Hornets Hype

Hey, I wanna have lunch with Po & Mo. And now I am madly jealous. WWL TV has lunch at Emeril’s with James Posey and Morris Peterson. (Actually, I wanna have lunch at Emeril’s, period, now that I think about it. It would be infinitely better than what I had for lunch today.)

I love random Hornets video.

What’s up, people of the blogs?

It’s been kind of a rough week, hard to be a mercenary killer when you’re not winning, ya know what I mean? So anyhow I wrote y’all some haikus:

Back off of CP
Overrated fools shoving
Purple rolls this time

Gotta shoot lights out
Peja, you need your swag back
Get it on from three

Damn right you know me
I am the Boba Fett of
The Western Conference

All loose balls are mine
No one likes a bullshit call
Technical foul shots

Red dudes rebounding
Da flow just won’t flow tonight
Sad week 4 insects

Advice from a champ:
To be the best you gotta
Live thru this, my friends

P.S. Hells yeah, they are proper haikus. I went to English class sometimes, k? Chick who sat next to me in that class was smokin, ya know what I mean? Uh-huh. You do.

(Read the first installment of the Real Diary of James Posey.)

So the official Hornets site is going to be featuring new fan fave James Posey’s thoughts from time to time this season. I thought the first installment was kinda tame, although the accompanying pic is all kinds of awesome. But whatev. The real James Posey is blogging right here on Hornets Hype. Witness a day in the life of Poz…

8:10 AM. Outta bed. Sunny. Good morning, 504!

8:20 AM. Was driving home from the game Saturday night, listening to the postgame show, when this dude calls in and says, “I have a question for you, Joe. I think my girlfriend’s about to leave me for James Posey. He’s just that awesome. Do you have any advice?” I shoulda called in and told him, “Ain’t nothing can be done about that situation.” The ladies love me. I know how to hustle, ya know what I mean? Yeah, you do.

8:50 AM. My young man Juju called. Seems he read some shit about me possibly mentoring him, teach him some long-limbed defensive hustlin goodness. I said, go pick me up some breakfast and I’ll think about it. He asks, Do I want any coffee with that? But I tell him, No, son. Do I look like I need coffee? I wake up amazing. Still, I will instruct this young one in my ways. If it doesn’t go well, I can always kick him out of The Club. I was wearing tall socks when he was still in diapers. So I can always, ya know, hold that over his head.

9:20 AM. Ate bacon and champagne for breakfast.

11:56 PM. You will not believe this shit. This is what goes down in the locker room before practice today.

Me: So on the way here, I helped this old lady cross the street to get to the bus stop. She was real nice.

Chris: No way! That happened to me too. Plus I gave a homeless guy $500 on my way to City Hall to sit in on a meeting with Ray Nagin about the city’s crime problem.

Me: ………

The hell. That goody two-shoes. No one out-Poseys James Posey. Gonna have to watch this one carefully…

12:42 PM. Hit 200 threes in practice. They were all clutch.

2:50 PM. Uploaded pics from Halloween to MySpace. Partied on Bourbon Street with the fellas. I went as me. Self-explanatory.

3:35 PM. Hate off days. No one to dominate. I once went 12 hours without blinking, on an off day. Just because I can.

5:40 PM. Paul texted me. Said he missed my hug before the game last night. Texted him back and told him sorry, you know my hugs cost $5.5 mil a year. That’s just business. Haha. Then decided that was too mean and texted him a smiley. I ain’t running a charity operation here. Just kidding. I’m a good dude. I once stole Kobe’s sandwich, but I put it back.

6:23 PM. Dude on Canal Street asked me where I got my shoes. Beat that scamming motherf@cker up, and then told him, “In yo ass.”

8:45 PM. There was a spider above my TV, up on the wall. Was v. distracting. Stared at it until it burst into a teeny flame, sizzled, and died.

10:05 PM. Took relaxing shower. Sang. No, I won’t tell you what.

11:06 PM. Lake Show better watch out on Weds, is all I’m gonna say. Can’t outhustle a hustler. Been 4 months but they still wake up in the middle of the night, all sweaty, seeing a dark shadow looming over them, lunging for their souls, or maybe a loose ball. That shadow is me.

The moment we’ve all been waiting for. So maybe you have to special order yellow and turquoise striped mouthguards… That’s all right. I forgive you, Pose. At least you have the proper colors on now. Better 5 4 games in than never! (OK, it has been brought to my attention he wore it on Wednesday, but we were 25 rows up and couldn’t see.)

Hmm, in other notes, stuff on the butt of uniforms must be the new style. Even that Bobcat has a little Charlotte on the ass of his shorts.

They totally cut to our sign on the jumbotron as James Posey shot his free throws after various acts of world domination in the 4th quarter. So the team is 1-0 when we display Posey signage.

The only thing I am disappointed about is that I can’t find any pictures of Varejao’s fro vs. Melvin Ely’s fro.

In other news, the sun came up this morning, trees are green, and Chris Paul and David West were beastly.

mW: Which of the Poseys was that who just dunked? ticktock6: Oh, that was the one who plays the 4. mW: I see.

We thought it was time to bust this out again.

Our man Mo Pete was on a mission last night to prove that, not only can he nail threes, he’s got moves. Come on, Byron, I know he’s not D-West or anything, and I know he’s not gonna always have a game like that, and I know Posey is awesome (we’ll get to that in a sec), but let the man drive more. See how fun that was. Peterson led the Hornets with 21 points. And that one shot he made (the first and-1) was pretty… well, pretty. Mo Pete is the starter that everyone hates on, just because he’s not one of the “Big Four.” Well, guess what. We appreciate your work, Mo! You just keep on doing what you do.

