Hornets Hype

One of the reasons we started this blog was to launch an all-out assault on ignorant and ill-informed media. One of the historically problematic culprits: our local paper, the Times Picayune.  (Though, admittedly, they have improved much over the years.)  In particular, one of those esteemed beat  writers is always on our Shit List: John DeShazier. If anyone ever mastered the “Our team played great but sucked doing it and I’ll tell you how and why they suck,” J.D. has.   His article in today’s paper?   TT6 and can’t find it online.   As far as I’m concerned, they pulled it, knowing the Hype would rip it apart.  Score one for the Bush Doctrine and us.  Too bad for the Times Pic, I’m going to talk about it anyway.

The article focuses on new owner Gary Chouest embarking on his interview road trip with team president, Hugh Weber, and general manager, Jeff Bower, looking for a new Hornets head coach; and assumes Chouest is monitoring and assessing Weber and Bower at the same time. Of course, Johnny cites no sources, no authorities for this information, and his story is 100% speculation.   Okay.  Fine.  He’s an “editorial” writer.  Fair enough. But I know what you’re saying, how can I verify what he said if it’s not online?   Well, here it is, in black and white.  Look to the right.  I’m just going to focus on his most absurd points.   For example, DeShazier argues that Bower has more non-playoff appearances since becoming GM in 2005 than playoff appearances (3-2).  Neglecting to mention that Bower took over after the team was thrust into the much tougher Western Conference and blown up; also not mentioning that he built a winner from nothing.  DeShazier also points out that Bower’s teams have declined in victory totals the last three years.  Neglecting to mention that the place from which the Hornets were descending was the best Hornets regular season record ever.  Or that two of those three years were the team’s best, by far, since moving to the Western Conference.  Okay, but this is all really small fries, nit-picking a fellow journalist, who, as you all know, is already on our bad side.  But then he makes the mistake which no doubt got his article pulled from Nola.com.  Some of you may have already skimmed ahead and ruined the surprise.

DeShazier writes: “and just two draft picks – Chris Paul in 2005 and Darren Collison in 2009 – can be considered successes.”  Well, certainly they were successes.  But, I don’t know, maybe there was a guy drafted last year by Bower called MARCUS THORNTON.  Listen folks, Thornton broke the Hornets rookie records for most points in a game, most points off the bench in a game, most 3s in a season, most combined rookie points in a season (with Collison), and most points in a single quarter.  Oh yeah, he also holds the non-rookie Hornets’ records for most points off the bench and most points in a quarter.   He also made the Second All-NBA Rookie team, and by most accounts, was the best 2-guard out of this year’s rookies.  So if you’re John DeShazier, wake up this morning and give yourself a nice hard facepalm.  Because you deserve it.

As to Marcus Thornton, on behalf of New Orleans, we apologize for all the haters and idiots.  We’ll be back next year, cheering you, hyping you, and watching you help this team back to the Playoffs.

Last time I checked, Mardi Gras was over yesterday. And yet… and yet… I could not believe my eyes when, at the Hornets/Jazz game last night, I looked up and beheld the Cousin of Chucky, with its slightly less terrifying friends the King and the Jester, lining up for its nightly scooter race. When will the terror end, people? WHEN WILL IT END?

Look at its FACE. You cannot tell me it doesn't mean me harm. I won't believe you.

It’s not just that, deep within my soul, I am afraid of this diabolical creature. I now suspect the Baby is causing us to lose. I think (I could be slightly off on this, but hold on, because the stats are still going to bear me out whether I’m off one or two games or not) the Baby made its first appearance in the Clippers home game on January 13th..

Prior to that, the Hornets had an impressive 14-3 home record, enough to rival top teams in the conference and especially impressive considering they were an under .500 team. Since then? SINCE THEN? 3-6. Oh, Chris Paul is out? I call B.S. Chris Paul was out in late November/early December when the Hornets were winning all those home games. Oh, the schedule is stronger? I call B.S. again. The Hornets have recently lost to the likes of the Bulls and the Sixers at home. They even at one point had lost four in a row, something that hasn’t happened all season.

I hope that little boy was still in possession of his soul when the baby was finished with him... No, seriously, I'm really worried about him. This pic gets bonus points for how friggin EVIL the Jester looks. I hadn't noticed it before because I was focused on the baby but wow.

Here it is on a scooter

Thanks to reader Robbie, who emailed me pics, we now have more photographic evidence of the Baby’s existence. Serious props to him. Photographing the Mardi Gras Baby is akin to catching the Sasquatch on film. Actually, I’m surprised it even shows up on camera…

The Mardi Gras baby creeps me right out. Here, a rare photo of the elusive creature in the wild. Any small children sitting in the vicinity of the courtside seats, I am sure, shrieked in terror at the sight of it.

I’m sure those of you on Twitter have heard me talk about the crazy life size Mardi Gras baby that’s been appearing in one of the Hornets’ timeout “entertainments” during carnival season. Well, last night I put the call out on the Twitterator for someone to send me a picture of it, and here it is.

