Hornets Hype

The dreaded moment has come…. dun dun dun. Yes, the Saints are on Monday Night Football tonight the same night the Hornets play in L.A. Now, other cities with more than two professional teams might be used to this kind of thing. But we generally don’t get much overlap between the two. I mean, it’s not that hard to schedule around. But never fear, friends, because the Saints game is at 7:30 and the Hornets, on the West Coast to play the Clippers, don’t tip off till 9:30. So there should be ample time to get to watch both games.

Wait. What?

The Hornets aren’t on CST tonight. The game is not being televised. In fact the entire roadtrip is not being televised, with the exception of Denver on Thanksgiving, which will appear on TNT. Not the Clippers game, not the Portland game on Friday. Looks like Bob and Gil are just not making the trip. And they know how I feel about Brandon Roy too. They know.

I feel completely betrayed right now. Seriously. I had no idea of this travesty until this morning. And it just got worse as I pulled up the schedule and did some investigating into our wasteland week of Televised Nowhere games. Hark, the refreshing stench of someone new being added to The List. CST, it is on.

Or… not.

Our team photo. We're hot.

So a couple of weeks ago, the dudes over at Ball Don’t Lie put up this image as the Endless Grey Ribbon (aka section divider) in the Hornets 2008-09 season preview. Naturally, I was like, “Haha, a billion James Poseys, wait– what?” But on a more serious note, I’m glad they realized the crucial role me ‘n’ Pose are going to play this year. Anyway, after last night’s game against Golden State, I am happy to report that the lineup for this year has been set. Obviously I’m slightly biased, but I think me and 23 James Poseys have the skills to really kick ass this season.

This is how I envision things breaking down:

James Posey will play point guard, center, power forward, small forward, and shooting guard. Naturally, with Pose coming off the bench as sixth man, this squad will have a sweet energy boost that should lift them above the other teams in the formidable Western Conference. The rest of the Poseys will play backup minutes as dictated by the intensity of their play in practice, as judged by head coach James Posey. We are excited to see J-Poz in particular in the role of hard-edged defensive specialist. He will also be the designated pre-game hugger.

Ticktock6 will be the 13th man, the one who jumps up and down, talks smack on the end of the bench while drinking a Red Bull, and sometimes does funny dances. Like Ronny Turiaf but with different hair. Big Game James won’t play much, since he’s on the low end of the depth chart behind Ticktock6, but will be called upon to come in and hit a clutch three once in a while in playoff situations. Fashion-challenged Poseys are encouraged to consult Posey #16 on the topic of accessories, even though he’ll only be getting garbage time. Poseys #17-23 are DNP-CD.

The whole team will wear high socks. At the position of ball boy will be my cat Jolee Bindo, who we expect to do a solid job despite his fear of objects that move.

Aaaaaannd now, for our first ass kicking, me and 23 James Poseys are gonna take care of the dude who wrote this:

The Hornets are a hard-nosed team, make no mistake. But they are also over the edge more often than is said and appear to be given a post-Katrina pity pass that has greatly aided them to suddenly and almost magically vault themselves over teams like the Spurs and the Suns.

And Paul?

The rise of Paul from ill-mannered punk and definitely not clutch college player to saintly professional is a testament to the star-making power of David Stern’s league. Paul is portrayed as an angelic assassin with players and coaches saying they’ve never seen anything like him… Paul is neither a champion nor a true assassin. He is a very talented young point guard with much to prove in the way of temperament and ability to come through in the biggest of games. But sadly he has anointed to PG deity-status by the NBA hype machine that includes ESPN and national NBA writers.

Worshipping false idols can only lead to trouble.

Post-Katrina pity pass? Exactly how many Hornets games did this person watch last year? Plus, what the hell, refs? How could you let the Hornets clutch and grab their way to under .500 records in the two years following a devastating hurricane? That just ain’t right. They could have “magically vaulted” (if by “magic” you mean the fact that all their stars are an average of 8 years older than the Hornets’) over the Suns and Spurs years ago, if you’d just seen the Post-Katrina pity light. But nooo, you had to wait three years, until the Hornets had a bunch of better players and stuff.

