Hornets Hype

Dear Sean Marks and Devin Brown,

OK. You got my attention.

Devin Brown. You, who some nights resemble nothing so much as the barreling and flailing personification of an offensive foul waiting to happen. You, who stole my beloved Mo Pete’s minutes in December. You, of the .150 three point shooting percentage. (I wonder how many nights like the Dallas game and last night you have to have to mathematically overcome 15% shooting? Even today it’s still sitting at .224.) I admit it: I laughed my ass off when mW turned to me in the third quarter and said, deadpan, “The alien who replaced Devin Brown is good.” All right? I admit it. While I’m in a confessional mood, I guess I should also admit that I yelled, “No!!” out loud when you took your third three… it went in. Just like the other two. Devin Brown hitting 6 of 7 shots, 3 for 3 from downtown?

I guess that makes me wrong. Well, it makes me wrong last night.

Where do we go from here, Devin Brown? That’s what I want to know.

I dunno. That was some pretty good shooting, I type as I grit my teeth. It really was. Maybe you should think about settling down, getting an apartment, and ending your capricious vagabond ways. Or, you know, don’t. Live in a hotel the rest of the year for all I care. I’ve given up trying to predict what you’ll do.

Sean Marks, Sean Marks.

I will be the first to say that I didn’t get what Byron Scott saw in you. Like, you are a backup backup big man off the bench. Period. We don’t have a lot of them. How come you shot so many long jumpers? Just ’cause you hit a three in your first floor time with the Hornets doesn’t mean we should make a habit of these things, right? Really all you have to do to help the team is be 6-10 and stand in the right spot. And oh lord, for the past month or so, the Sean Marks Experiment has not looked like it was working out.

And then at Minnesota you hit like every shot you took. Okay. I was wary. I defended you when the crowd unfairly booed you last week, but I was wary just the same. And then there was last night.

Sean Marks getting nasty athletic Block of the Night blocks, followed by a swaggering staredown? Well, all right then. It was like someone whispered in his ear that he didn’t have to turn himself into David West. He didn’t have to take every open 17-foot jump shot that came along. (I wept tears of joy last night when, just beyond the paint, Marks found himself with a long rebound. He held tight to it, froze… I held my breath and got ready to cringe… and then pivoted and whipped a pass to Peja in the corner, who promptly sank one.) Mr. Marks, you had a great night under the basket. It was probably your best game as a Hornet.

Whatever, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Marks. I’m onto you now.

Aw, you know I’m kidding, right? You know I love my team.

P.S. I have some messages to pass on to the rest of the dudes, if that’s OK. Tell Chris no one blames him for not being superhuman every night. Tell Hilton we’re proud of him. Tell AD he’s the best cheerleader we’ve ever seen and we’re 100% happy to have him with us. Tell Peja thanks for being rock solid in these dark times, and Mo that we hope his foot gets better soon. Oh, and tell Pose that if you’re cracking up while running up the court after missing your fifth three pointer of the game, taking that sixth one is probably not such a hot idea.

You know what else makes children cry? Chris Paul not getting to start the All Star Game.

Let me repeat that, in all caps, in case you didn’t get it the first time. CHRIS PAUL MIGHT NOT START THE NBA ALL-STAR GAME.

Yes, we are talking about the man who is widely regarded as the best point guard in the game and the future of the point guard position. At the moment, in the vote count for guards in the Western Conference, Chris Paul is in third place, trailing Kobe Bryant (1 million and whatever) and Tracy McGrady (746,098).

I’m just going to cut to the chase here. I hope no one minds. And here is the message I’ve come to you here today to deliver: If you voted for Tracy McGrady, you are a douchebag. I don’t care what country you are from. You’re still douchebags. Let’s just skip the PC bullshit and say it: This is China’s fault. And we all know it. Clearly there is no other explanation for 762,162 people thinking Yi Jianlian is better than Chris Bosh, Paul Pierce, and Danny Granger. Or how about the 211,017 people who think that Rafer Alston (Houston!) is better than Brandon Roy?

