to be every 8th or 10th game, but this season it’s been more like every 4th or 5th. And while, sure, I was glad superficially when he contributed something, because, hey, I think the Hornets have enough players dragging down their roster who contribute practically nothing, I also experienced a sinking feeling whenever Devin Brown had a good game. Because I knew deep down inside that it was just justification for Byron Scott to hand Devin Brown more minutes. Minutes that, last year, I thought would be better off given to Mo Pete (one of my favorites) or Julian Wright (youth) and, this year, Marcus Thornton (LIL BUCKETS!!!)

Devin Brown is also infuriating in that, if I compliment him, before I am finished typing the comment (“You know, Devin Brown is act– WHAT. THE. FUCK.”) or have closed my mouth, he has flailed up into the air and thrown the ball away out of bounds or taken a long two after having at least 4 seconds with no defender remotely in the same zip code to stare at his feet. Or charged someone. Or… failed in some other egregious way. (Devin Brown does have a knack for failing quite spectacularly, I have to give him that. You won’t not notice a Devin Brown turnover. Oh no.) On the flip side, if I rag on Devin mercilessly, he usually hits his threes. And the more I hate on him, the better he plays and the more I am incensed.

An actual tweet about Devin Brown.

So, I ask you, what is my motivation for ceasing my sheer irrational hatred of Devin Brown? There is none. The more I hate, the better he is. Do you really want me to stop now? Of course you don’t. And so, in answer to the several people who commented or @ replied me on Twitter and asked if I was going to stop hating on Devin Brown, hell no! It’s like a way of life, okay? You can’t just change it, just like that. Look, I have made hating on Devin Brown into a pastime, nay, an art form. You can’t ask me to give that up because– yeah, yeah, yeah, you scored 30 points. The Hornets won in Utah. The team is .500 for the first time all year. I saw you, Devin.

Just keeeeeeep walking, Leonardo………. Oh, and well played.

Update Again: Nope, it’s on the T-Wolves website now. Brown for Hart.

Updated Update 12:20 PM: Now it’s gone! The plot thickens!

I think, in honor of this deal, whether it goes down officially or not, we should all compile a list of Things Cap Space Will Do Better/Worse Than Devin Brown.

I’ll start. Cap space will turn the ball over fewer times per game. Who wants to go next?

I'm beginning to fear my love for Lil Buckets' game has reached unhealthy levels. Like, really unhealthy...

Did it really happen?

It happened without Chris Paul. It happened without David West having a good game. It happened by dominating the boards. It happened against the team with the best record of this young NBA season. And it happened on national TV.

Oh my gosh, is my Marcus Thornton love veering into inappropriate and all-consuming territory? Ever since he first stepped onto the floor, I just knew this kid could play. In the first four games of the Post-Byron Scott era, the first of his young career in which he’s received non-garbage minutes, Lil Buckets is averaging an efficient 16 pts in 20 minutes. He just has the self-confidence of a kid who believes he’s going to be a player in this league. You can’t coach that. You can’t buy it. It’s something I wish Julian Wright had. In the first half, Buckets was taken down by an Amare Stoudemire flagrant 1. A little while later, he cuts to the basket along the baseline and lays it in, right in front of Amare.

mW: Wait, was that him just popping back up, or did I see swagger?
Ticktock6: That was totally swagger! I love it!

I was all forlorn when he tweaked his ankle late in the game. He was easily going to set himself a new career high (it’s only 20, after all– he’ll surpass that in the next few weeks I bet). He tried to walk it off, but Jeff Bower was having none of it, and called timeout. But, a few minutes later, there’s Lil Buckets jogging out of the locker room. He spent some time bouncing up and down, stretching it out, and clearly wanted to get back in the game. The coaches elected to sit him. But it just confirms what I suspected: Buckets is indestructible. He certainly crashes the boards in the shadows of much larger players like he is. In summary, my love for my pet rookie knows no bounds.

But. Lest Darren Collison feel left out, I will say that I am dazzled by his speed every time he runs the floor. On one fast break, mW turned to me and said, “He looks like he’s just jogging, and yet he beat everyone down the court.” And the Suns are a running team! He’s going to wreak havoc against unsuspecting bench squads when Chris Paul comes back. Believe that. And that driving layup that sealed the game was positively CP-esque.

Emeka’s block on Amare. Eeeek.

Peja for threeeeee… actually, I’m not going to dwell on that, like the national media did. We knew he still could. Him outrebounding everyone on the Hornets and the Suns? Well. All right. That deserves a shout out.

Loved the standing O from the crowd when the Suns called timeout three minutes in. Hornets were up 11-2, and it just goes to show that fans appreciate hustle. And, seriously, the Hornets best closer is not Chris Paul. It is, hands down, “Shout!” on the jumbotron. By my informal count, I am not sure the Hornets have ever gone on to lose after that song is played. “A little bit louder now… Hey-ey-ey-hey!” … Game over.

Earlier this season I began to have a sneaking suspicion that maybe Devin Brown has got some things going for him that go beyond what we see on the floor. Darren Collison in the paper thanking him for helping him out on the floor… he’ll throw out some genuinely intelligent quotes (one time he was the Shirtless Locker Room Interview on Hornets Tonight, a fact which caused me to be extremely put out… except what he said was so not-dumb I couldn’t even find it in myself to hate on it)… last night he was waving his arms pumping up the crowd. The very foundations of my world have been rocked. Devin Brown is shooting from three in a way that some might describe as anti-detrimental. Devin Brown, I have to say, played well last night. But… what would I do without Devin Brown mockery? What is my place in such a lonely, stark, and frightening new world? I feel lost and helpless, like a small sea creature caught up in the whirl of great tides that I cannot fight or understand.

Oh, Devin. Devin.

You believe you can fly, Devin. Fly like a ninja. And who am I to stop you?