And Chris Paul– false idol?? The very words are not fit for this page. Really it feels blasphemous just CTRL-C /CTRL-Ving them. I guess it’s like Kobe syndrome: we’re just going to have to face the CP3 backlash that will inevitably happen. False idol? Oh, if only you had seen what I have seen. He conjured those fishes out of THIN AIR, I tell you. Believe me, we know what we worship. This non-believer claims to be called dwil. I wonder if it’s the real dwil… hmmm.

Whatev. We ball hard. If you aren’t prepared to do that, prepare to be rolled over by teams that do. Period.

23 out of 23 James Poseys agree with this message.

And we have our first $#*tlisting of the 2008-09 season. Excellent.

I was warring with myself over what to do about the List. I said, “Self, it seems unfair that those who ended last season on our $#*tlist should be excused from their doings, just because it’s a fresh season.” And my self replied, “Well, but it should probably be a cumulative thing. Like start with one person/entity and sit back and watch it grow. That could be fun too. And those who have clearly not found it in their hearts to reform over the offseason can always be re-Listed. And it would be fun to ceremonially $#*tlist the first person, just to kick off the season.”

Well, as soon as I read the first sentence of this Mike Kahn article, I knew that person was here. It begins semi-offensively with,

If nothing else, social responsibility forces us to wish the best for the New Orleans Hornets.

Um, okay… Pat yourselves on the back for supporting poor old downtrodden New Orleans, America. Let’s just have a big round of self-congratulation right now. I guess we really guilt-tripped you and twisted your arm there, with our drowned houses and natural disaster and the greatest mass evacuation of a major American city that this country has ever seen. Gee, America, we don’t know what little ol’ us would do without you down here. (Actually, I have ideas about this. I think we should secede and take our oil with us. We could become our own tiny oil-producing, Mississippi River-controlling, shrimping republic, and we’d all be millionaires similar to the people in Kuwait… but I digress.)

Even in their first game back — the opener last year against the Sacramento Kings — there were thousands of empty seats. Indeed, a clause was negotiated into their lease by owner George Shinn that allows them to leave after this season if they average less than 14,735 through the first two seasons back, but if the support that unfolded in the final couple of weeks and during the playoffs is any indication, they may be in New Orleans for a lot longer than most people believe.

I’m getting this feeling of deja vu, like I’ve read this article somewhere before… I think you all know how I feel about this type of article, which I thought we could finally get away from this year, but I feel compelled to point out that New Orleans Arena sold out for the Grizzlies game, not exactly a marquee draw, on February 10th. So this would really make it the final couple of months of the regular season, not weeks, as Mr. Kahn writes. On one level, I sort of get it. You can’t write the feel-good article without rehashing the feel-bad. And the rest of the article is not that bad. But someone needs to tell Mike Kahn that he’s, like, six months late getting on this train.

But like their attendance, their roster doesn’t have a lot of depth.

Really. Because the fact that the Hornets drew 14,700 fans for a preseason game on a football Sunday seems to indicate to me that there’s just a little bit of depth. For comparison’s sake, they drew 13K in Miami, 12K in Anaheim (and that was the Lakers, not the Clippers!), and 10K in Houston. These are facts, commonly located in things called boxscores. You find them by looking them up.

Let us discuss another way in which attendance might be said to have depth (what does that mean anyway?). Last season the Jazz led the NBA in full season ticket sales with around 14,500. Only twelve teams out of thirty sold over 10,000 season tickets last year, and the last I heard, the Hornets are closer to 11,000. Keep in mind that, pre-Katrina, New Orleans was the second-smallest NBA market. Now it’s probably on the bottom, with even Memphis and OKC clocking in with more people. So I don’t know, selling over 10,000 season tickets seems to be a benchmark that people go for around the NBA and almost 2/3 of teams don’t reach. The fact that the smallest NBA market has managed to do this seems to indicate that people are pretty damn excited about this year’s team. And you know, a simple Google search yields this updated information. If I was writing that article, I would think, “Oh, how are the Hornets doing with tickets this year anyway?” instead of using facts seemingly copy/pasted out of an article from last year.

But hey, I guess this article is typical of the Fox News school of “fact”-based journalism. And for that offense, my friends, it sits lonely on the List, just waiting for more evil little NOLA-bashing friends to join it.

And by the way, Mr. Kahn, your title is stupid. The Hornets don’t have any laurels to rest on. People don’t wear laurels on their heads for making it to the second round of the playoffs. No. They get crowned for being champions.