09p823pohifglskjhfiug137`p20592y5ilafkhslk…. ggggg… rr. bl

Oh, excuse me. I spontaneously died on my keyboard while typing the previous sentence. You know how I feel about Brandon Roy.

Come on, China. What happened to loving the game of basketball? What happened to a sincere appreciation for the sport and those who excel at it? Chris Paul even visited your country this summer! And I bet he was nice to people while he was there. Because that is the kind of person he is. Well, you know what? Tracy McGrady wasn’t nice to the place where I live. As a matter of fact, he was outright goddamn ignorant. Maybe you should all stop for a minute and think about that.

Or don’t. Stop instead and think about the numbers.

Chris Paul

• leads the NBA in assists (11.3)
• leads the NBA in steals (3.0)
• 20.1 ppg
• 5.2 rebounds, which is hard to do when you are LESS THAN SIX FEET TALL
• widely regarded as the best point guard in the league and one of the top 4-5 players
• team is currently 18-9

Tracy McGrady

• leads the NBA in nothing
• leads his team in nothing
• 15.9 ppg, 4.7 apg, 4.8 rpg (despite having 8 inches on, well hello, what a coincidence… Chris Paul)
• widely regarded as an aging supertalented player who gets injured all the time and has never won a playoff series
• team is currently 20-11
• has only played in 23 of those games because of injury

If those stats weren’t enough for you, consider the following summary of what happened during the final 3:35 of the fourth quarter in tonight’s game against the Indiana Pacers, as brought to you by our friends At the Hive:

• 3:35 Chris Paul makes driving lay up
• 3:11 Chris Paul makes 11 foot jumper
• 2:42 Chris Paul makes driving lay up
• 2:42 Chris Paul makes free throw
• 2:23 Chris Paul steals ball
• 1:45 Chris Paul makes jumper
• 0:30 Chris Paul makes 15 foot jumper
• 0:02 Chris Paul assists on David West’s 17 foot jumper (Hornets win 105-103)

11 points in three minutes to utterly decimate the Pacers’ souls and take over the game, and this man is not an All Star starter.

Do you require more analysis? No. You don’t. I am telling you you don’t. The statistics say you don’t. Common sense says you don’t. OK, forget about Chris Paul for a second. Yes, really. Let’s just forget about the stats I just cited and pause for a moment… and think about the fact that, the way the All Star balloting is set up (it’s stupid, you know it’s stupid, I know it’s stupid, but we must operate with concise guerilla voting tactics within the confines of its stupidity here), if voting ended today, the West would start Kobe Bryant and Tracy McGrady. The West– home to the likes of Chris Paul, Deron Williams, Steve Nash, and Jason Kidd– would not start a point guard. That is just disgraceful. It’s a travesty. It’s a joke.

What is the logical conclusion to be drawn here? If you are one of the 746,098 people who voted for Tracy McGrady, then you can give yourself an extra special pat on your own back, because you, my friend, are a douchebag. Douche. Bag. If you think you can live with that, fine. But just remember… at the end of the day, a douchebag doesn’t have a brain. It’s just a somewhat archaic feminine hygiene product.

So if you are reading this post thinking, “Wow, did this person just imply that the citizens of an entire nation are douchebags?” then you have it right. Yes. Yes, I did. I want us to be perfectly clear on that point. And I didn’t imply it. I flat out said it. (OK, you got me. Obviously they can’t all be douchebags, since there are way more than 700K people in China. But these voters are.)

What can we all do about it? I don’t know. How do you compete with a nation of All Star-voting douchebags, when that nation is bigger than America? That is a question I am not sure how to answer. And as a small-market team, it’s already hard enough to compete with the douchebags in larger American cities with crappier players than CP. (And don’t think you’re off the hook, America. The 200,000 people who voted for Gilbert Arenas, despite the fact that he hasn’t played a minute all year? You douchebags deserve a special shout out.) But there’s one thing I know how to do. And that is check the friggin’ checky box. Check it next to CHRIS. PAUL. I urge you all to do the same. Don’t do it for me. Do it for the sport of basketball.