Chris Paul was again routinely statistically great (while, in the paradox that we in New Orleans are lucky to have, not actually looking like he was having a standout game), and Peja was leading the team with 20 pts before he turned his ankle early in the fourth quarter. But the credit for this win really belongs to some guys who are the dark horses of this Hornets team.

The bench scored 15 points in the 4th quarter. I mean, yeah, it consisted of James Posey and Rasual Butler trading dagger-to-the-heart threes, but still. That’s something it would be great to have, just in case it’s needed. And it was needed. Tyson Chandler didn’t play, and the team looked sort of lost in the first part of the 4th quarter after Peja went down. The Suns had chipped away at what was at one point a 16 point lead. Then Posey opened up the 3-fest, and it was just a catalyst moment. Rasual Butler… I thought he was a waste of space last year when Byron Scott kept giving him chance after chance and he put up cringe-worthy missed threes. But it’s heart-warming and redemptive and cool and all those things to see him looking this good early, mostly because he’s tall enough to cause problems for other teams as well as shoot. At this point I have to recognize that nasty block he had late in the game.

So, that leaves James Posey. Everyone else is saying they have a man crush. But I’m a girl. So I guess I just have flat-out lust for #41’s mad clutch skills. Go team. I loved Posey’s interview with Craig Sager, by the way. “It was a business decision.” Which is athlete code for, “I came for the money.” So basically you’re saying you’re a cold-hearted mercenary killer………………. I have approximately zero problem with that.

BACK ROW SIGNAGE: It’s been suggested by a bunch of people that our opening night sign be something Posey-related. So if you can figure out a way to say something clever about NOLA welcoming Posey without actually using too many words, please leave a suggestion in the comments. I’m gonna get busy with the paint this afternoon (um, please do not be picturing anything too creepy here).

Our team photo. We're hot.

So a couple of weeks ago, the dudes over at Ball Don’t Lie put up this image as the Endless Grey Ribbon (aka section divider) in the Hornets 2008-09 season preview. Naturally, I was like, “Haha, a billion James Poseys, wait– what?” But on a more serious note, I’m glad they realized the crucial role me ‘n’ Pose are going to play this year. Anyway, after last night’s game against Golden State, I am happy to report that the lineup for this year has been set. Obviously I’m slightly biased, but I think me and 23 James Poseys have the skills to really kick ass this season.

This is how I envision things breaking down:

James Posey will play point guard, center, power forward, small forward, and shooting guard. Naturally, with Pose coming off the bench as sixth man, this squad will have a sweet energy boost that should lift them above the other teams in the formidable Western Conference. The rest of the Poseys will play backup minutes as dictated by the intensity of their play in practice, as judged by head coach James Posey. We are excited to see J-Poz in particular in the role of hard-edged defensive specialist. He will also be the designated pre-game hugger.

Ticktock6 will be the 13th man, the one who jumps up and down, talks smack on the end of the bench while drinking a Red Bull, and sometimes does funny dances. Like Ronny Turiaf but with different hair. Big Game James won’t play much, since he’s on the low end of the depth chart behind Ticktock6, but will be called upon to come in and hit a clutch three once in a while in playoff situations. Fashion-challenged Poseys are encouraged to consult Posey #16 on the topic of accessories, even though he’ll only be getting garbage time. Poseys #17-23 are DNP-CD.

The whole team will wear high socks. At the position of ball boy will be my cat Jolee Bindo, who we expect to do a solid job despite his fear of objects that move.

Aaaaaannd now, for our first ass kicking, me and 23 James Poseys are gonna take care of the dude who wrote this:

The Hornets are a hard-nosed team, make no mistake. But they are also over the edge more often than is said and appear to be given a post-Katrina pity pass that has greatly aided them to suddenly and almost magically vault themselves over teams like the Spurs and the Suns.

And Paul?

The rise of Paul from ill-mannered punk and definitely not clutch college player to saintly professional is a testament to the star-making power of David Stern’s league. Paul is portrayed as an angelic assassin with players and coaches saying they’ve never seen anything like him… Paul is neither a champion nor a true assassin. He is a very talented young point guard with much to prove in the way of temperament and ability to come through in the biggest of games. But sadly he has anointed to PG deity-status by the NBA hype machine that includes ESPN and national NBA writers.

Worshipping false idols can only lead to trouble.

Post-Katrina pity pass? Exactly how many Hornets games did this person watch last year? Plus, what the hell, refs? How could you let the Hornets clutch and grab their way to under .500 records in the two years following a devastating hurricane? That just ain’t right. They could have “magically vaulted” (if by “magic” you mean the fact that all their stars are an average of 8 years older than the Hornets’) over the Suns and Spurs years ago, if you’d just seen the Post-Katrina pity light. But nooo, you had to wait three years, until the Hornets had a bunch of better players and stuff.

And Chris Paul– false idol?? The very words are not fit for this page. Really it feels blasphemous just CTRL-C /CTRL-Ving them. I guess it’s like Kobe syndrome: we’re just going to have to face the CP3 backlash that will inevitably happen. False idol? Oh, if only you had seen what I have seen. He conjured those fishes out of THIN AIR, I tell you. Believe me, we know what we worship. This non-believer claims to be called dwil. I wonder if it’s the real dwil… hmmm.

Whatev. We ball hard. If you aren’t prepared to do that, prepare to be rolled over by teams that do. Period.

23 out of 23 James Poseys agree with this message.