But you know what? We’ll get back to you on that.

After long opining about the slow and steady decline, and the eventual death, of Abita beer at the New Orleans Arena during Hornets games, HornetsHype is proud to announce the return of Abita Beer to Hornets games.  Late this morning, a Hornets official confirmed that Abita will return as an official partner of the New Orleans Hornets, and that Abita Beer will be sold at the Arena during games.  Specifics were not available other than to say that patrons would be able to get it.

The return of Abita has been one of this blog’s main unfufilled quests, and we are ecstatic that this day has finally come.  While we reserve the right to keep it on our $h#t List until we see actual proof of our victory, we’re pretty psyched right about now.  So in return for this great honor, we expect all Hornets fans at the games to respond enthusiastically and buy as much Abita Beer as possible!

It has been brought to my attention (thanks, Matt!) that the Hornets folks are sending out an e-mail asking fans to provide their input on 300-Level Concessions improvements that they want to see for 2008-09.

As some of you may know, one of the foundations upon which this blog/movement was built is the gradual removal of local favorite Abita Beer from all New Orleans Arena concessions. (No, seriously.) We have lamented the lack of Abita on several occasions.

So now I am totally co-opting their survey in order to further our own Abita agenda. Please please click the link and tell them it’s not the N.O.L.A. without the A.B.I.T.A. It will take like 30 seconds, I promise. Do not let this opportunity to help knock an item permanently off the $#*t List pass us by! (And you know, like, if you actually sit in the 300-level, to tell them other things like you want healthier food and chairs to sit in, which are also totally things I can get behind. Because we were up there for the All Star Game and I was thinking, “Man, this is the sad little stepchild of concourses.” And then I thought, “Oh, there’s Jamario Moon walking by!” and got completely distracted.)

N.O. Arena Concessions Survey– Click here and remember to write in Abita on the last page!

It is for the good of all of us in this great city. The people demand Abita.

Because HornetsHype loves arts and crafts. And because no one fucks with David West on my watch. And now, for your Game 7 viewing pleasure, I present to you…

Side A…

And Side B…

… to the Heads on Sticks craze, I give you: Robert Horry On a Stick.

This one goes out to you & the rest of the TNT broadcasting crew. In case you need some NEW COLORS…

Consider me the rain on the parade. Consider me a hater in the lovefest that is Hornets-fandom. But our mission here at HornetsHype is to destroy all opposition to the perfect Hornets experience. Our mission is not yet complete. Although as Jim Eichenhofer at Hornets.com has pointed out, corporate sponsors are rolling in with the continued successes of the Hornets organization, one is conspicuously missing. It is a recent loss. At the beginning of the season it was there, but only like that sick relative who is just wasting away in a hospital, dying. And then, like a whisper in the night, it faded and was gone. And now, the New Orleans Arena no longer sells Abita Beer.

So I invoke one of the oldest of New Orleans’ traditions: the Jazz Funeral. Grab your instrument, put on your Sunday black best and march for a remembrance of an old and dear friend. Abita Beer.

Some would say this is a gripe better left for the after the season when the team has less to worry about. But let’s focus on of the image of New Orleans as a unique locale; this failure reflects on us all. We used to not only have Abita taps with four different brews at each Bacardi stand last year and early this year, with unique, full-flavored beer (any fans of Coors Light, Miller Light, Bud or Bud Light need not comment), but over the course of the year found these outlets limited to one on the 100 level and one on the 300 level. More than that, Pre-K we had a little Abita Brewpub in the Arena. It was awesome. Abita is awesome. It’s almost always stocked in our fridge and I’d bet it is in most New Orleanians’ fridges. And like many people, when I watch basketball, be it at home or at the arena, I enjoy a quality beer. A quality beer.

So bring back the Abita, New Orleans Arena. Be it trying to better represent Louisiana or just because you love beer. Bring it back because it’s the common sense approach to marketing. It’s a natural tie. Feature seasonal beers all-year round. It would be glorious.

Or at the very least, break out some Abita kegs at the Buzzfests.

[EDIT: no, this was not photoshopped. This happened in Treme. This morning. At dawn.  Unfortunately, the police broke it up.  It was sad.]