And so we’re not all really, really embarrassed come the All Star break.

THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE. BROUGHT TO YOU BY HORNETSHYPE.COM. THANK YOU FOR READING. AND HAVING A BRAIN.

Seriously. No questions. Or I will have to kill people.

Ho, ho, ho, and all that holiday whatever.  It’s snowy in NY and 29 Farentheit, unlike Nola, where it’s a cloudy 20 Celcius.  Although I am a natural devil’s advocate, who springs into optimism when confronted with waves of doubt, and a cynic when everyone else is on cloud nine (where does that saying come from anyway, what is “cloud nine”?), the internet has fallen silent like it was the night before Xmas, so I’ll just reflect on a Black Friday Redux abbreviated and not-really-at-all-daily version of our S#*t List here and now:

1. “REVENGE”: the dumbest question slash lazy media phrase of the week.  Did the Hornets get “revenge” this week on the Spurs for last year’s Game 7 loss?  We quickly all said no.  Stupid question, move on.  Nonetheless several media outlets have dubbed the Lakers’ beating of the Celts as “revenge” for their loss in the NBA finals.  Listen.  Do you people know what the word revenge means?  If the Lakers beat the Celts 20 times this season, the Celts would laugh after every loss and wear their rings to the post-game show.  Got it?  No victory, or set of victories, short of beating the Celts in the Finals will be revenge.  Same for the Hornets.  If we knock the Spurs out of the Playoffs this year, on the road, in Game 7.  Now that’s revenge.  Use a dictionary people.
2. LEBRON’S CHALK: let me say for the 587th time, you stole it from Kevin Garnett.  So it’s not yours.  Why not pretend you invented dunks too?  Oh, and thanks for that commercial that airs every twenty seconds.  Only the sweet bass funk running through that ad spares it from the wrath of the almighty.  [EDIT: as I went to save this post and get more coffee before coming back to finish, that stupid music was running through my head, Damn you Lebron!)  But even all that’s not enough to get the chalk on this list.  Nope.  Someone would have to, say, hand out white confetti to everyone in attendance at the game you premiere your new Nike shoe (“Chalk”, I kid not), and have them all throw it down pre-game while you throw up your chalk.  Oh wait, you did that yesterday?  What a whore.  Let me say it again.  Lebron is a whore.  I don’t care if his team went nuts in the last minute to win that game.  It was the Wizards.  Even Mike James looks good on that team.  The other James’ focus should have been on his team.  On the rings.  Not his self.  Not his Nike promotions.  Call me old-fashioned.
3. PANICKY FANS: yes, I love you all my fellow Hornets’ fans.  But calm the fuck down.  We’re barely a quarter of the way through the season.  We’re injured.  How many of our games have we been missing a starter or two?  A lot.  Of course these guys are off rhythm.  We made the move that shored up our second unit in Daniels, only now he’s out.  I still say our starting five (when healthy) is one of the best in the League.  Posey?  One of the best sixth men in the League.  And that still leaves Butler and Wright, two very talented guys on both ends of the floor.  There’s a reason that Lakers and Spurs fans don’t usually demand trades quite as often as fans like us.  They know it’s a marathon, not a sprint.  We just have to keep working and gelling and making everything click.  Because we’ve seen what this team can do against good teams, not just losers.  While Pargo and Wells brought their own kind of special to this team last year, I refuse to believe that the difference between us last year and this is them, and that we’re worse now.  Bower’s assembled a talented team, and when all healthy, I think they can beat any team in the League.  So relax, folks, it’s a long season.