This description of the phenomenon is from Toney Blare’s SLAM Online recap of the Spurs/Hornets game a couple of weeks ago:

During a break, there appear in the crowd three mascots, each with a large plastic head: a king, a baby, and a jester. We are within breathing room of Mardi Gras, when you eat King Cake, sort of like a super-sugary circle of cinnamon roll. Inside each cake is a small plastic baby, and whoever finds it buys the next cake. Let me say, it gets out of hand in offices all over town for upwards of a month. Now, I’m telling you all of this because I can’t imagine what the Spurs must think. The three mascots “race” down to the court, the baby looking especially ghoulish and slow. They circle through some yellow cones, with the King winning by crossing a purple finish line held by Hugo the Hornet and the Geico Gecko. I didn’t mention him until the end, because he really was the most innocuous of these newcomers. That baby actually scared me, like the clown from IT or some sh*t.

I am not gonna lie, this thing freaks me right out. Maybe it’s because I am also irrationally terrified of the creepy Burger King that lurks around women’s windows in the commercials like a plastic-headed peeping tom. This baby looks way too similar to that for me to be comfortable with it. Maybe it’s like how some people have a fear of clowns. Either way, you better believe that my uneasy truce with the Mardi Gras baby is SOLELY due to the fact that I sit in the last row of the lower bowl, far enough from the court to feel fairly safe from it coming after me.

The baby always loses the race, by the way.

This CP3 Mardi Gras bobblehead NEEDS to be in my life. Seriously. It’s not optional. They’re giving away 10,000 on Feb. 5 against the Sixers.

I am even going to bust out the rarely used “Dead Sexy” mood, just for this. Because this bobblehead is dead sexy.

CP3 Mardi Gras Bobblehead

This is just a heads up for those who don’t know: Hornets.com is giving away a set of season tickets for the rest of the year. You have 24 hours to enter, which means until noon tomorrow (Thursday, 12/10). Hey, it’s worth a shot!

We’ve already got ‘em but I thought I’d get the word out, in case anyone who reads the site wants to enter. You know how I feel about things that are free…

Your annual look at the Hornets promotional calendar, hitting all the highlights (ie: the days that things are given to you for free). So if you’re still looking at which games you might want to attend, mark down these days.

Oh, and just FYI, I am excluding the games where the giveaway is Thunderstix. No particular reason, other than that I personally think they suck:

• 10/17 preseason vs. Pacers– Hornets schedule magnets (everyone)
• 10/30 home opener vs. Warriors– Opening Night t-shirts (everyone)
• 11/6 vs. Raptors– Hornets jersey keychains (first 10,000)
• 11/17 vs. Clippers– Go Green bag (first 10,000)
• 12/4 vs. Timberwolves– Emeka Okafor bobblehead (first 10,000)
• 12/16 vs. Pistons– Honeybee posters (first 10,000)
• 12/23 vs. Warriors– Hornets Christmas ornament (first 8,000)
• 12/30 vs. Heat– “BEE a Designated Driver” T-Shirts… ho ho what a great pun (first 8,000)
• 1/2 vs. Rockets– Mardi Gras mini-basketball (first 4,000 kids)
• 1/8 vs. Nets– Elvis Night. No giveaway listed, it just made me snicker.
• 1/29 vs. Bulls– Mardi Gras youth arm sleeve (first 4,000 kids)
• 2/5 vs. Sixers– Chris Paul Mardi Gras bobblehead. I must own this. (first 10,000)
• 2/10 vs. Celtics– Mardi Gras beads (first 10,000)
• 2/21 vs. Rockets– Mardi Gras youth jerseys (first 4,000 kids)
• 3/22 vs. Mavs– Hornets team poster (first 10,000)
• 4/9 vs. Jazz– Mardi Gras youth shorts (first 4,000 kids– hell, these kids are gonna have a whole freakin Mardi Gras outfit by the time this season is over)

The folks over at Right Guard, in the interest of promoting their CP+3 Sweepstakes, let me know that they are providing us with a signed Chris Paul away jersey, which we are going to give away to a lucky winner of our choice.

What You Have to Do: This is a two-parter.

1) Become a fan of the official Right Guard page on Facebook (I can only assume they will check, people, so be honest!)

2) Post your best Chris Paul “fact.” What do I mean by this? OK, you know all those wacky Chuck Norris facts people like to make up? See here for reference. That’s what I want: your very best fact about the superpowers of Chris Paul. For example, “Chris Paul doesn’t sleep. He waits.” Or, “When Chris Paul touches fire, he doesn’t get burned. The fire gets Chris Pauled.” Only you can’t expect to win by stealing one everyone’s heard and changing the name to Chris Paul. Be creative. Whichever one makes me spit my beverage out on my keyboard wins.

What You Get: An autographed, authentic Chris Paul away jersey in a fabulous shade of creole blue turquoise.

When It Ends: Sunday. At noon.

Q: Aren’t Hornets 247, At the Hive, and Hoops Addict running a similar contest?

A: Why, yes. Yes they are. Is it cheating if you enter all three? Meh, whatever. Hornets Hype says triple the entries, triple your chances of winning, triple the fun! You could also enter the Official Sweepstakes, which gets you and two friends a chance to play ball with CP3. You’d be rolling in riches then, I tell you. Rolling.