4. DESTINY: okay, I picked up this a little early because Bob Costas had his annual football meltdown over this last weekend, but I know TT6 hates it too.  So let me preemptively explain: no team controls its own destiny.  It’s out of your hands.  It is forewritten.  That’s why it’s called Destiny.  For example, last year, it was Destiny that Lakers-Celtics ended up in the Finals.  Neither team chose that Destiny, neither team “controlled” their assent into the big Games.  Stern Destiny chose them.  If the teams could control it, whatever that “it” was, it wouldn’t be Destiny.
5. HOOPS ADDICT: who asked, is Lebron unguardable?  Please.  Maybe someone should watch the tapes of every Cleveland loss.  Take, for instance, I don’t know, his game against the Hornets.  It’s called James Posey.  I’ll tell you what, it might even be called Rasual Butler.  For short periods, I’d even be willing to have Ju-Ju on him.  Lebron is not unguardable, he is just unguardable by certain players.  Kobe, with Posey in his grill, hitting shot after shot the other night, was unguardable.  Chris Paul, weaving through four defenders in and out and back into the paint again only to turn on a dime and drop in a teardrop over the outstretched arms of a seven footer is unstoppable.  Those guys can only be stopped if they stop themselves.  Lebron?  Guardable. 
6. BYRON SCOTT: deservedly, was Coach of the Year last year.  But like Coach Scott no doubt repeatedly tells his players: it’s not last year.  I love Coach Scott.  I think is offense works for our personnel, when healthy.  But he has to recognize that Brown is not Stojakovic.  One cannot do the same things as the other.  At this point, why not start Butler and Peterson at the 3 and 2?  Because then the second unit is too thin?  Well, how about Julian?  Start him at 3.  I mean, isn’t that ultimately what we drafted him to do?  To be the guy when Peja starts to slow down (or gets injured)?  Oh, Byron says he doesn’t know his position spacing on the floor.  Really?  Why would that be?  Because Byron’s tried him at the 1, 2, 3, and 4.  I saw him play three of those (1, 2, 4) just last game (and interestingly, not the one position that is his “natural” position).  Coach.  I love you.  But play Wright.  Play Peterson.  USE YOUR BEST PLAYERS.  Great that Bowen, Ely, and Brown are loyal guys, but they just aren’t as talented.  Birdman, for example, violated your trust, and he was banished.  Look how that one worked out.  We complain of not having reliable back-up bigs and he’s having a nice year in Denver (add to it he would have came cheap).  Any way, certain guys, work ethic and loyalty aside, should be used sparingly, in support roles.  Butler’s earned his minutes this year.  Fine.  Hilton is finally being given a chance to make it or break it on his own; he’s not looking over his shoulder and worrying if he’s going to get yanked after every dumb play.  Good.  He’s done both good and bad, but he’s progressing because he has the time to learn on the floor.  That’s the opportunity Julian should have.  Give him his minutes.  Get him into the game.  It’s the only way he’s going to learn.  Additionally, while we have all secretly hoped that Marks would be DX-lite, he’s not; and Byron has finally seemed to grasp this.  I do believe in you Byron, I really do.  But even you might have to prove the least bit flexible to make that push for the Rings.  Sigh.

But all said, Hornets’ fans, there is something to be happy about.  Despite our high expectations for this season, and despite what some call “struggles”, at least we’re not the Wizards.  Now that is a last-year-playoff-contender this-year-a-really-really-really-struggling team.  So it could always be worse.  Besides, some teams come late to the party and make long runs through the Playoffs.  Not to mention, that we still are poised to end up as a 2-5 seed without making a massive surge foward.  I believe.

Geaux Hornets!

The Saints playoff run in 2008 made everyone teary-eyed with Katrina sob stories. Haters of the Hornets accused New Orleans’ NBA team last year of having the same appeal in an extremely pejorative way. I never saw it. In fact, I saw only hate from the League, other than giving us the All-Star Game. So sorry we’re not a big market like L.A., Boston, or New York. Maybe we should clear some cap space so the League would care. Until then, I hold my ground, that the League is against us. Case in point, the NBA refereeing system that rewards certain teams and punishes others on a strange, hazing-type, respect system, where superstars get calls, and “good defenders” never get whistled. It’s a joke. It’s by far the most subjectively called sport in the world, which seemingly allows individual refs to write their own versions of the rulebook. And they’ve always hated on us. Only I don’t know why.

Okay, superstars get calls. Obvious. For a non-biased example, Kobe got several ridiculous calls tonight, while Bynum got hacked several times with no call. That said, the referees completely killed this game. How can a team make a run when there is totally contact uncalled at one end and at the other every little contact draws a foul? The refs were horrible. Horrible. And while they totally fucked the Hornets tonight, the refs horribleness wasn’t limited to just that. I already pointed out the Kobe-Bynum discrepancy. Ridiculous. But they weren’t consistent from quarter to quarter or even play to play on how they called the game. Read the rulebook, bitches. A foul is a foul, no matter who commits it, and no matter who it is committed against, and whether that player is in foul trouble, the clock is expiring, or if he complemented your mother.

For those of you that may be watching from home, what may not be clear, is how upset the crowd was. I have never heard the NOLA crowd upset about so many calls. Yes, yes, we’re all homers, and yes, shove your jokes about the Hornets players’ bitching rubbing off on us. That aside, that given, and compared to that norm: people were loud, booing, screaming, jump-out-of-their-seat so mad that they couldn’t even coalesce their rage into a cohesive attack of boos, screams, or curses; it was just a cacophonous explosion of disbelief. I’ve never seen so many 40-year-old dads tell the ref to fuck themselves in front of their kids. Okay, maybe in front of the kids belonging to someone else, but the crowd was incensed most of the game. Some random big black woman behind us pierced my eardrums all night. Usually I’m that guy. Our season-ticket holder “neighbor” actually left some time in the second half he was so pissed. Listen, anyone that knows me knows I give respect to the Lakers. As of today, they’re playing better than us. Fine. But let THEM prove that. They don’t need the referees’ help. But then again, maybe this makes the Xmas showdown with the Celts look better if both teams come in high. Think about it.

David Stern says Tim Donaghy was a liar and there was no big NBA conspiracy. I say David Stern is a bigger cheat than Tim Donaghy ever was. Let’s say it again just because Stern is trying so hard to sweep him under the rug: Tim Donaghy, Tim Donaghy, Tim Donaghy, Tim Donaghy, Tim Donaghy, Tim Donaghy, Tim Donaghy. Why? Yes, I told TT6 I wanted to do this post in a game when we won (and I should have after the Spurs game), because there are serious issues with NBA refereeing that need to be addressed regardless of the outcome of games.

Look at the numbers, they don’t make sense. Our shooting percentage was less than 3% worse than the Lakers, we made 3 more three pointers, there was only one more rebound for them, we had 5 more assists, 3 more steals, were tied in blocks, and only had four more turnovers, and six more fouls. Where does that 13 point differential come from? It’s about timing, not quantum. Sure, they can give a bunch of meaningless fouls to even the numbers out. Any good conspiracy is self-effacing. But you need to question when they occur. What was happening? Was a team making a run? Consider that we got the Lakers in foul trouble early and had an 11-6 or so differential in free throws attempted early. They ended up taking 10 more overall. That’s a big switch.

At the end of the day, the Bees were baited into believing the game would be called one way. CP was drawing all the contact fouls and our guys were aggressive on defense to great effect. Suddenly, CP is getting hammered and getting no calls and our every defensive play is a foul. I call bullshit. I call Tim Donaghy. It’s a verb now. I’ll say again, Stern wants that name to disappear. He wants to pretend no ref ever tanked a game. I say we never let him or the general public forget. This game was Tim Donaghy’d. It was bullshit. Absolute bullshit. Way to showcase the sport on national TV. Blow your whistle every three seconds. It was bullshit. Horseshit. Donkeyshit. Monkeyshit. Any shit you can think of.

At the end of the day, though, that shit smells like Tim Donaghy. Or David Stern. Whatever.

Those Hornets. So non-chemistry-tastic. I guess they will just suck this year.

Woe.

Oh, wait, Chris Paul and David West have been screaming at each other for years on the court and everyone else on the Hornets is perfectly okay with it?