** By entering the sweepstakes you agree to release Sponsor, the NBA Entities, Hornets Hype and their respective affiliates and agencies from any and all liabilities for injuries, damages or losses of any kind to in connection with the sweepstakes, prize or any prize-related activity.

This is the last thing fire saw bearing down it before it was Chris Pauled.

The following page appeared in this weekend’s Hornets game programs. Hehe… All I’m saying is, picture of Brandon Roy… Ladies Night… Brandon Roy…

You know what I’m saying. Uh huh. That is some smart marketing. See, they’re always thinking like that. Smart.

Now, BRoy, don’t go thinking you’re going to confuse me with your muscular shoulders and your superclutch shots and your whizzing through the lane all talented and All-Star like. It’s not like you came here just for me or anything. You came to beat my team. And we quite simply can’t have that.

So I know Chris Paul had a triple double and 7 steals, but that totally happened last week too, so I hope you don’t mind if I skip it.

The Hornets had a 69-63 lead after the third quarter. Then, to open the fourth, Peja hit a three. Yes, yes, whatever. Then he came down and hit another one. Okay. He proceeded to score 15 straight points on five straight threes. When I say straight points, I mean, he scored all the teams’ points. This occurred on six possessions. A dramatization: “Pejjjjjjaaaaa for threeeeeee!” [something happens on Sixers' end] “Ppppppejaaaaa for threeeee!” [a Sixer probably misses a free throw-- this is just a dramatization but they missed a lot, so why not?] “Pppejjaaaaa! For threeeeeeeeeeee!” [Hornets get rebound, crowd thinks, 'Oh come on, that's just cold, I'm cringing, you don't have to--] “Peja for three!” [Oh, fuck it.]

So here’s the crazy part. He hit all five from THE EXACT SAME SPOT ON THE FLOOR. Now, you might say I am exaggerating. Okay, fine. You might be right. The last one was slightly to the left. Check out the shot chart. He even got a nice little swagger dance going toward the end, and good-naturedly laughed off the sixth three that was called off because of the shot clock… but not before the arena had absolutely exploded.

A HornetsHype conversation (TM)

TT6: (reading recap) The Hornets are 23-7 when Peja scores double digits, but only 4-7 when he doesn’t.

mW: (snort) Yeah, and they’re 11-1 when I scratch my nose in the third quarter.

TT6: But they’re 7-2 when I wear my Posey jersey. [Note: This is a fact. And! Now they're 1-0 when Hilton Armstrong wears tall socks. SOMETIMES STATS HAVE MEANING. SEE?]

And one final note… who was watching at the very end of the game? Am I imagining this, or did Andre Miller intentionally foul Rasual Butler so everyone could get free Popeyes? He’s officially my new NBA hero. No, seriously. Here’s the situation: the Hornets have 99 points and a double digit lead, and the crowd is yelling. Whatever, we’re kind of new to the “Free fast food if they score 100 points” thing, because they didn’t have it before this season. And double whatever, because I was not aware before this season that Popeyes even had a chicken wrap to get a free one of… I mean, frankly, that’s a little healthier than what I want when I head to Popeyes, ya know what I’m saying? I want like a twelve piece spicy box with biscuits and Cajun rice… But I digress.

So Chris Paul gets a rebound with 24 seconds left in the fourth quarter, which gives him the triple double. Everyone cheers, but he heads up the court and decides to do the polite thing and dribble it out. Then, with 2.2 seconds left, Rasual Butler is half-assedly dribbling over near the Sixers bench, and Andre Miller reaches out and half-assedly hacks him across the wrist. They close up on him, and he’s laughing. Sual hits the free throws. HAHA!

I just gotta conclude that Andre Miller knows about Popeyes. He knows.

Guys. This is actually really cool. Last year when we got Tyson Chandler bobbleheads, I complained about how it couldn’t really look like Tyson because it had no tats. I mean, that’s pretty lame. If they can get Chris Paul’s two-colored bracelets right, you’d think they can at least stamp some ink on it.

I can see it if the guy has one tattoo, but when even the Allen Iverson bobblehead is pristinely inkless, it just becomes weird. Whatever. You can’t tell me that’s AI. It’s like Iverson’s preppy clone. If it’s acceptable that Iverson the person has tattoos, how come it’s not acceptable for Iverson the bobblehead doll to have them? I THINK THE CHILDREN HAVE EYES. Like, the secret’s out of the bag. The impressionable youth already <gasp> know he has them.

But check out the David West bobblehead we got on Monday. DX wouldn’t be DX without, well, the X? Would he? I didn’t think so. Amazingly, the bobblehead makers agreed, as you can see from the photo–

… HA. Yeah right. The bobblehead makers are corporate whores. But luckily, your friend TT6 likes small (and we are talking really, really small) art projects. I only did five out of the seven (um, unless he’s got some under the uniform we don’t know about, obviously), but I think I managed to create the desired effect. You shoulda seen how sweet the tat under the X looked before I accidentally stuck my finger on it and smudged it…