Wait. You’re telling me that CP, in fact, does not even appear to be nice to people who, off the floor, he deeply respects?

Darn it. Another piece of well researched journalism bites the dust…

For the 1259th time in the last year or two it has become painfully obvious that national journalists do not watch the Hornets.  They do not know the Hornets.  And they simply don’t take the time to research the Hornets.  In yesterday’s ESPN Dime, Jalen Rose said the following:

I’m a big Chris Paul fan, and he should definitely be in the argument when talking about best point guards in the game, but to me, [Tony] Parker is the best point guard playing. He plays in a situation where it’s all about the pot of gold at the end. It’s all about the title for him. His statistics might not be 20 and 10 on a nightly basis, but that is because he plays with two other superstars. One thing about being a good teammate is the unselfishness to let others make plays. You have to do that in order for your team to be a championship contender. I’ve always respected that about his game. Paul is the most talented point guard in the game, but Parker is the best point guard.

Is Rose actually implying Paul gets his 20/10 selfishly?  What an idiot.  Anyone who has watched the Hornets more than once (read not Bill Simmons) knows that Paul is the most selfless player on the floor.  What apparently people don’t realize is how often Paul has 2/7 at halftime.  Then he puts up 16 the next quarter, while picking up 1 assist, and then goes 2/2 in the final stanza.  He is a uniquely talented man, who can score at will.  If he was selfish, he’d have 30/10 every night, punctuated by 40 and 50 point games now and then.  (As we wondered at atthehive the other week, what would happen if CP just decided to try to score every play?  Could he put up 60?  80?  100?  Could anyone stop him?)  If Paul was going for statistics only, he’d probably have more rebounds and steals too.  But as Paul himself said, “Some guys look to score.  I look to win.”

Moreover, Jalen Rose claims Tony Parker’s numbers are lower because there are two superstars on his team.  Timmy and Manu?  Fine.  How about those guys called West and Peja in Nola?  Besides, did Rose miss the fact that the assist leader is typically the man presumed to be the least selfish and most engaged in getting his teammates going?  Not to mention the fact that Paul had more 15+ assist games than anyone last year.  Listen, I love Tony Parker.  He’s clearly one of the point guards in the game.  But CP’s one of the best players in the game.  Honestly, if CP had played on the Spurs teams that Tony did, he’d have rings too.  Give him a few years to compare to Parker’s.  We’ll see what happens.

You could have just said how good Tony was, Jalen.  You didn’t have to bring CP into it.  Idiot.

You can tell from the stands when teams are happy and everyone is on the same page. You can see it during every timeout huddle, you can see it with how they interact and support each other, and you can see it with the way they carry themselves. So last night at the Phoenix game I studied the Hornets like a marriage counselor. With a PhD. Here are some observations…

Pre-Game

The starters circle up. Chris Paul’s hand touches David West’s butt.

Posey stands by the scorers’ table offering some man loving to Peja and D-West, but they’re having none of it. He gets a taker in CP, and they have a prolonged hug. Oh, Posey. Why won’t you whisper in my ear?

At the end of the bench, Ryan Bowen tells Sean Marks a joke. Marks doesn’t get it.

1st Quarter

11:04 Morris Peterson and Julian Wright leap off the bench in happiness as Peja takes a shot. Interesting. I read on ESPN.com that the Hornets are not happy. Oh, Hornets, you’re so tricky. Fooling me with your fake camaraderie and joy.

8:16 Tyson Chandler dunks. Chris Paul hugs him around the waist. ‘Cause that’s just how tall he is.

5:45 Byron Scott smiles at assistant coach Kenny Gattison.

2:12 David West misses a shot. Chris Paul tells him all the missed long twos in the world can’t stop him from loving him.

2nd Quarter

11:23 David West returns from a bathroom break, towel on his head, to find that Melvin Ely has placed his nachos on D-West’s seat. In a touching moment, Ely, dressed in a plaid suit, offers to share.

9:33 Devin Brown falls under the basket. BUT! Hilton Armstrong helps him up.

8:00 The bench gets yanked for letting up an 8-0 run.

0:58 Rasual Butler smiles goofily.

3rd Quarter

10:49 Mike James is not a cancer on this team. I know this because he is sitting on the bench with his leg touching Mo Pete’s, and you know Mo would not let him do that if he thought he was contagious. He’s just misunderstood.

2:29 Julian Wright sings Hilton Armstrong a song he made up.

0:34 James Posey kicks up his feet, puts his head on Mo Pete’s shoulder, and they watch the Dance Cam together on the jumbotron.

4th Quarter

8:55 David West is sweating. Devin Brown offers to share his headband. It is the ultimate display of sacrifice and camaraderie. Because that is one bald man and that is a lot of sweat.

6:13 Peja and Posey are chatting just outside the huddle. Peja lays a hand on Posey’s chest. Clearly some deep expression of teammateship was just exchanged. I don’t know what it is because I sit in Row 26.

4:44 Hilton Armstrong hands Morris Peterson a cup of Gatorade. Sweetly.

2:18 JuJu tries to sing Chris Paul his song. CP stares past him with the eyes of a predator locked into its prey. That CP, he is just so mean and detached to everyone on court. Even his teammates, who only want to sing to him while CP is obsessing over silly things like closing out games.

1:06 Melvin Ely and Ryan Bowen surreptitiously clink plastic arena beer bottles together under their seats on the bench.

0:21 Byron Scott gives Chris Paul a celebratory butt slap as the Hornets roll 104-91.

This has been breaking news, brought to you by Hornets Hype. It’s breaking ’cause I WAS THERE. I saw it. That’s what makes news news, ya know. Stay tuned, people. To paraphrase a wise literary man, I’ll have grounds more relative than this.

The game’s the thing.

In this morning’s Times Picayune, CP fires back at Bill Simmons. By now you’re aware of my opinion of Simmons’ column alleging the chemistry problems between Chris Paul and coach Byron Scott. But you knew Chris Paul, despite his choirboy reputation offcourt, would have something to say. You can read the whole article here, but this is CP’s quote:

For his part, Paul, too, was dumbfounded over the baseless Internet report.

“It’s crazy,” Paul said. “I figure you guys (beat writers) who are with us every day, if something was going on, you all would see it. Maybe he knows something I don’t know. If he knows something I don’t know, tell him to let me know. I would think me and coach might have one of the best relationships out of the entire NBA.

“I guess people got to have something to talk about. Maybe he should come to a game. Let’s talk. If I had a problem with coach, I’d say it. I guess he comes to one game, and he can figure it out.”

Snark! We knew CP could do snark, after the Rafer Alston incident last spring. Here’s the thing. I don’t care if it’s true or not. They were aware that it was out there, floating on the front page of ESPN.com and giving a negative impression of the team to casual NBA fans, and so they dealt with it. (Just to show you how quick that stuff travels, I’ve already read one article this weekend, and now I can’t remember where, that cited the Simmons column about the CP/Byron clash. “Reports are that Chris Paul and Byron Scott…”) Chris Paul is not going to go rogue, or go Marbury, or any junk like that.

No. You circle up, close ranks, and deal with it behind closed doors. You stick up for the team.

And you know what? I’ll throw a shout-out to the T.P. beat writers too on this one. You did something right.

The dreaded moment has come…. dun dun dun. Yes, the Saints are on Monday Night Football tonight the same night the Hornets play in L.A. Now, other cities with more than two professional teams might be used to this kind of thing. But we generally don’t get much overlap between the two. I mean, it’s not that hard to schedule around. But never fear, friends, because the Saints game is at 7:30 and the Hornets, on the West Coast to play the Clippers, don’t tip off till 9:30. So there should be ample time to get to watch both games.

Wait. What?

The Hornets aren’t on CST tonight. The game is not being televised. In fact the entire roadtrip is not being televised, with the exception of Denver on Thanksgiving, which will appear on TNT. Not the Clippers game, not the Portland game on Friday. Looks like Bob and Gil are just not making the trip. And they know how I feel about Brandon Roy too. They know.

I feel completely betrayed right now. Seriously. I had no idea of this travesty until this morning. And it just got worse as I pulled up the schedule and did some investigating into our wasteland week of Televised Nowhere games. Hark, the refreshing stench of someone new being added to The List. CST, it is on.

Or… not.

Our team photo. We're hot.

So a couple of weeks ago, the dudes over at Ball Don’t Lie put up this image as the Endless Grey Ribbon (aka section divider) in the Hornets 2008-09 season preview. Naturally, I was like, “Haha, a billion James Poseys, wait– what?” But on a more serious note, I’m glad they realized the crucial role me ‘n’ Pose are going to play this year. Anyway, after last night’s game against Golden State, I am happy to report that the lineup for this year has been set. Obviously I’m slightly biased, but I think me and 23 James Poseys have the skills to really kick ass this season.

This is how I envision things breaking down:

James Posey will play point guard, center, power forward, small forward, and shooting guard. Naturally, with Pose coming off the bench as sixth man, this squad will have a sweet energy boost that should lift them above the other teams in the formidable Western Conference. The rest of the Poseys will play backup minutes as dictated by the intensity of their play in practice, as judged by head coach James Posey. We are excited to see J-Poz in particular in the role of hard-edged defensive specialist. He will also be the designated pre-game hugger.

Ticktock6 will be the 13th man, the one who jumps up and down, talks smack on the end of the bench while drinking a Red Bull, and sometimes does funny dances. Like Ronny Turiaf but with different hair. Big Game James won’t play much, since he’s on the low end of the depth chart behind Ticktock6, but will be called upon to come in and hit a clutch three once in a while in playoff situations. Fashion-challenged Poseys are encouraged to consult Posey #16 on the topic of accessories, even though he’ll only be getting garbage time. Poseys #17-23 are DNP-CD.

The whole team will wear high socks. At the position of ball boy will be my cat Jolee Bindo, who we expect to do a solid job despite his fear of objects that move.

Aaaaaannd now, for our first ass kicking, me and 23 James Poseys are gonna take care of the dude who wrote this:

The Hornets are a hard-nosed team, make no mistake. But they are also over the edge more often than is said and appear to be given a post-Katrina pity pass that has greatly aided them to suddenly and almost magically vault themselves over teams like the Spurs and the Suns.

And Paul?

The rise of Paul from ill-mannered punk and definitely not clutch college player to saintly professional is a testament to the star-making power of David Stern’s league. Paul is portrayed as an angelic assassin with players and coaches saying they’ve never seen anything like him… Paul is neither a champion nor a true assassin. He is a very talented young point guard with much to prove in the way of temperament and ability to come through in the biggest of games. But sadly he has anointed to PG deity-status by the NBA hype machine that includes ESPN and national NBA writers.

Worshipping false idols can only lead to trouble.

Post-Katrina pity pass? Exactly how many Hornets games did this person watch last year? Plus, what the hell, refs? How could you let the Hornets clutch and grab their way to under .500 records in the two years following a devastating hurricane? That just ain’t right. They could have “magically vaulted” (if by “magic” you mean the fact that all their stars are an average of 8 years older than the Hornets’) over the Suns and Spurs years ago, if you’d just seen the Post-Katrina pity light. But nooo, you had to wait three years, until the Hornets had a bunch of better players and stuff.

And Chris Paul– false idol?? The very words are not fit for this page. Really it feels blasphemous just CTRL-C /CTRL-Ving them. I guess it’s like Kobe syndrome: we’re just going to have to face the CP3 backlash that will inevitably happen. False idol? Oh, if only you had seen what I have seen. He conjured those fishes out of THIN AIR, I tell you. Believe me, we know what we worship. This non-believer claims to be called dwil. I wonder if it’s the real dwil… hmmm.

Whatev. We ball hard. If you aren’t prepared to do that, prepare to be rolled over by teams that do. Period.

23 out of 23 James Poseys agree with this message.